The 4 Types of Phrases That Will Bring Down Your Daughter's Self-Esteem

Published on 9/7/2018 at 4:25 PM

The things we say to our kids, no matter how flippant or in passing, can have lasting effects on their health. For parents of a girl, especially, there are several types of phrases that can lower your daughter's self-esteem and confidence, make her feel insecure about her body, and influence her self-worth. We all have the best intentions, but unfortunately, many of the aforementioned phrases tend to be fairly commonplace, with some parents not even realizing that they're harming their girls by uttering them.

Parents have such a huge influence on their kids and how they feel about themselves, so it's important to ensure that they know you're supportive of them no matter what, you love them for who they are, and you're available to talk honestly about anything. "Even though kids are so reliant on their peers for feedback when they're in their teens, what her parents think of her matters just as much as it ever did," Mary Rooney, PhD, told the Child Institute.

To help raise your girl with confidence, a positive body image, self-love, and the notion that she can do and be whatever she'd like, avoid the following types of potentially harmful and hurtful phrases.

Phrases that dismiss girls' emotions.

Not only does shrugging off your daughter's emotions make her think she's wrong for having feelings or that she should hide the way she's feeling, but emotional invalidation can lead to struggles in her future social and romantic relationships. According to the Journal of Family Psychology, "the experience of childhood emotional invalidation may interfere with the development of social problem-solving skills" and "may contribute to unstable self-esteem."

When your daughter is upset, sad, angry, or expressing emotion, avoid these responses (and instead, opt to listen to her fully and allow her to feel what she's feeling):

You're too sensitive.
You cry too much.
Stop complaining.
You're fine.
Stop being a baby.
You have no reason to be upset.
Get it out of your system.
You're being crazy.
It's not that big of a deal.
Calm down!
You're taking this too personally.
You're just tired.
Stop being so moody.

Phrases that negatively influence her body image.

Between magazine articles on how to get that sexy Summer bod, celebrities promoting waist trainers and lip plumpers on social media, and the constant exposure to images of "perfect" women who appear flawless, thin, and beautiful at all times, it can be hard to be a girl with a positive body image. Although it's important to impart knowledge on your daughter about what it means to be healthy and how to fuel her growing body with diet and exercise, there's a thin line between helping and hurting her confidence and vision of herself.

According to GoodTherapy, "Individuals who have what can be considered a negative or unhealthy body image tend to become preoccupied with what they feel to be bodily flaws and may have a distorted perception of physical features. They may feel uncomfortable in their own bodies; find it difficult to accept the way they look; or experience discomfort, dissatisfaction, shame, or even disgust in relation to their appearance."

The following phrases have the potential to negatively influence your daughter's body image or her relationships with food:

You're still hungry?
That'll make you fat.
You should eat something.
You shouldn't eat that.
That looks a little tight.
I was bad today and ate pizza.
You're wearing too much makeup.
She is so skinny.
You're young, so you can eat whatever you want.
You're not wearing that out!
Is that really what you're wearing to school?
I feel so fat after eating that.

Phrases that play into gender close-mindedness.

"If you walk into any [toy store], you will see very clearly how we as a society divide girls and boys and what we think each gender should be aspiring to do in the world," says Anea Bogue, the creator of REALgirl, an empowerment program for girls. "The boys' aisles are all about taking action, being heroes or warriors, and saving others. The girls' aisles are primarily pink and focus on looking 'pretty,' being princesses, or playing in the kitchen."

Whether your daughter's biggest interest of the month is searching for bugs on the sidewalk or dressing up in princess attire, allowing her to explore those interests without a cloud over her head full of gendered expectations is important.

Additionally, commenting on something that your daughter does or doesn't do in reference to the approval or disapproval of the opposite sex can be harmful; for example, telling her that something she does will influence the way boys feel about her. To avoid restricting your daughter based on gender, steer clear from phrases like these:

He's only being mean because he likes you!
Why can't you be more like your sister?
You throw like a girl.
That's not very ladylike.
Girls don't behave that way.
You're so pretty!
Those are for boys.
You're going to scare all the boys away if you do that.

Phrases that make you seem like you don’t care about their needs.

"Let's face it. Some of our kids' traumas may seem pretty frivolous at times, especially if we're having a tough day or are in the middle of a trauma of our own," says Deborah Godfrey, certified parent educator. "Children lack the perspective that allows us to see how silly this will all seem a year from now. However, whatever they're feeling is very real to them."

The following phrases, whether in response to a simple ask or to a problem your child — boy or girl — is facing, deny the validity or reality of their feelings and make it seem that you don't care about their needs:

Because I said so.
Get over it.
Stop asking me questions.
Leave me alone.
I told you this would happen.
Just let me do it.
You make me so mad!
Go to your room.
You're driving me crazy!
Just give me a minute!