How Our Transgender Family Is Taking a Compassionate Stand Against Trump's Policies

"Transgender people are not in God's plan," said a naysayer on Facebook, shaming me for writing a memoir about my personal growth when my husband of 12 years transitioned genders from male to female.

"I'll be honest; it wasn't part of my plan, either," I replied. About 0.6 percent of US adults are transgender, and as a happy wife 13 years ago, I argued all the reasons why my husband couldn't be a woman. The nature of the matter was against me.

In his book The Psychobiology of Transsexualism and Transgenderism, Thomas E. Bevan cites "evidence for the biological basis [of transgenderism] currently spread across some 22 scientific disciplines," including physiological differences observed in the brains of transgender people that match them more closely to those in the sex/gender they identify with than the sex they were assigned to (by a doctor based on external genitalia) at birth.

Transgenderism in people, fish, snakes and other animals shows up across the world and in history as far back as the stone age. Turns out that I was not allowed to change this natural flow just because I wanted my husband and the father of my children to remain a man. In the end, I took my husbands word for it: She was a woman.

With the help of Compassionate Communication (aka Nonviolent Communication), we adjusted and redefined our family structure. My former husband is now my parenting partner with her own wing of the house. We continue to parent and share meals under one roof while maintaining privacy enough to each have our own romantic relationships if we want to. My sweetheart of almost three years lives with us in my part of our home, and our two teenage sons now have three parental figures at their soccer games and school events. They learn building from their "Maddy" (mother-daddy), cooking from my partner Richard, and communication skills from me. We think it's a pretty well-rounded home to raise kids in.

Not everyone agrees. Our family's peace and harmony is now under siege again, this time from the outside. As if it isn't challenging enough to shift a family's identity when one member transitions across gender lines, countless families are now at risk as fear mounts while the Trump administration rolls back policies that protected our basic rights.

First, it denies the humanity of our vulnerable transgender population and makes them a target for violence, as children or possibly in front of their children. Remember: we all need to use the toilet. The 2015 US Transgender survey noted that 12 percent of transgender people had been harassed, one percent physically attacked,, and one percent sexually assaulted in a bathroom. (Incidentally, there is no documented case of a transgender person perpetrating such an attack.) More than half of transgender people reported avoiding public restrooms altogether, a third limited their food and drink so it's easier to hold their bladder, and eight percent experienced a UTI/kidney infection accordingly within the year. We use public bathrooms at work, at school, in the community, and at rest areas while driving. When we subject people to passive violence by denying basic rights and recognition of their humanity, it opens the door to active violence as well. Not surprisingly, five transgender people have been murdered in the past eight weeks. Sons, daughters, and would-be parents.

Marginalizing the trans population isolates them from their families and communities, raising suicide rates. As state legislation forces transgender people to use bathrooms that are inappropriate, uncomfortable, and unsafe for them to use, the message is clear: live according to the gender binary (though nature does not) or don't come out in public. The problem with the first part of that message is that being transgender is not a choice. The poison in the second half is a blatant disregard for human rights and a lack of acceptance of diversity, further isolating transgender people from the perceived social norm within families and communities. According to the 2015 report, 40 percent of transgender people surveyed had attempted suicide. That's nearly nine times the attempted suicide rate among the US population, which is 4.6 percent. Are we ready as a nation to share the burden of this responsibility?

Toilets are just the beginning. The intention to pass a "Freedom of Religion" order would give (some) Christians the "freedom" to deny transgender and other marginalized people rights to housing, food, and other basic needs. My parenting partner is the primary income earner for our family. When she is denied basic rights, the suffering is compounded to include our two teenage sons and me.

Our family is better situated than most. People do what they see their neighbors doing, and our home in Eugene, OR, is a pretty accepting place. While Trump's repeal of Obama's supportive transgender policy sparks fear and questioning in populations that are undereducated about the transgender plight, our family is spreading compassion, education, and acceptance of transgender people and their families in our community.

When our family began transition 13 years ago, I had no such context for the change. Few people shared their experiences about having a partner in gender transition, and stories were rarely positive. I had to learn on my own how to manage confusion and fear when inviting our toddler playgroup over, my husband for the first time in a dress.

Now, I am using the tools of compassionate communication to listen to people in our community worldwide. I translate judgments by guessing at others' feelings and what might have prompted their behavior or a comment they made. I bring a focused presence, curiosity, and intention to connect when I reach out to them with a listening ear, and I express myself in "I" language rather than taking a tone of judgment.

The other morning, I saw a comment on an article about the murder of Chyna Doll Dupree that questioned whether transgender men are also murdered. Several trans advocates chided the asker for being ignorant and many hurled insults. I felt sad when I saw that. I was once uninformed and disbelieving myself. Hate and ignorance are more likely to be dismantled if met with love and understanding.

When our unconventional family builds bridges to those who oppose to our very being, our being itself cannot be denied. We are here, loving and trying to educate. Any and all may join us in that. At the end of a conversation with those whose views conflict with my own, after listening, then sharing what I know and why I chose this path of acceptance and love, I wish my naysayers and their families well. However the conversation started, they usually thank me in the end.

Kristin K. Collier is an educator and writer from Eugene, OR and author of Housewife: Home-Remaking in a Transgender Marriage published in November, 2016. She has been teaching Compassionate Communication since 2004. Her words have appeared in The Sun magazine, and her poetry is a frontispiece for Michael and Kathleen O'Neal Gear's People of the Sea. Housewife: Home-remaking in a Transgender Marriage is available on Amazon and at all major bookstores. For more information, please visit www.kristinkcollier.com and connect on Facebook and Twitter.