Sex after kids is often comical, and mother Meredith Masony of That's Inappropriate hits the nail on the head with her description of it in a post that first appeared on Suburban Misfit Moms.
Sex is great. If you are married you will probably agree that sex has changed since you got married. If you have kids, you will probably agree that sex changed once again after the joyful arrival of your blessings. Here are 11 types of sex that people who are "married with children" have.
11 Types of "Married With Children" Sex
- "Shower" Sex: It's not steamy, hot, sudsy, porn shower sex. It's more like; "Hey, we have ten minutes and I don't want to have to shower again today, so you do want to do it?" shower sex. You most likely end of smacking your head into the shower door or wall, and at least once during the sex a kid will knock on the bathroom door and ask, "Why are you both in there?"
- "Hotel" Sex: Oh yeah. Married people love hotel sex, but not for the reason you're thinking. Hotel sex means you are away from your kids and there will be no interruptions. Which in turn means after the five minutes the sex takes, you can take a 3 hour uninterrupted nap. That's right, a sexy nap that will leave you completely satisfied.
- "Are you serious?" Sex: This type of sex usually occurs when one person is in the mood and the other one just wants to go to bed. In my case it usually starts with my husband pretending to rub my back. Some how he gets confused and rubs my breasts thinking they are my shoulder blades (In his defense I have very small breasts.). This usually prompts me to say, "Are you serious?" which usually ends with, "It will only take 5 minutes."
- "Roll over on your side" Sex: This one might just be me, but when I am in the middle of an episode of Grey's Anatomy and my husband has an urge, I will be a good sport and roll over, but I always roll towards the T.V. I don't want to miss anything. Plus, Dr. Avery is a delightful milk-chocolate treat that like a Hershey bar always leaves me satisfied.
- "I'm just kidding unless you're serious" Sex: Married sex can be exciting. You can ask your partner about their fantasies and what gets their engine all revved up. Most of the time people say things to find out what type of reaction they are going to receive. So when your wife jokes about buying a vibrator and says, "I'm just kidding, unless you think it's a good idea" buy her a vibrator. Buy a bunch of stuff. Sex is fun and you've got to spice it up to keep it interesting and exciting.
- "10 Minutes until they get home" Sex: This usually occurs when the grandparents or someone has the kids but they are on there way home. You meant to have sex earlier, but the laundry and dishes got in the way. So you do what you have to do and get the sex and shower completed in record time.
- "Did you fall asleep?" Sex: When are children are young, we have many sleepless nights. I am currently living in a constant state of exhaustion and my youngest is 5 years old. I am not sure if or when I will wake from the fog, but I do know that there is a possibility that I promised my husband sex and instead I fell asleep. If your husband is like mine, he will wake you up and collect on the promise.
- "I've had a box of wine" Sex: Raising kids and working is stressful. On the weekends it's nice to relax and have a drink. Sometimes those drink turns into a bottle. When that happens, you can count on some fun drunk sex. This usually involves playful chasing and potentially a spanking. It definitely ends with an "I can't believe I drank that much" hangover in the morning.
- "Did the doorknob just turn?" Sex: The fear is always there. Is tonight going to be the night that one of the kid's walks in and find Daddy wrapping Mommy up into a figure eight wrestling move? It seems that you are always listening to hear little footsteps and the turn of the doorknob. It will happen. At some point they will get an eye full and the questions will ensue. Lock the door people. Lock the door.
- "OMG! We cannot have another baby!" Sex: I know all about this kind of sex. Life is going great. You feel like you are on top of your game, and BOOM! You get drunk at the company Christmas party and end up having unprotected couch sex and waking up saying, "We cannot have another baby. I am done having babies." Nine months later, I had baby number 3. Six weeks after baby number 3, I had a tubal ligation. Which leads to the final kind of sex.
- "I got fixed!" Sex: This is by far the best kind of sex. No condoms, no worries, just freedom. If you or your husband got fixed, you are free to have sex anytime and potentially anywhere you want. But don't get too excited. You are still married and have kids so you options for when and where are limited. An empty bounce house at a children birthday party is not a great option. Be smart now that you no longer have to be safe.
So relax and know that your sex life is just fine if you have any or all of these types of sex. Kids, jobs, and exhaustion can get in the way of romance and roses. Do it when you can, as often as you can, and remember that you picked your spouse for a reason. I am hopeful that one day we can have loud, crazy, and naked all over the house sex.