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Infertility Is a Common But Quiet Issue

When Are You Going to Have a Baby?

Chances are someone you know has dealt with infertility. It may have been you. A sensitive subject, it can be a private and heart wrenching issue for couples.

Pop culture announces a new pregnancy nearly every day and according to the LA Times, the current birth rate in America is higher than it's been in 45 years. So it seems quite natural for people to ask, "When are you going to have a baby?"

But, the reality is that the woman fielding the question might be desperately trying to get pregnant. To read a personal experience,


And it's not fair that these women have to face the harmless probe.

While I was pregnant, one of my closest friends dealt with infertility so when people would joke that she was next, the words were daggers. It broke my heart to watch her have to laugh along.

With a little luck and some IVF, she has since been blessed with an angelic baby boy. However, the experience definitely taught me a lesson to be careful what you say to women about babes.


Join The Conversation
DiamondSkies DiamondSkies 7 years
We have been trying for over a year and a half now and nothing. The doctors have done many many tests and see nothing wrong. It is so frustrating and even more so when people ask this question. I get asked about impending babies by His family quite often and I just have to sort of smile and and be polite while it is slowly killing me inside.
WhereSheShops WhereSheShops 9 years
Again, thank you for talking about infertility. I too am suffering from infertility...endometriosis (laproscopy to clear it out), shots, progesterone, miscarriage, and am now waiting for my body to menstruate again so that I can start the fertility meds all over again. It sucks, but will all be worth it if the outcome results in a baby! My sister's infertility treatments were successful and she delivered a beautiful baby girl on Jan 14. So, I am hopeful and try my best to be patient. However I am considering moving to Hollywood or at least ordering a case of the water that all the pregnant celebs are drinking! That place is baby booming!
faerymagick15 faerymagick15 9 years
I hate it when people say "relax" or that its stress! Stress doesn't cause PCOS or blocked tubes or low sperm counts. Its MEDICAL!!!! People don't realize how involved making a baby actually is! It seems so easy, right??? Well for some maybe it is. For me, it was the first 2 times and I have 2 great kids now. But since remarrying and TTC with my 2nd husband we have been faced with a recurrent miscarriage problem that has no explanation. Miscarriage is cruel. Infertility is cruel. It is so prevalent now that people should take that into consideration when asking about having babies. The person you are asking might just be going through a miscarriage or just gotten a negative pregnancy test or told their husband has no viable sperm. Maybe they were just told they have to spend $15,000 on IVF and their insurance covers nothing. You just never know!
megnmac megnmac 9 years
I hate that question - because the person asking CAN'T know if there are any problems. People don't advertise this silent stress. I hate knowing one of my friends is having trouble and hearing someone else joke that they just keep having babies and it is so easy, the teasing and questioning and assuming it is choice that is holding babies at bay is just insensitive. Assume people's choices (not having a baby or having a baby) is very personal and a lot of emotions are involved. I don't mind people asking IF I plan on having babies, but the when and details are annoying... and can imagine the followup questions for the people that would say no...
brown_eyed_grrl brown_eyed_grrl 9 years
People keep asking me, and my WEDDING isn't for two more months. It wasn't a big deal at first, but now it's getting really annoying, especially when the same people keep asking. I'm 95% sure I want to have kids (the 5% of me would be fine with adoption), but these people are making me unsure what I want because they are driving me nuts. Plus, my question has always been how they know I can even have children. I don't know that, though I don't have a reason to suspect otherwise. I would NEVER make these comments to someone, though, for fear it's a painful subject for her. I know people mean well, but they need to think before bringing up such a personal subject. When they see a baby, they'll have the answer to their question.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
When i was younger i thought that i would have a baby by the time i was 30, i am now 34 and no baby. I have been married 7 years, but 5 of those have been very stressful, In fact we had seperated for 6 months 2 years ago. we have never tried to get pregnant, so I couldnt tell you if I could get pregnant easily or not. The more the years go by the more I kind of resolve myself that its never going to happen, something will always get in the way (sickness, money, job) No one asks me anymore "when are you going to have a baby"
macneil macneil 9 years
So difficult, I want to ask friends all the time and am fortunately just about smart enough not to. I suppose when you have a baby you want your best friends to have the same good time you're having. I found it easy the first time around, second time around, miscarriage and now just trying and trying. I would be upset beyond measure if someone asked me when we were having the next one, and feel very blessed to have a little girl already.
meumitsuki meumitsuki 9 years
My husband and I tried for months and the stress really does start to get to you. I had one miscarriage the first time around and a few days later my sister in law called saying she was pregnant and got so on the first try. She told us since we were 10 years younger we won't have any problems. If you are lucky enough to get pregnant on the first try, please leave that piece of information out when you share your happy news.
PJ-PJ-PJ PJ-PJ-PJ 9 years
I hate it when people ask also. Although, since we have been trying to get pregnant for a long while now, we are constantly getting the "why don't you have kids yet?" which is always followed by advice on "how to" get pregnant. Some people are just so stupid & sometimes crude. Do they really think we don't know how to have sex? A simple "good luck with that" will suffice. Anyway, I'm going this month for laparoscopy to check for endometriosis & to get my tubes flushed out. Hopefully, that will do the trick.
kelsee kelsee 9 years
We have been trying for years, yesterday I went back to the doctor and told her I am ready to try again after 4 yrs of saying forget it. I had my blood work done just 30 min ago and she will be putting me on Clomid. The doctors have found nothing wrong so it gets very frustrating. Don't give up girls!
emmae emmae 9 years
i hate it when people ask this question to me and my husband we are trying but nothings happened yet so i never know what to say its so insensitive
Twinkle1 Twinkle1 9 years
I also have PCOS and needed some help getting pregnant. Fortunately for us, all it took was Clomid and lots and lots of trying. There were a couple of miscarriages along the way too. I feel for anyone having difficulty conceiving and staying pregnant.
wakeupandora wakeupandora 9 years
i have recently pursued an answer to my infertility and was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). A suprisingly high number of women have this syndrome and don't even realize it until they try to get pregnant. Luckily I was experiencing enough symptoms and researching enough to get an ultrasound and blood work. I'm now on a hypo-glycemic index diet to reduce my insulin resistance to try to menstrate/ovulate again (I haven't since 09/2007). Yesterday, I aunt flow came a'knockin and i've lost 15lbs already on the diet for 3 weeks. Don't suffer infertility in silence. Talk to as many professionals as you can, educate yourself and look at your options. My husband has also been a strong support for me. We already decided that if we are unsuccessful in trying to conceive within a 5 year window, then we will certainly adopt. It makes it a lot less stressful knowing we are a team on the matter.
schnappycat schnappycat 9 years
In our case, no amount of being "less stressed" would have helped us conceive naturally. Between my PCOS and my husband's very low sperm count, IVF essentially was our only option after several failed attempts with IUIs and other drugs. Fortunately, we found this out before we even started trying, which was helpful.
Twinkle1 Twinkle1 9 years
I don't ask people that question. I assume they either can't have a baby, are trying for one and don't need the added pressure, or don't want a baby. Either way, it's an awkward conversation.
Liss1 Liss1 9 years
Getting pregnant doesn't necessarily 'cure' endometriosis. My sister in law had a laporosocopy to remove "scarring" (i did also) and got pregnant the next year with her second baby. After she had the baby she got her tubes tied three months later and the "scarring" was already back. My doctor has told me the same thing but nothing really cures it unfortunately.
DFlyGoddess DFlyGoddess 9 years
Lauren, that is EXACTLY how I feel right now. Even though my sister just had what she calls a "miracle baby" at the age of 21 and my mother says we are a fertile bunch of women, the stories of unexplained infertility are scaring me so I'm trying (and not NOT trying) right now as well. That's an incredibly difficult and emotional process with my boyfriend always away since he's in the military. I guess because pregnancy can appear so public people aren't aware of how personal and private it really is until they experience it themselves.
peepshow peepshow 9 years
To answer the question: March 14th! I went to the Dr. after reading and freaking myself out about infertility... he told me I might have endometriosis. Followed by the best way to 'cure' it is to get pregnant. I think it's incredible when a couple tries and tries, and spends $$ for treatment. Successfully have a child, or even adopt- then pregnancy happens 'normally' about 6 months- 1 year later. I think it has a lot to do with stress levels and trying too hard.
schnappycat schnappycat 9 years
I was also just blessed (3 weeks ago) with a son through IVF, so I can relate. Everyone is different, but for me the best way I found to deal with infertility was to be straightforward with our struggles to family and friends (and even strangers). I never felt ashamed or embarrassed to simply explain that we had fertility issues and were seeking treatment and that I was grateful for medical technology for allowing us a different route to parenthood. A little levity went a long way with me and while people might have been thought it was odd I could joke about all of my tests and injections (and the crazy venues I had to give myself shots!), it actually made it easier on me and helped relieve some of the stress. I also found that it made it easier for my friends who were unsure how to react or deal with me. Remove the elephant from the room and it was less stressful for everyone. But I totally understand that I am probably a bit unusual in my attitude (it also helps that the first cycle of IVF worked for us and I might feel differently several cycles in or on another attempt to have a second child) and that most women are much more sensitive. So yes, I'm always careful broaching the subject of babies around other women because you just don't know what they may be going through.
LaurenG22 LaurenG22 9 years
I am kinda trying right now. I guess I am not NOT trying, you know? I went off BC this month and I am 25 and kinda nervous that it will be hard because I hear all these stories of infertility...
Liss1 Liss1 9 years
Why was i flagged? i didn't use any links, images, or curse words and it certainly was not my first comment. :(
Liss1 Liss1 9 years
I had wanted to have a baby when i turned 30, well i turned 31 two weeks ago. The timimg just has not been right, we are in the process of trying to buy our first home so hopefully when we find one and get settled we will try. (our house we rent now barely fits us so having a baby really isn't an option as we would have no where to put a crib) I am hoping that i will be able to get pregnant fairly quickly, i have endometriosis and i know that can cause fertility problems so it scares me to keep putting it off as we would really love to have children. Of course the doctors love to bring up that it causes fertility problems when i go and it stresses me out more. A friend of mine has been tring for almost three years and has not been able to get pregnant the doctors have not been able to find a problem with her so that makes me nervous.
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