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How to Be the Tooth Fairy

The Tooth Fairy Is a Conspiracy Against Parents

There, I've said it. The Tooth Fairy, that magical being who is supposed to bring joy to little ones as they part with their baby teeth, is nothing but a nuisance and a constant reminder that we're not stepping up our game as much as our friends on Instagram.

Don't believe me? See if this situation sounds at all familiar, because it seems to play itself out in our home EVERY time a child loses a tooth.

  • Mom rushes in the door at 6 p.m. (note the time, as it's a significant part of the story), the end of the day, only to learn that little Johnny's tooth is hanging on by a few threads.
  • A quick glance at the watch confirms that the bank is closed, which means there's no way to get any magical dollar coins that the Tooth Fairy likes to deliver.
  • It also happens to be a night when Dad is traveling for work (these things never happen when he's home).
  • Mom checks her wallet to see what she has, and she isn't surprised to only find a $20 bill, because that's what the ATM dispenses.
  • Mom tells herself there's no way she's giving her son $20 if he loses the tooth tonight. It's over-the-top and ridiculous.
  • Mom prays that said tooth stays in place for one more night so she can get change tomorrow.
  • As everyone sits down for dinner, her son's tooth pops right out and onto his spoon.
  • Mom panics about how she'll handle tonight.
  • Mom checks Facebook and Pinterest for ideas to make up for the fact that the Tooth Fairy won't be giving money tonight since she doesn't have change.
  • Kids go to sleep, and Mom gets to work sprinkling "fairy dust," aka glitter, on toothless wonder's floor to make it look like the Fairy arrived.
  • Mom curses glitter because she knows she's made a mess that will never come up, and her son just won't appreciate it.
  • Mom sneaks into room and goes to remove the tooth and leave a note, but she chickens out.
  • Mom grabs her wallet, pulls out the $20 bill, and returns to place it in the Tooth Fairy pillow (sucker!).
  • Mom feels oddly thrilled because she knows her son will be happy the next day — and oddly sick, because she knows she'll be vacuuming up glitter for the next three weeks.

You see, the tooth never comes out early enough in the day for Mom to visit the bank and get the special coins. It also never comes out at night when Dad's home, so we can't raid his wallet or ask him to stop for change on his way home. It always finds a way to fall out at the least convenient time. Maybe there really is a Tooth Fairy, and her real job is to wreak havoc on unknowing parents. Because if that's true, she's mighty good at her job!

For now, I'm stocking up on dollar coins so I won't be left scrambling the next time. If only I could remember my oh-so-special hiding place!

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