5 Ways to Help Your Child Make Their Apologies More Meaningful
"Say you're sorry" is a line that flies out of many a parent's mouth fairly often. It's a reflex. We want our children to know when they're supposed to apologize without having to say it, which is only natural. However, forcing our kids to say the word "sorry" when they do something wrong isn't helping them to develop the social and emotional skills necessary to understand why it is that we apologize in the first place — it's just giving them an out when they do something wrong (an apology isn't really an apology if it's spat across the room as a reflex, is it?).
Read through for five tips to making your little one's apologies more meaningful.
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Ask your child if they know what they should be apologizing for.
So your toddler just threw a toy truck at their sibling's head or your grade-schooler told you to "Go away!" when you asked them to finish their broccoli. Whatever the tantrum of the minute is, start the apologizing process by asking your child to complete the sentence "I'm sorry for . . . " (the more specific, the better). If their answer matches their negative action, that's a start. If they refuse to answer or have no clue why you are asking them to apologize for something, they may need a little more work.
Have them explain why what they did was wrong.
Once it's been established that your child understands flipping over their bowl of macaroni and cheese screaming, "I WANTED A HOT DOG," was wrong, you can move on to why it was wrong. Talk about whose feelings it may have hurt and why, then have that person (in this scenario, likely you, the maker of the unwanted macaroni) acknowledge their hurt feelings.
Helping your child to understand that their actions affect other people is one of the most important lessons you can teach them.
Discuss what their behavior should look like from now on.
Now that you've established why they're apologizing and to whom, talk about what to do moving forward, but in a positive way. Instead of, "I won't throw things at you again," try for something like, "I will use my words when I am frustrated." Depending on your child's age, they may need your help in coming up with these positive behavioral solutions.
Have them ask for forgiveness.
As humans, we crave forgiveness when we hurt someone's feelings (and as adults, we know that it's not always guaranteed). For young children, it may be more difficult to explain why forgiveness is so important and why sometimes the other person may not forgive them.
At this stage, your child knows that they did something wrong, why it was wrong, whose feelings they hurt, and how to try to behave in the future. Now you want to help them to clear the air with their friend — or you — and move on from the situation knowing that both parties feel better and everyone is still friends.
Make it a habit.
Every time your child's actions warrant an apology, go through the steps with them so that this meaningful method of apologizing can become a habit (as opposed to "I'm sorry" becoming a disingenuous reflex). The idea is that their "I'm sorrys" are more than just words, and that they feel enough empathy and remorse to actually change the way they behave in the future.