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Mommy Dearest: Want to Be Alone During Delivery

Mommy Dearest,

My boyfriend and I have had a tumultuous relationship while I have been pregnant with his baby. As a firsttime mom, I want to avoid any hospital drama during delivery. I want to do it on my own with my doctor. How do I state my intentions without causing upset?

— Want to Be Alone During Labor

To read the response from Mommy Dearest,


Want to Be Alone During Labor,

As an expectant mother, your first priority is your baby's health and well-being as well as your own. If you are set on your decision, clearly state it to the baby's father and allow him to deal with it. Then, focus on what's most important welcoming your baby!

— Mommy Dearest

Submit a question for this feature at the Mommy Dearest Group on TeamSugar.


amybabybaby amybabybaby 8 years
I completely understand what you are going through, I'am currently 23 weeks pregnant and recently single. The father of my child is irresponsible and childish. I recently left him and have not had much contact with him in the past months. I can sympathize with not wanting him there.I have decided i will deliver my baby alone or with the help of a friend, mother, sister. But it being his child i do believe he has the right to see the baby after birth, even though i do not want any contact with him during my labor, and postpartum. It is a very emotional time and already having one child, it really does help to have someone there (mother) to hug and cry on if YOU feel the need too.. Good luck girl, be strong.
ladydanaj ladydanaj 8 years
This is completely your decision. He has NO Right to be there when you are in pain, uncomfortable, and just flat out don't want him to be there. I'd consider asking a friend or close relative to be there with you though. Btw, avoid discussions with him about it. Don't tell him when you're going into labor-of anyone asks who to call give them the name of you mom, sister, or friend. Later on, call him and say it happened so fast you didn't have time to contact him.
lawyerjenn lawyerjenn 8 years
I think the first step is to ask him to go to labor and delivery classes with you. Let him see just how ugly and scary childbirth is. After classes, you will get one of two distinct impressions: (1) He is concerned about you and want to be your rock during delivery OR (2) he is grossed out/freaked out and is concerned about being there for the delivery and how might affect HIM. If he wants to be your rock, let him. As Leeabear said you NEED a person there with you. If he is acting immature and says something along the lines of "just don't expect constant backrubs from me lady", then there is your answer. Find a sister/friend/mom to be your person. I am with the minority in that feel he has no "right" to be at the birth of the baby. He has EVERY RIGHT IN THE WORLD to be a father once the baby the baby is born and you can never deny him that. You should absolutely have him on call once your you are delivering so he can come see the baby as soon as he wants to once its born. You are vulnerable, you are the patient and frankly, I think you call the shots.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
what a sad situation to be in...not even wanting him must be a pretty rocky relationship and will be an even rockier road with a baby. i'd think that having him there might bring the two of you closer together so you can really experience this together and maybe make a go of being a family...i also think you might want some moral support in there. it could get lonely and scary. but if you really are sure, then just state to him that you don't need the drama (i'm sure he knows you have a dramatic relationship) and tell him you want him in there as soon as the baby is born so you can enjoy him/her together. if you don't at least give him that liberty, you're just being cruel, since it is his child too.
roxtarchic roxtarchic 8 years
I see this from so many different perspectives. I think Leeabear makes a GREAT point about needing someone with you (i had my sister and my dh there), it's important to have someone help you & hold your hand. On the other hand.... you need it to be someone who will HELP you, not aggravate you, or upset you (because you really ARE going to have emotions that wash over you and drown you at times during the labor & birth & right after). No matter how contentious the relationship is, the important thing, is welcoming that baby into a world and doing whats right FOR THE BABY... which means putting your feelings aside if the Daddy wants to be there, and be a part of the baby's life... that's for the benefit of the baby... period. What about having TWO people in the room... like i did... one held my hand, the other gawked at what was happening south of the border & shouted encouragement throughout... something like that might work for you.
leeabear leeabear 8 years
As a Labor and Delivery nurse and a Mom of one with a new one on the way, I can't even tell you how important it is to have someone in the delivery room with you. First of all, you will barely even see your doctor at your delivery except for when the head is coming out, the nurses do most of the work. Secondly, your nurse can't always be in the room with you 24/7, and it will be pretty lonely in there when you are writhing around in pain and have no one to help support you through the biggest and hardest day of your life. Actually, you are not the first person to go through this. I have seen many relationships that were "on the rocks" prior to admission and were instant "love birds" as soon as they saw the baby that they had BOTH created. I know this is YOUR body, and YOUR decision, but you can't forget how you got to be pregnant in the first place, which was by HIM. I think by not letting him in for the delivery, you are depriving him of his special moment of being able to see his first born child coming into this world. I think you guys both need to sit down and talk calmly about your future as either a couple or single parents raising a child. Because if it doesn't work out now, just wait, the hard part hasn't even begun! If you thought you guys were on edge now, wait til the midnight and 3am feedings! Even the best relationships are going to be tested during this time of your lives. You just have to decide what's most important, which in my opinion, is raising a healthy child in the most loving environment it could possibly have.
facin8me facin8me 8 years
I'm going to approach this from a medical standpoint: if there are people in the room during your delivery that you don't want there, your labor and delivery process could end up slowed and stalled. I haven't had a baby yet, but I enjoy the writings of Dr. Michel Odent on this matter- the only thing you have to do on the day your baby is born is get into your reptilian brain, shut off distractions, and concentrate on letting your body do what it needs to do. Unnecessary distractions: bright lights, people poking you, and certainly dumba** boyfriends that you don't want there, will stall the process. I myself was born about 5 minutes after my dad was kicked out of the delivery room when my mom proclaimed "get out." She knew what her body needed to do and she knew that it was being interfered with.
RobinFabulous RobinFabulous 8 years
Apparently I'm in the minority here. I believe the birth is YOURS. This means you have every right to request who you would like to be there, or not be there. You would have 100% support if this was your pushy mother, pesky sister, sweet grandmother, or drama queen best friend that you'd rather not have in the delivery room, and to me there's not a huge leap to soon to be ex-partner. I do believe he should be afforded the right to see the baby soon after birth, but a birth is a personal thing, with your body taking center stage, so no, don't feel badly about asking him to wait in the waiting room
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 8 years
i wonder if this is hard for you to say because you know you're doing him wrong? you might regret it later if you dont let him be with you during the birth, because you are depriving him of a joyous and important moment, and he will also be able to help you look back and remember the special details. (you might still be together in the future, right?) whoever else would be there with you might do the same but the event wont be as meaningful for them, probably, and then they would likely remember and notice less. what about setting some ground rules? even in a relatively stable relationship, the guy might not do everything right in the delivery room, but hearing him joyously cry out 'its a boy/girl at that moment kind of makes up for it. not to 'talk down' to you or anything, but you probably wont know how important and huge this all is emotionally until it happens. good luck!
ldsims ldsims 8 years
I feel the same as you Jessie I don't think that it is his right to be in the room with you as long as he has the chance to see the baby as soon as the birth occurs. Just take your time and don't make a decision that you will regret.
Jessiebanana Jessiebanana 8 years
I guess I disagree with the majority. I don't think it is his "right" to be there during delivery. I think it is his right to see the baby as soon as it's born. You are about to go through a physically stressful process and you should be as comfortable as you need to be. If being alone, with a friend or relative is more comforting then being with him then you should do it. Let him know ahead of time to avoid confusion and if he is any sort of man then he should know this day is about the birth of the child and not him. For some/most people labor takes a while and you can change your mind to have him there if he is in the hospital.
bluepuppybites bluepuppybites 8 years
Just remember that when your pregnant you are already quite emotional, so please take the time to think before you do anything.
smarler smarler 8 years
I think there are several ways to handle this, actually. You can either say you'd just rather fly solo, which is one option, of course. But having just helped a friend of mine through her delivery, I feel that this is something that most women want a comforting companion to lean on during the whole process (let's face it - we could be talking many, many hours!). My advice (of course, based on your feelings) is to consider a close friend or family member you'd prefer rather than the father. For whatever various "reason" ("My sister already has kids of her own, she knows what's up." or "My best friend is such a comforting person.") just explain it to your partner as best as possible. Regardless, consider having someone with you. It's long, and hard, but also the best experience ever. Share it with someone you love, regardless of who that person is.
jessie jessie 8 years
if he wants to be there....don't cheat him. its your choice, but think hard...if he wants to see his child born....he has every right. if he's there...keep convo's light and focus on the baby. deal with your realtionship afterwards.
Greggie Greggie 8 years
K is for Kait said it much better than I did.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 8 years
Depending on how tumultuous your relationship actually is. Is it just a lack of emotion between the two of you or is it constant screaming and fighting, maybe even psychicality? If it's on the latter end of that scale, I can understand why you'd want to keep him out. If it's more along the lines of an emotion distancing between the two of you, I'd say it's pretty unfair for you to keep him away from the birth of his child IF he wants to be there. It kind of seems like your trying to kick him out of the baby's life before the baby's even born. Since you didn't provide much detail on how the relationship has been tumultuous, it's hard to judge. But you are still with the guy, which says to me that things were never so bad that you left the relationship. And you should probably think of this too-- if he wants to be there and you kick him out, that's likely to be the end of your relationship (though if you think ending it is best for your child, go for it.)
Rinne Rinne 8 years
A friend of mine had the same issue, their relationship had gone up and down throughout the pregnancy and decided to keep him out of the delivery room. She's glad she made the decision, she found out that he was cheating the day before her daughter was born (she was in labor for a WHILE) and he never wanted anything to do with little Beatrix, so she'll never have anything to do with him. If I was pregnant while dating someone, and our relationship was going all over the place during the pregnancy I'd be hesitant to let him into the delivery room as well. My advice? Make a decision ahead of time, so that emotions don't take over and you can make it known to the nurses or doctors who will be there with you during your labor, and they can help you with it.
Greggie Greggie 8 years
I think it's rather unfair to leave him out if he truly wants to be a part of it, but I guess if you truly think it'll endanger the delivery to have him there, that's your choice.
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