4 Types of Toxic Phrases You Should Never Say to Boys
"You're too sensitive." "Stop crying!" "Boys will be boys." "Because I said so."
The first phrase tells your son that he's being something he shouldn't be; the second dismisses his emotions; the third tells him that his behavior is OK because he's male; and the fourth shows that you don't really care about his needs. As commonly as some of these types of phrases are used around kids, they can all be toxic and have the potential to lower his self-esteem rather than empower him and show that you support him, whoever he is.
"Rigid beliefs about [what it is to be a] boy can be very detrimental to a child, as boys come in all shapes and sizes and a wide range of personalities, preferences, and natural leadings," Anahid Lisa Derbabian, a licensed professional counselor, told Fatherly.
Parenting is hard, and so many things get said in moments of frustration, but know that your son, whether a toddler or a teen, is going to be easily influenced by your words. You're the person who is supposed to build them up no matter the situation. So, to avoid potentially crushing your son's self-esteem or shaping who he "should" be, read through for the phrases you should never say to boys (and check out the 12 things you can be doing to boost your child's confidence).
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Phrases that dismiss boys’ emotions.
These phrases, when uttered flippantly, dismiss your child's emotions and make them think that what they're feeling is wrong or unimportant. Dr. Jamie Long, Psy.D, says: "Invalidation is one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse. What's scary, it can be one of the most subtle and unintentional abuses."
When your son is upset, sad, angry, or expressing emotion, avoid these responses:
- You're too sensitive.
- Boys don't cry.
- You're fine.
- Stop being a baby.
- You have no reason to be upset.
- Man up!
- Get it out of your system.
- It's not that big of a deal.
- Calm down!
- You shouldn't feel that way.
- You're taking this too personally.
- You're just tired.
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Phrases that make boys believe they are, or need to be, a certain way.
When it comes to compliments and affirmations, some that aim to praise a child can actually be damaging, as the child could grow up thinking that being smart, talented, or strong, will carry them through life effortlessly, and in turn they'll be less likely to challenge themselves. "It's imperative that we don't praise kids by telling them they're smart," Stanford University Professor Jo Boaler said of the word "smart" in particular, at an event hosted by the Atlantic in 2105.
Although it's of course OK to tell your child when they've done something great, the following blanket phrases could potentially send a message to your child that they need to be or are a certain way. This could lead to them lean on the compliments you give them rather than make mistakes and learn from them.
- You're so smart.
- You're so strong.
- You're my perfect kid!
- You're doing way better than that kid.
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Phrases that play into gender close-mindedness.
It's not often you hear a girl wearing blue be told that "blue is a boy color," but when it comes to boys and pink, people are quick to point out that it's "a girl color." However, as Rachel D. Miller, a marriage and family therapist told Fatherly, "The binary view of gender is harmful and restrictive for everyone." And this expands far beyond telling a boy that he shouldn't wear a pink shirt.
The following phrases play into gender close-mindedness, and could communicate to your son that he should be certain things simply because he's a boy (and that he's wrong if he likes a "girl thing"):
- Boys will be boys.
- Pink is a girl color.
- You throw like a girl.
- Boys don't play with dolls.
- Those are for girls.
- You're such a mama's boy.
- Big boys don't get scared.
- Boys should fight back.
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Phrases that make you seem like you don’t care about their needs.
"Let's face it. Some of our kids' traumas may seem pretty frivolous at times, especially if we're having a tough day or are in the middle of a trauma of our own," says Deborah Godfrey, certified Parent Educator. "Children lack the perspective that allows us to see how silly this will all seem a year from now. However, whatever they're feeling is very real to them."
The following phrases, whether in response to a simple ask or to a problem your child — boy or girl — is facing, deny the validity or reality of their feelings and make it seem that you don't care about their needs:
- Because I said so.
- Get over it.
- Stop asking me questions.
- Leave me alone.
- I told you this would happen.
- Just let me do it.
- You make me so mad!
- Go to your room.
- You're driving me crazy!
- Just give me a minute!