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Miscarriage and Infertility

Babies Don't Always Come Easy

Nobody said life was fair and with pregnancy, I find this especially true. I consider myself lucky having gotten pregnant right away with both my kids and all things considered having had easy, uneventful deliveries. I've never experienced the loss that comes with having a miscarriage or the sadness that follows while stowing away items that were enthusiastically purchased for an impending birth.

Since I am a mother, just imagining that void brings me to tears. And, knowing couples that have lost a child or children, some of who seem like they were born to parent makes it all the more devastating.

While statistics vary, most estimate 20 to 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. So many women don't take the possibility or reality of being a mother for granted. A recent New York Times article about freelance writer, Catherine MacRae Hockmuth's struggle with infertility was especially poignant. To finish the story,

. It said:

"Most of our friends and family don’t know we have all of these books, photos, names and parenting philosophies. I doubt it occurs to people with real babies that we have prepared exactly as they have, if not more. The only thing we don’t have is the baby book. Hallmark doesn’t carry a version for people like us to preserve our “Empty Uterus” and “Embryo in the Wrong Place” pictures. (Instead of “Our Baby” embossed on the cover, I suppose they could put “Well, It Was a Long Shot Anyway.”)"


Join The Conversation
coachluvr33 coachluvr33 8 years
My husband and I have been trying for 4 yrs to get pregnant, we went through testing, iui...they couldn't find anything wrong, but I wasn't getting pregnant. I pretty much gave up about 3 months ago. Well now I just found out I am 6 weeks pregnant. I am terrified. I don't want anyone other than my closest friends to know because I am afraid something bad is going to happen. I am 34 years old. I had my daughter when I was married to my ex when I was 22. No problems. Now, after all this, I am finally pregnant and terrified. Every pain or symptom terrifies me. This is the scariest thing right now.
JennyJen2 JennyJen2 9 years
So glad this topic was discussed here. People in general need to be aware that there are so many couples who have trouble getting and/or staying pregnant. It is a private issue that many people suffer through alone.
pjirick pjirick 9 years
I have PCOS and it's extremely difficult (impossible) for me to get pregnant on my own. I just started fertility treatments though, and I'm hoping that I get lucky.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
oh this is a difficult subject. i got pregnant w/i 3 months of trying 4 years in a row and we have 3 girls. our son died at birth (which we were informed would happen) and our oldest daughter has autism (diagnoised at 2 years 8 months). parenting is full of highs and lows and some of them happen before the baby is in the nursery. an interesting journey to be sure and differnt for every parent.
abqmama abqmama 9 years
I was not expecting or even trying to get pregnant with my first son so that was a bit of a surprise. After a wonderful pregnancy and a perfect delivery I never thought twice about having another baby, I knew we would some day. A few years later I was unexpectidly pregnant again. My first pregnancy was so great I never even considered that something might go wrong so when I miscarried at 8 weeks I was devastated. I took the next couple of months to get myself together and 3 months later I was pregnant again. I was scared to death during most of the pregnancy until the very end but in October I delivered a beautiful and healthy baby boy. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. No matter how painful the miscarriage was, the baby we lost was not the baby we were supposed to have. If we hadn't lost that one, we would never have had our beautiful little boy. I am lucky to have had two great pregnancies and have never had to deal with issues of infertility. My prayers to all the women who are having a hard time becoming mothers. Hang in there, and best of luck to all of you.
NinaG NinaG 9 years
2 years ago, after trying for almost ten months, I finally got pregnant only to miscarry at five weeks. I actually took it surprisingly well: "just nature taking its course". We tried again and I was pregnant again within 2 months. My husband and I were over the moon. I went for a checkup at 5 weeks and all was fine. At our next checkup at 6-7 weeks, the situation had changed. The Dr. could no longer find a heartbeat. I managed to keep it together in the dr's office but broke down in tears in the parking lot. The fact that two other friends were pregnant "without even trying!!!" at the same time only added to my resentment/anger/heartbreak/misery/sense of injustice etc etc. Our Dr ordered some exams (turns out I had ureaplasma present in the uterus/cervix/vagina) and a 10 day bout of antibiotics for my husband and me was ordered. I was determined to get my head out of this situation and decided to take a rest. My husband and I used a condom because I wanted to wait 3 mos before trying again: I wanted my uterus (and heart!) to heal (I had a D&C the 2nd time) and the antibiotics to be completely out of my system. Imagine my surprise when my period did not show up on the 4th month! Despite a restful preganancy, I had no other problems and delivered a beautiful,healthy baby boy. He is now almost 10 mos old and such a source of joy in our lives. Please ladies, KNOW that you are not alone, find someone to talk to if you need it and do not lose hope. My best wishes to all of you out there.
Mel475 Mel475 9 years
I have one child and had a wonderful pregnancy with him. So I was very unprepared to have my second pregnancy end in miscarriage (last Christmas). While I believe (as do the doctors) that this was just "one of those things" and that I do not have necessarily have fertility/infertility issues, it is still extremely painful and disheartening to have happen. I know my own heartbreak was difficult and I still grieve my loss. I am very nervous to get pregnant again. My heart goes out to those who must deal with this or other fertility issues repeatedly. The only small comfort is knowing that you are not alone, that others have gone through and are going through similar situations and that you have support if you ask for it. Don't be afraid to talk about it or ask for help. And definitely, don't blame yourself. Allow yourselves the opportunity to grieve your losses - they might not have been real to other people just yet but we as mothers, they were very real to us and we already knew them as our children.
cbgmick cbgmick 9 years
To all currently and previously struggling.... I empathisize with your pain, anxiety, anger and feelings of hopelessness at times. For each person, the struggle of infertility, miscarriage, and other difficulties is different and often unshared with even close friends and family. Wheresheshops... I've been in your position several times and it really sucks. I hope you get through this "waiting stage" soon. I was fortunate to get pregnant w/ my son very easily 5 years ago but ended up having a very high risk pregnancy, which was really difficult and scary both physically and emotionally. It took 5 years and many miscarriages to become pregnant again. I know how fortunate I am to even be where I am now, but those years in between were sometimes really hard (especially when one of my closest friends was pregnant w/ her 2nd child and we "shared a due date" until I miscarried at 16 weeks). I did find that some talk therapy was helpful for me throughout this ordeal... I felt less alone, more validated, and since I didn't want to share all my woes w/ friends and family it was a good and healthy outlet for me to cope re: my range of emotions. My deepest wishes for future happiness to all of you
moderngal moderngal 9 years
I wish more women talked about miscarriage. I had a horrible experience that ended with a D&E last spring. When I finally told people what was going on, I was so surprised to hear of so many others that had similar experiences. I wish I had known at the time- I wouldn't have felt so alone.
WhereSheShops WhereSheShops 9 years
Thank you for addressing this issue. I, too, am battling with infertility (endometriosis, IUIs, Clomid, shots, progesterone, etc) It just sucks-period. Women who have not gone through this just can not possibly understand, but it is nice to get the word out and hopefully they can be able to sympathize just a little bit. I am actually waiting for my body to realize that there is an unhealthy pregnancy developing in my uterus. Why can't I just miscarry already so that I can move on? After, countless sonograms, medications, suppositories, and shots, and still not able to get pregnant...what is a girl supposed to do? I do not wish this on anybody, but those of you who are fertile myrtles, just remember there are others who are struggling to share your happiness and joy.
ellipsery ellipsery 9 years
I always feel bad for women who can't get pregnant but whom I know would make great parents. The women in my family are definitely "fertile myrtles," but probably half of us should NOT be allowed to have children. We've got terrible genes but amazing reproduction capabilities. I don't want to have children (and should not be allowed to, trust me), and I wish that I could just give my fertility to some woman who not only would wants to be a mother but also who would make a good mother. I've never been very maternal, and I feel so guilty that I have no problems with fertility whatsoever.
schnappycat schnappycat 9 years
I feel for you, thatsmypurse. I am finally successfully pregnant after trying fertility treatments on and off for years. I also have PCOS and my husband has substantial issues, too, which made a natural conception nearly impossible (we were both diagnosed late--already in our early 30s). We did 4 IUIs (one resulting in miscarriage) before turning to IVF last spring. Fortunately, the first cycle worked for us and I realize just how lucky we are. But it's hard to adequately explain to fertile people just how stressful, painful (physically (with numerous tests and injections) and otherwise), emotional, and expensive (one cycle of IVF alone cost us about $14000) it can be just for the hope of one child. And if we try again, it will likely be even more difficult given my age. I don't mind talking about our struggles because I know it's nothing I did to cause it and am not ashamed, but at the same time, I hate pity. I try to accept it's just a different path we have/had to take and I think it's made me stronger. Surprisingly, one of the hardest things for me has been the anxiety associated with finally being pregnant. After years of thinking it might not happen and we'd have to pursue other means to be parents, it's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that it actually worked. I was in denial for months and didn't want to get my hopes up in case something happened, as it had before. I held off ordering furniture until I was forced to, didn't want to commit to a name, didn't tell some family and friends until I had an obvious belly, didn't want to get too attached to the fetus, and those sorts of things. I'm due in 10 days now, and it's only been the last month or two where I actually can accept that he's coming, supposedly healthy. But I still worry that something bad will happen and am wary about acting too excited for fear my heart will break. I know that sounds silly, but it's hard to explain to someone who is fertile, had no problems, and know they can always have another why I wasn't over the moon and announcing it to the world at 6 weeks.
ccsugar ccsugar 9 years
thatsmypurse my thoughts are with you. Just reading that brings tears to my eyes. I don't have children and don't have plans to become pregnant in the near future. But I know when that time comes I will have problems, I've had problems ovulating (I have PCOS) and a few women on my mom's side of the family have had miscarriages and problems getting pregnant. It took my mom a few years just to conceive me. I'm very concerned about this because I would love to be a mom one day!
thatsmypurse thatsmypurse 9 years
We're struggling with these troubles right now and I feel like it's even harder because every time I turn on the tv or look at a magazine another celebrity is pregnant. My MIL died in May and 2 of my husbands friends decided to announce both of their wives were pregnant that same day and let me tell you, there were so many tears for so many reasons we could have filled an Olympic swimming pool. Both of them had their babies the second week of December and honestly I cried all those days too because it still hasn't happened for us. I'm still dealing with the not only sadness but anger and resentment towards people that it comes easy too. I actually started therapy because of it. It will happen one day, naturally, medically assisted or through adoption I know I was meant to be a mother.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
:cry: That passage kills me. I'm fertile myrtle and have had the easiest pregnancies and deliveries known to woman. I've been lucky enough to not really be able to comprehend just how hard this can be. I have friends here and IRL that have gone through these issues and it just tears my heart out. Especially when you read stories of horribly abusive parents and you wonder why do they get kids and wonderful people who want them more than anything have to struggle!? And, like kia said, often they have to struggle alone without the support and sympathy that people get after other kinds of traumatic events. :cry:
kia kia 9 years
There is no awareness for folks that aren't meeting success. People don't want to shout from the rooftops that it hasn't happened and it generally remains a private anguish. If anything people question why a couple doesn't have kids yet and that seems like it could sting even more.
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