Hilarious Dad of 9 Trying to Sell His Family's Van Says It's Haunted by "the Ghost of Vomit Past"

Published on 8/1/2018 at 11:05 AM

A dad of nine from Texas is going viral for a candid Craigslist post about his family's 15-passenger van that is so funny, we're rolling like a parked car left in drive. The ad states that the 2005 Ford E350 XL going for $3,800 is in fair condition, has 143,200 miles on it, and is currently clean, but it's what the dad had to say about the adventures the family has had in the van — "in the interest of full disclosure" — that makes the ad truly hysterical.

"The van is missing a speaker in the side door. My kids have been throwing random items in the speaker hole for years. So, you may end up with some very special treasures. Or really old chicken nuggets. Probably both," the dad wrote. "We're a family of 11. Every one of our children has thrown up in this van at some point in the past decade . . . We have had the van detailed a couple times since then (shout out to Xtreme Auto Re-Styling Center for tackling a level of depravity unrivaled in the world of passenger transport). The van is clean now; but, it will probably always be inhabited by the ghost of vomit past."

He continues to cheekily outline the various issues the van has — like its sometimes lack of AC — following up with a FAQ section anticipating the questions he expected potential buyers would ask.

Q: "Have you performed all proper maintenance and religiously changed the oil every 3,000 miles?"
A: [laughter] No. No, I have not. Does this article make you feel better? It made me feel better.

Q: "Are those 143,000 miles mostly highway miles?"
A: Well, a lot of them are. However, we've been using this van as our farm van for the past year or so. Also, in efforts to find quicker routes, I've been known to disobey Siri's directions. These "shortcuts" have sometimes taken us on exotic, off-road adventures. I'm pretty sure those miles cancel out all of the so-called "highway miles."

Q: "Is the registration current?"
A: Yes! It should be noted, however, that first three letters of the current license plate are FRT. We have five boys under the age of 12 in our house. This is a very unfortunate combination.

The dad's ad is so good that it's likely the van is already sold according to an update made on July 30. "My goodness, world. Wow. Thanks so much for all of the interest! I've loved reading your many emails, responses, and commiserations," he wrote. "Solidarity, fellow parents and vomit van drivers. I do think the van is sold (surprising me and likely all of you) . . . Believe it or not, I have a waiting list to contact should the deal fall through. Amazing. My apologies if I don't respond to your inquiries in a timely manner. Again, thank you for all the wonderful responses. It's nice to know that we're not alone in our smelly, intermittently cooled world."

Check out some photos of the now-famous van, as well as more of the dad's comments about it ahead!

"One side of the van has a yellow scuff mark on it. That's courtesy of me and a battle with a yellow concrete parking divider (I did not win). The other side of the van has a matching white scuff mark. That one is courtesy of my wife. She completes me. In related news, you know how most cars these days come equipped with a fancy backup cameras? This one does not."

"My wife and I have used this van for the better part of a decade. We're a lovely couple, but we sometimes inadvertently back into inanimate objects. Also, we've been forced to take defensive driving class a few more times than the average American. That said, there are a number of other minor scratches, dents, and places where the paint is chipped on this vehicle."

"When you open the side doors, the rubber door liner is detached in some places. It still does its job, but it looks stupid."

"The automatic windows work! This is good because the air conditioner does not. Well, it sort of works and sort of doesn't. It works fine until you accelerate past ~45 miles per hour. After that, the gas pedal essentially functions as an on/off switch for the air conditioner. Accelerate = AC off. Decelerate = AC on. I don't understand why. But, then again, as you've probably gathered by now, I don't understand most things about cars."

"The windshield is cracked."

"I don't think that the front speakers work. Actually, just assume that they don't. Better yet, if you're wondering if some particular part of the van works, just assume it doesn't work in the way that Ford originally intended it to work."

"I looked the van up on Kelley Blue Book. $4,396. Unfortunately, Kelley Blue Book only allows me to choose between the following conditions: excellent, very good, good, and fair. I chose 'fair' since 'sad' was not an option. I've adjusted my asking price accordingly."

"There's a 20" TV mounted to the ceiling. It works and is connected to an in-dash DVD player. This is a handy feature as it helps distract kids from the intermittent air conditioning and smell of decaying chicken nuggets."