15 Negative Things You're Guilty of Saying to Your Child

This super common phrase is something most parents are guilty of saying, but that doesn't make it right," Dr. Lapointe said. "It's always better to explain your reasoning so that children can learn from your rules. It may take more time to explain something, but they'll be better for it."

She also warns that saying this phrase with anger and a harsh tone can be problematic: "When you're trying to derive power from your role as parent, rather than from your relationship with your child, that's when the power source flips to the negative, so the internalized message with the negative side of this is 'you aren't worth my care and consideration.'"

Besides the likelihood that this threat is empty, negative reinforcement only validates the action since it gives the child the attention they want. Leading with positive reinforcement, and validating their good behavior instead, will get better results. "With a consequence, your child doesn't learn to listen," Dr. Lapointe pointed out. "Their impulse control center is not developed enough for that. Of course, they'll continue with what really appeals to them. Instead, they learn that they're punished for being who they are. In my book, Discipline Without Damage, I talk about how consequences break the connection, and further, that connection is essential to healthy growth and development."

Phrases like this push the blame on to the other parent, and it tells your child that you're not parenting as a team. Be a unified front by saying "we said no."

Even though they may have been brave going to the bathroom in the middle of the night a hundred times before, they might get scared all over again. It may be frustrating for you, but it's literally terrifying for them. Don't dismiss their fears, and instead try to help them through it.

While this may be true, this isn't a great way to express frustration. "Children are not here to [take care] of adult emotions. That flips the essential hierarchy of a healthy parent-child relationship upside down. And this is a terrible burden to place on a child," Dr. Lapointe said. Besides the fact that "pissed off" might get repeated by them at school or around other children, the real problem is that when expressing anger, parents should mimic the language they expect their child to use. Just like we tell them to use their words, it's better for adults to say that they're angry or mad, and explain why in a calm and controlled way.

"Two big problems here. The first is that it throws the other parent under the bus and creates a dynamic of challenge down the road in terms of who the child sees as capable and in charge," Dr. Lapointe said. "Why would you ever want to do that to a child? It's a horrible experience for them to have to think that one or the other of their parents doesn't have it going on. The second is that there is an air of frustration about this, which certainly has your child questioning your own competence as a 'big person,' and again, you don't have time or patience for your child's feelings in this."

It's great that parents feel pride for their kids, but statements like this don't address what it is that they did well, and it makes the child feel like they're responsible for their parent's happiness or that they need to do something in order to earn love. "Sometimes kids can hear this as they need to perform to receive your love," Dr. Lapointe explained. "That, indeed, is the problem with praise in general. When a child attaches their sense of worth to whether or not they please you with their actions, they're doomed to failure." Instead, use phrases like, "I see that you shared your toys with that younger child. It's good to be kind."

The threat of another parent can do lasting damage. Children should feel comfortable and loved equally by both, and the fear that one parent is going to go off on them can make them forever consider that other parent as something to be worried about.

"Whenever there are threats or the inducement of fear in a parenting dynamic, we have a problem," Dr. Lapointetolds POPSUGAR. "Children are not meant to exist in an environment of fear. They're meant to marinate in the safety of love. It also suggests that you're not in charge enough to manage this. What kind of a parent can't pony up and take control of a situation and has to defer to the threat of another parent's response? The kind of parent who really shouldn't be counted on."

"This suggests to the child that they're incompetent and that you don't have the patience to allow them to wrestle with it and find their way," Dr. Lapointe stressed. "If they never get to figure things out on their own, how will they ever develop skill and capacity?" Whether it's as simple as opening something for them or taking control of a school project, children need to learn how to do things for themselves and that it's OK to fail. In failure, children learn, grow, and get to try again.

Definitely my personal most-used negative phrase: bribing children to finish a task with the reward of something sweet. This, however, sends the message that dinner isn't to be enjoyed. Healthy treats like vegetables and proteins are the real winner here.

Even though we all feel a little bloated some times, telling children about your own body insecurities could make them feel like they also have to be concerned, or worse, that their bodies are also something to be ashamed of. Instead, use phrases like, "I'm not feeling my best today."

"This is dripping with impatience. Children need patience from their big people, and lots of it, so they feel safe in finding their way and really, in just existing," Dr. Lapointe outlined. When I'm running around the kitchen trying to get dinner on the table before my lovely toddler suddenly turns into a raging hungry-monster, I can forget to use more carefully selected words. Even a simple, "Excuse me, please," can help teach them manners, and let them know they're worth our energy and love. Additionally, consider suggesting that they play elsewhere, with phrases like, "Can you go to your art easel and draw me a picture of a dinosaur?" or, "Please help set the table."

Not all strangers should be avoided, and kids should learn the difference early on. While they should always be cautious, police officers, teachers, and doctors are people they should be able to trust.

Phrases like this make the child feel like they're not smart and focuses on the problem rather than offering a solution. "If your child could form thought and language around their experience of hearing you say this, their response would be, 'Exactly, how many times have you told me? And I just can't get it. So what is wrong with you, mom/dad, that you continue to bark at me about this?!'" Dr. Lapointe said.

Every parent gets busy sometimes, but blanket statements like this make the child feel like they're not worthy of your time. "Sometimes, reality is that children have to wait because life is happening and parents have other responsibilities. However, when this is the enduring message the child receives, that's a problem," Dr. Lapointe said. "Life is also happening for your child, and these little moments of connection could signify big growth for them." Instead, see if there are ways for them to help you, or at least be direct about what you're doing that requires privacy.