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How to Tell His Ex You're Getting Married

How to Tell His Ex You're Getting Married

How to Tell His Ex You're Getting Married

Tiara just got engaged and has a great relationship with her boyfriend’s ex-wife. “I want to keep that and am wondering if I should be the one to tell her before we go public with the information?" she asks on Circle of Moms, emphasizing that, "I think it would help if I tell her.”

No matter who she hears the news from, learning that the father of her children is remarrying is almost always an awkward and painful experience for a mom. But would it actually be better to hear it from the new wife than from the ex spouse? A surprising number of  Circle of Moms members, both "first wives" and "second wives," feel that it would. Here's why.

1. To Preempt Hurt

The worst case scenarios, say Circle of Moms members who've stumbled through them, are for the first wife to be caught off guard by the news of her ex's engagement, whether she hears it first from her children, a neighbor, or someone outside her inner circle. So Georgetta R. suggests not only that new wives take the initiative as a way to preempt hurt and to show respect ("women unite," is Monica H.'s rallying cry here), but that the conversation between the wives be followed by an all-family sit-down for the children's sake: "...accompany your soon-to-be-husband to discuss the logistics with his ex-wife and the children." As Monica adds, "It is the courteous thing to do."



2. To Start a Lifelong Relationship on the Right Foot

Moms and step-moms whose children will wind up as step or half siblings need to have good communication and trust between them. For this reason, several moms who are second wives, including Lisa P., recommend reaching out to the ex wife to demonstrate that you care about how your relationship will unfold and that you want it to be positive and pleasant.

“Yes, you should tell her you're getting married, because she's going to be a part of your life forever as well." points out Lisa. "If things go well, you will be seeing this woman at the child's graduations and wedding. Not to mention sharing grandchildren with her someday. Why not start off on the right foot?"

3. For the Children's Sake

Samantha R. underlines that because children are involved, "It is important to try to have an amicable relationship with both your ex husband and his soon-to-be bride and this is one way to do that and show you care about the children. They are going to be a part of your life for the rest of time. Wouldn’t it be better to try to get along?

Beth W. agrees, explaining that a first wife whose former partner is remarrying will be worried about how the new marriage will impact her children. Beth suggests reaching out to show both that you respect her role in her children's lives and to establish your new role as step mom: " shows you want the mom to have regular contact with you as well as her daughter."

She also points out a very practical immediate consideration: "if you want the daughter to be a possible bridesmaid, you should tell the mom."

How did your spouse's ex-wife find out you were getting married?

Image Source: iStock Photo

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Join The Conversation
LalaBoom1384480733 LalaBoom1384480733 3 years
My husband's ex didn't know shit! I wouldn't have it any other way. This article is very presumptious, but then again, I'm not surprised given the posts I have seen here with regards to moms/dads. In my case, I keep it simple. It's on a "need to know" basis. If it doesn't affect her directly, she doesnt need to know. The kids, however, they were our only concern, and we handled that beuatifully and with the guidance of much research on "how to."
TraciSherwoodPrice TraciSherwoodPrice 4 years
A co-worker told me that she had announced her engagement on Facebook. The co-worker did not know she was dating my ex-husband and that she and I were no longer friends. It was completely innocent on her part but I clocked out of work, when to my vehicle, cried for a while then called him and ripped him a new one. He and I are still friends now, they are in the process of a divorce.
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