When President Donald Trump [1] sits down to chat on cable news, he doesn't just give an interview — he almost always gives an absolutely sprawling half-hour appearance. On April 26, he called in to his favorite morning show, Fox News' Fox & Friends, to clear the air on policies, chat about recent events, and inevitably, wind up somewhat like a grandfather rambling before an awkward family meal.

It all started innocently enough as the show's hosts — Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt, and Brian Kilmeade — and Trump exchanged thoughts on the appearance taking place on First Lady Melania Trump [2]'s birthday. Trump explained he is "very busy" — too busy, in fact, to get her a gift . . . but he did get her a "beautiful card" and loved her work on the France visit, a visit he noted as being very successful (which apparently resulted in President Emmanuel Macron looking at the Iran Deal [3] quite differently).

Then things rolled toward a downward slope. Trump began to tap into his "very cool [4]" "dragon energy [5]" to address specific policies and happenings. Triggered by the mention of Ronny Jackson's withdrawal from the nomination to lead Veterans Affairs [6], Trump described the VA as a "big monster," emphasizing Jackson had been auditioning for a role the president himself would never do [7]. To be clear, Jackson's withdrawal came as the result of allegations that he crashed a government vehicle while drunk driving, but Trump used time on the morning show to emphasize that Jackson still would have been great for the job based on their own patient-doctor relationship, Jackson having a son at Annapolis, and Jackson's generally "unblemished," "beautiful record." Trump mentioned he does have a new idea for the next nominee, but would not reveal the name.

After Jackson, the topics shifted to more incendiary subjects like James Comey [8] ("Comey is a leaker and a liar . . . He's been leaking for years."), the salacious Russian memos [9] ("They're phony memos . . . For instance, I went to Russia for a day or so — a day or two — because I own the Miss Universe pageant."), the Justice Department ("They have a witch hunt against the President of the United States."), his tenure as president ("We have accomplished more than any president in the first year."), Kanye West [10] ("He's smart."), the black community's political identification ("Republicans really did 'the thing.'" "The thing" Trump referred to is slavery.), Shania Twain [11] ("She made a mistake."), Candace Owens ("She's fantastic."), the election ("We won it easily."), North Korea ("It was very nasty with little rocket man."), and — of course – the "dishonest" news ("Fox . . . you don't always treat me great but you treat me fairly.").

Naturally, there was also some talk about the "crazy Stormy Daniels [12] deal" and Trump lawyer Michael Cohen, a "good guy" who was the recent target of an FBI raid [13] related to paying persons to keep silent on the president's extramarital affairs [14]. "From what I see, he did absolutely nothing wrong," Trump said, prompting host Ainsley Earhardt to ask why Cohen is then pleading the fifth [15]. "Because he's got other things," Trump insisted. "His lawyers probably told him to do that. But I'm not involved . . . and I've been told I'm not involved!"

As the interview drew to a (loud) close, Trump took on — or was given — several uninterrupted minutes to prattle on and on and on about all the aforementioned subjects, rolling to one Trump-tastic grand finale: the grade he would give himself for his performance as president thus far. "I would give myself an A+," he proclaimed. "Nobody has done what I've been able to do."