Not Kidding: 11 Weird and Gross Things That Happen to Your Body Postpartum

Updated on 8/15/2018 at 5:45 PM

The postpartum body is beautiful for many reasons, namely its strength for having just grown and nourished a human for nine months. That being said, in the hours, days, and weeks after a baby is born, your body can feel foreign and frustrating. Not only are you contending with obvious aches and oddities (soreness down there, a deflated basketball of a tummy, etc.), but a host of related symptoms you might not expect can crop up. Read on to enjoy a little comic relief about leaky boobs, postpartum bleeding, hormonal headaches, and other WTF things you may experience postbaby.

Blood. So Much Blood.

Quentin Tarantino movies have nothing on the amount of blood you will shed postpartum. Invest in pads. Many pads.

Boobs That Spray Milk E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E

Three weeks after delivering my son, when I unhook my nursing bra, milk literally sprays out like a sprinkler. Take cover!

Out-of-Control Night Sweats

The ability to wake up in a pool of your own sweat is not exactly a power one wants. And yet, there you are.

Spontaneous Anger

Hating the world is a side effect of postpartum life one can't escape. So engage with us postpartum women at your own risk, folks.

Mom Brain

Since welcoming my baby, I feel like a bobble head with breast milk for brains. I can't even finish a sentence, let alone remember what I walked into a room to do.

Severe Upper Back Pain

Warning: hunching over to change baby and carrying him around the entire day may result in acute, unrelenting upper back, shoulder, and neck pain. The only known cure is wine.

Extreme Nipple Soreness

When a baby's gums are clamped down on your nipples for at least five hours a day, it can start to feel like, well, a baby has clamped his gums down on your nips for five hours a day.

Constant Thirst

If you're breastfeeding, you'll be rabidly thirsty 24 hours a day no matter how much you drink.

Horrible Headaches

Hormones are likely to blame for nausea-inducing headaches that hit postpartum. Or is it due to lack of sleep? Or both?

Hair Loss

It's a rite of passage that your hair will start to fall out in clumps several weeks after you welcome a baby. Try not to panic. Just breathe.

Random Crap

From your feet going up a size to your hair's texture changing, there is no telling what your body will do postpartum. Be ready for anything and do your best to love the new you!