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Lil Links: What Not to Say When a Woman Miscarries

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Greggie Greggie 8 years
I do know I have two babies in Heaven, watching me and protecting us. But I cannot imagine EVER telling someone else what they know and don't know. How presumptuous.
phatE phatE 8 years
tyau - first of all.. i am so so sorry for what you've been through.. it sounds like a similar situation a close friend of mine is dealing with.. it's a clotting disorder (not remembering the name) but something she wasn't aware of, and the doctors didn't look into until she heard about it and asked. she too was in the process of adopting after 3 miscarriages (1 at 26 weeks) and then became pregnant again.. She is due in NOV and currently takes shots daily that are similar to a blood thinner (my mind is literally gone right now and I am not remembering the names)... ANYWAY, she didn't have 5 miscarriages, but she did have 3, and tried for the same amount of time and was told the same thing.. I just wanted to put this out there because if she wouldn't have read about it randomly she wouldn't have known to ask.. I also have another friend who wasn't able to have children and has now adopted 2 girls.. Both from guatamala, and my gosh they are precious.. I know the adoption process in China has gotten tough, and so I hope it works out, and I feel so excited for you, because I know it will be a sweet sweet day when you finally hold your child.. One thing I think alot of people don't realize is that a child is a child no matter what phase or stage it's in.. The minute you find out, you have dreams and a love for your child.. Many people who really consider it a "fetus" or not really a life at that point don't understand the significance of the loss and therefore will say things like "you're still not over it, etc" because to them it wasn't a life.. That doesn't go for everyone, I just think alot of responses have something to do with beliefs, and so you get things from people because they just don't get it. I also think that grief is grief and loss is loss, someone mentioned a pet above, and no a pet isn't a child, but to someone who hasn't been able to have children, losing that pet is significant, and not something they can replace.. You can't measure people's reactions to their loss, people can't say, "oh at least you weren't this far along" or whatever.. It's not our place to say what another should feel in their circumstance.. (again, not saying that to anyone, just speaking in general).. I will say one more thing, and then stop.. My friend who miscarried 3 times had a cousin die in a car accident at like 18 or so.. She was talking to her aunt (and again, this is not a blanket statment, but a perspective) and her aunt said that she doesn't see my friend's pain as any different than hers, and almot imagines it to be worse.. she said she had those 18 years to cling too, and cherished every second.. they are both completely different losses, one of them had a day to day life with this person, and it was all of the sudden gone, and the other had dreams of doing those day to day things (waking them up for school, packing their lunch etc) and didn't get the chance.. All of that to say, a child is a child and loss is loss, don't compare or measure your grief to others, just let those around you love on you.. Hope I haven't said anything offensive.. I am not sure if this is sounding like I intended it to..
tyau30 tyau30 8 years
I agree whole heartedly with brown eyed grrl...the only appropriate thing to say to someone who has had a miscarriage (or someone who's experiencing pain or loss) is "I'm sorry." Then be there for them. That day, the next week, the next year when everyone else has forgotten about it. When my husband and I first tried to start a family, I was told that I would never conceive without the aid of fertility drugs. Since then (4 years ago) I've had 5 miscarriages. Yes, 5, and it turns out that not only can I not conceive naturally, but also that my uterus can't sustain a pregnancy. I've had people say it all to me: "Oh, at least you know you can get pregnant". Yeah, well it doesn't really help if my body can't stay pregnant does it? "Oh, at least you know you have a baby waiting in heaven for you". Really? REALLY? I don't know that. How do you? And how is that supposed to help me? "It'll happen when it's supposed to happen." I could go on and on. You know what helped me? My friends who could handle my anger and sadness just by being there for me. My friends who didn't try to fix the situation. Those friends who would listen without offering advice or trite sayings when I needed to talk about it. The friends who would hug me while I'm sobbing. The friends who came to my house in the darkest moments to take me out for drinks and some good music. Adoption has always been a part of our family plan, and we're currently in the process of adopting a baby girl from China. I couldn't be happier, but I still have to deal with the insensitive things people say to me.
Martini-Rossi Martini-Rossi 8 years
I had a friend who went through this a few months ago. All I could say is that Im sorry and if she needed anything or needed to talk I was there. Its extremely difficult to go through that and some ppl take it as losing a pet...well at least you can replace it. Try again. heard my manager say something to that effect..."its been a few month...I mean move on!" Shes an insensitive witch.
Greggie Greggie 8 years
It makes sense, I just don't agree that it's an acceptable thing to say. Especially if you don't know the reason for the miscarriage, since it could mean that the woman can get pregnant but not carry a pregnancy to term.
phatE phatE 8 years
Just to comment on the "at least you can get pregnant" comment.. I agree that anything with the words "at least" isn't a good way to start consoling someone, but I will say that for someone who tried and tried and tried for ever, being able to get pregnant provides some hope.. I think it's really about how it's worded, but if worded correctly, it's not as bad as "it was meant to be" etc.. I think people use it incorrectly, and it's almost like oh well, you can have another one.. I think if you grieve and validate the person, you have more room to say things and have them come across correctly where as those who just blurt it out, or use it as a first reaction don't. Does that make sense? I may be totally off, that's just what I have found..
brown_eyed_grrl brown_eyed_grrl 8 years
The only thing that's ever appropriate is "I'm sorry for your loss." That goes for any loss--miscarriage, death of a family member, etc. I can't believe people said such stupid, unthoughtful things to that woman.
Greggie Greggie 8 years
In general, I despise "at least" comments as a "consolation" for anything.
Greggie Greggie 8 years
None of them helped me. And "at least you can get pregnant" is pretty disasterous if the pregnancy can't be carried to term.
roxtarchic roxtarchic 8 years
and i'm so sorry to everyone who's experienced a miscarraige...
roxtarchic roxtarchic 8 years
it's hard finding words for something like this... especially when you've not had the horrible experience and just can't imagine... or know what to say... i think this is an informative post!
RosaDilia RosaDilia 8 years
When one of my sisters miscarried she was 5 mos pregnant. I didn't see her for a couple of days because I didn't know what to say. When I finally went to visit her we just cried and hugged. I think that made her feel much better than me having to say something.
meumitsuki meumitsuki 8 years
Although you don't want to hear those things when it happens, I found that afterwards, it gave me something to think about and it turns out most of those thoughts are true and did eventually help. Even the "at least you know you can get pregnant," it gave doctors a starting point to start working.
Greggie Greggie 8 years
I can't see the video (baby sleeping in my arms and I don't want to wake her) but I hope it includes things like "It was meant to be," "it was for the best," and "At least you weren't that far along." There's really not much you CAN say to make it better. Just offer condolences and let the woman know you're there. I also know many women who hate hearing "You're in my prayers."
Twinkle1 Twinkle1 8 years
My favorite was "At least you know you can get pregnant."
pinkprincess1101 pinkprincess1101 8 years
those where good ones its always so sad when someone miscarries especially one who has tried forever
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