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Lil Community: I Need Help With My Children's Father

Parenthood brings up a whole host of issues. easybreezy88 asks our readers for some advice in The Mommy Club group.

So every morning I wake up with the kids and make them breakfast, change my sons diaper, and start cleaning the house. That's the story for almost every mom right? Well here is the twist. My boyfriend, and their father, never helps. In fact, he always makes it harder on me.

Like when they wake up and I am trying to get out of bed he will say, "Just five more minutes, come on I just want to cuddle." Stuff like that. When I ask him to help me clean, he will not. He will stay on his 360 and the help will never happen. I have physical therapy two times a week so I leave and my boyfriend uses that against me. He says, "You always get a break, you get to go out to your therapy". I also work more hours a week then he does. I do all the errands, I make all the meals, I clean the whole house, and I am the one who watches the kids most of the time. When I do ask for help he gets mad, and yet he is always needing something.


I am starting to build a wall between us. I don't like to cuddle anymore because behind my smile I am so angry with him. Except I can't talk to him because he just starts defending himself and gets mad. He won't even listen to me.

Read the entire post here.

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Lila91 Lila91 7 years
I agree with Renee3. I was in a similar situation, and last June I started getting annoyed with my daughter's father; by August I was keeping a journal in which I wrote down every little thing that he did to aggravate/annoy/madden me, and at the end of the month I told him how I was feeling (how I had been feeling), and why. Then, after an hour of talking we decided it was best to take a break so Ella Lacey and I moved out, and then about two months later we decided to just end it completely. I'm not saying that's exactly what you should do...But it's an idea. At least write down everything he does to aggravate you, and then tell him in a calm setting and talk things out. Maybe the two of you could come up with a compromise that won't end the relationship, but make it better.
Renees3 Renees3 7 years
My advice is to do what I always do. Write a letter. Write out everything you need to say, like everyone else has mentioned, try to keep it about you and what you need and not accusing him. Then tell him you need to talk to him and that he needs to sit and listen until you're done. This gives you a chance to get it all out there and writing it in advance you know you'll say everything you wanted, not forget or say something mean or unhelpful. Good luck!
Sarana Sarana 7 years
This sounds like my parents' situation and they have been together for nearly 40 years. I have no idea how my mother puts up with it. My brother and me have left the house now so it's not dealing with the kids anymore but it is all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the shopping etc etc. I don't know how old your husband is but he might be beyond help. Some men can't (or won't!) change for the better. Might be best to realize this early on.
sourcherry sourcherry 7 years
I agree that you absolutely have to talk to him. Be 100% rational and avoid going down the "I do xyz, and you do nothing" route. That will only make him get defensive. Just tell him that you can't get everything done and since you work too, you think you two should start sharing domestic tasks. Wait until he understands you're point and agrees, and then make a schedule together. He gets to pick what he wants to do and knows with notice what he has to do. He can plan his Xbox gaming around that if he wants! It will take time for this to work well. You'll need to remind him of that schedule, often, and you'll have to refrain from doing his tasks if he's delaying them. Leave the dishes alone until he does them, or he won't get the point. Remember that he never had to lift a finger all his life, and it takes time to form habits. Be patient and compliment him when he helps. Just stay positive and be persistent. Good luck!=)
AbbyHintz AbbyHintz 7 years
I think lilegwene's approach is the right way. Yes, you absolutely need to talk to him. But don't start the conversation with sentiments like "I do so much more than you do," and "I will leave you if you don't change." This will make him stop listening, get on the defensive, etc. I suspect that getting a positive response is all in the way that you ask. Try things like, "I'm not going to have time today to get to the laundry. Could you do a load" or "I'd really like to cuddle with you tonight, but I'm swamped with housework. Could you do the dishes for me?" or "I have time to stay in bed with you a little longer if you can change Son's diaper." Without providing a list of all the things you do and all the things he is neglecting, you can easily have a sincere conversation where you talk about how you feel overwhelmed and tired with responsibilities -- and solicit his advice. How does he recommend handling the situation?
Relli80 Relli80 7 years
Skigurl does give good advice and so does runnignesq, they always do. I am in a similar situation, except i actually bought the playstation for boyfriend and father of my son, because he had been doing so well at helping me out, with the understanding that it was for his down time when the baby is asleep and all his chores are done. My boyfriend also was raised without a father, and the stepfather he had was not exactly great considering it came out when my boyfriend was 18 that he a secret other family living across town with children about 5 years younger than my boyfriend's youngest sister. He has other issues too that also did not come out until we had a baby and started to face some real life problems such as money and work. As much as it hurt I had to be honest with him, that IMO i think he has some real fears about growing up and being an adult. That he needs to realize that the dreams he has of retiring and buying property were not going to happen unless he cleaned up his act, metaphorically and financially, he has some really BAD credit that he was not up front with me about. That i want to be in a relationship with a real adult because I am one too now (he is 8 years older than me, when we met i was 25 and still bit of a party girl). And i work just hard as he does to provide for our child, right now he wants more and I basically told him not until he has a better paying job and gets a hold of his financial situation. Bottom line. You need to be honest with him. Like Karla mentioned use you "i" statements. No accusations. No crying. No manipulations. Just your feelings, its not going to solve everything and no situation is perfect, but you cannot walk away until you have stated how you feel and give him a chance to work at it. You probably also need to remind him that children need a father not a friend.
esweet esweet 7 years
Wow. I agree with skigurl. He is extremely immature but more than that...the fact that you work and do everything else - and he views your physical therapy as a "break" while he spends ANY time planing video games is ridiculous. That's a huge issue right there; he isn't willing or ready to face reality. I think professional counseling is one of the only options, I'm not sure how to get through to someone like this without some sort of professional help. Otherwise, if it does not get better, I would consider leaving. That isn't an easy option but your frustration building will not be good for yourself (mentally, phsically, emotionally) or the children. Good luck!
lilegwene lilegwene 7 years
I disagree with telling him "I will leave you soon if..." When you're first starting the conversation with him, I wouldn't suggest making an ultimatum. Instead bring up things that he does that you appreciate, and bring up good qualities that he has that made you want to have children with him in the first place. Then tell him you feel like you need more help in certain areas, ex: laundry and cleaning. Could he do a load and clean the bathrooms every Sunday? That would help you out sooo very much, etc. I think instead of shaming him and saying "I do all of THIS, so the least you can do is xyz", try to get him to want to help you out. Also, for yourself, I'll reiterate to focus on the things that made you have children with this man in the first place. It is easy to build a wall and feel offended and unappreciated, it is almost impossible to bring that wall down. I don't think you should even lay a brick! /ok, enough with that analogy... ;) Good luck!
runningesq runningesq 7 years
skigirl gives good advice ^^. It sounds like he is reluctant to grow up. This: He will stay on his 360 and the help will never happen is a big red flag. He has children and responsibilities -- xBox comes last (if at all). Your PT is not a "break" -- it's not like you are drinking cosmos with your girlfriends or getting a manicure. This is for your health. It's like telling a kid their doctor's apt. is a vacation! I think joint counselling is a good idea, but if he's not open to that, I'm not sure what to suggest. My guess is that you will continue to resent him and things won't get better... in that case, you'll have to make the (difficult) decision to leave. Good luck.
skigurl skigurl 7 years
you really really really really need to talk to him about this. and possibly go to counselling together. on one hand (devil's advocate here) - if no one has ever taught him any different or told him his flaws, he doesn't know any better and he's used to getting what he wants and never having responsibility SO (rationale side here) - you just need to TELL HIM! be totally honest with him, and say to him (when you're calm and not in the heat of passion and not with kids around), "I am so frustrated that I don't want to be near you. I will leave you soon if this doesn't stop." you need to honestly sit him down and tell him so it scares the crap out of him and then you may need a professional (like a counselor) to teach him ways to change. this is such a frustrating situation and I feel for you a lot, but he is acting like a little kid, and unless he changes, you may as well be doing this on your own in your own space...since you're doing it on your own right now in his
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