Jennifer Todryk, author of Life as a Rambling Redhead and W(H)INE: 50 Perfect Wines to Pair with Your Child's Rotten Behavior, shares this hilarious post on all the best wines to pair with your child's terrible behavior.
There is a lot of science that goes behind deciding which wine goes best with your chicken, seafood, or steak dinner, but what if I was to tell you which wine would go best with the kind of day you experienced? The data is out, and studies now show that certain wines pair up best with different parenting situations and child behavior.
The world's most renowned wine sommeliers have released this list exclusively to us at Life as a Rambling Redhead. Lucky for you, we are kind enough to share this life-changing knowledge. Parents everywhere are rejoicing.
We just want what's best for your sanity.
Listed below are the best Wine Pairings for all stages of parenthood.
Riesling pairs perfectly with an explosive poopy diaper.
If your newborn baby had an explosive bowel movement, leaving your hands literally sh*t-stained from the yellow substance we call "poop", we suggest chugging a glass of Riesling immediately. Riesling is refreshing, tends to be sweet, and has a low acidity level. You've handled enough liquid that smelled of pure acid today, so kick back and enjoy this smooth, light wine that usually possesses the smell of apples. How lovely.
Chardonnay goes great with a middle schooler's attitude adjustment.
If your middle-school child, let's call her Megan, gave you non-stop attitude today and yelled the words, "You're the worst parent ever!" or "Why can't you be cool, like Addison's mom?!" then you would most likely benefit from a good buzz. We recommend Chardonnay for your drinking pleasure this evening. Chardonnay has been described as tasting sweet like various melons and has a subtle creaminess. Subtle creaminess sounds divine. Megan's insults sound annoying.
Choose Sauvignon Blanc when you feel like the walls are caving in on you.
If you were stuck inside all day with a toddler who did nothing but throw every toy in his playroom and whined about absolutely everything, then we recommend enjoying one, possibly two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc. This wine has been said to have an earthy taste, such as bell peppers or freshly mowed grass. Drinking something that smells of fresh sod will surely help you forget the painful memories of toy trucks being hurled at your face or being bitten by a small baby beast who wants nothing more than to see you cry.
Pair a Merlot with child terrorism.
If you have multiple children, and all of them decided to act like freakin' lunatics on the same day, then you need something that goes down easily. Something easy to gulp. We suggest a Merlot. This wine is referred to as an "introducing" wine to novice wine drinkers since it is smooth and light. We are very aware that you are not new to drinking wine, but tonight is not the night to jack around with a dry wine that forces you to drink slowly. You were assaulted by multiple child terrorists today and you're still alive to complain about it. Drink up, warrior.
Pinot Noir goes well with dented or scratched vehicles.
If your teenager was involved in a minor "fender-bender" today (aka — she backed her new car into your car that was parked in the driveway), then we recommend a Pinot Noir. This wine is very delicate and fresh, unlike your daughter, whose sole purpose in life seems to be attempting to destroy all of the cars you own. The tannins in this wine are very soft, making it the opposite of bitter. Nobody needs a dry wine when their daughter is constantly participating in a real-life game of bumper cars . . . you're already bitter enough, thanks to her.
Cabernet Sauvignon pairs perfectly with poor hygiene.
If you find yourself covered in baby vomit, human waste, or toddler boogers, then you need to drink wine that will, for a brief moment, make you feel like royalty. We suggest drinking a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. This wine has been deemed the King of Red Wines. It's dark, rich and is said to be best paired with a decadent, juicy steak. When one is covered in foul bodily fluids, they do not have the time nor the desire to grill a steak. Thank goodness drinking wine does not take much effort. Forget the steak, and grab your best crystal glass to have the ultimate royal experience. And change shirts immediately. Queens and Kings don't sip wines with crusty nose goop adhered to their clothing.
If you're unable to invest in any of these suggested wine choices, there is always Boone's Farm and Franzia waiting for you at your local, disgusting 7-Eleven. There is no scientific data behind these two wines, but we are very confident that they will get the job done.
Forget about the dishes, laundry or wasting precious "me-time" on bathing. Have a glass of wine with someone special — preferably your spouse, since that special person helped you create these cute but horrible monsters that drive you to drink.
Jennifer Todryk is a full-time life coach and peace keeper to two beautiful babies and one large man-child that she has been married to for four years. Her writing has been featured on Scary Mommy and BluntMoms. For more hilarious parenting posts, check out Jennifer on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and her book, W(H)INE: 50 Perfect Wines to Pair with Your Child's Rotten Behavior, which is now available for pre-order on Amazon!