For as long as I can remember, I wanted a dog. When I was a kid, I would ask Santa for one for Christmas [1] every single year, and every year when a beautiful and fluffy little pup [2] wasn't left under my tree, my heart would sink. My parents always told us they would feel too guilty getting a dog when nobody was home during the day to take care of it, which, now that I'm older, I get, but still, way to rob me of my childhood dream, guys. So when I grew up, got married [3], and got a place of my own, the first thing on my to-do list was to get a dog.
Long story short, Oprah Winfrey — a Pug, Chihuahua, and Beagle mix [4] that we adopted earlier this year — is the absolute love of my life. We don't have kids yet, but I imagine the way my heart has exploded over the past few months [5] since we met her is a nice little preview of what's to come when we make a few humans. But for now, our dog is our baby, and I treat her like one. So much so that a lot of what I do with her is slightly embarrassing. I always joke that I hope nobody ever sees me doing these things with my dog, so please tell me I'm not alone?
Hold Her Like a Newborn Baby
Yes, I hold my dog like a brand-new baby that's delicate and perfect. When I hold her, I support her head, gently rub her face, kiss her, rock her back and forth, and talk to her in a baby voice that I am 100 percent not proud of. But will I ever stop? No.
Refer to Myself as "Mom"
I am her mother. When she's tired, scared, anxious, and happy, you'll probably hear me say, "Mommy's here." Don't worry — I judge myself.
Let Her Have Full Reign of the Bed
It would be embarrassing if anyone could see our nighttime routine. Where I sleep on the bed is entirely up to her, because when she falls asleep, she's too damn precious to disturb. She loves sleeping in between my legs or in the curve of my back. Does it wake me up multiple times a night? Yes. But do I want to openly weep every time she tries to get her little body as close to mine as possible? Yes.
Give Her Extensive Massages
Girl loves her massages, so you better believe I give them to her daily. Does it matter that my hand gets tired or that I'm also trying to answer emails at the same time? Not one bit. SHE DESERVES IT.
Make Her Self-Care Routine a Top Priority
Sure, I would love to take a long, hot bath at the end of a hard day, but I put her self-care routine ahead of my own. I don't hunker down for the night until I know she's taken care of and totally relaxed, and if that means she wants to stay in the warm water until past my bedtime, who am I to rob this beautiful creature of that happiness?
Dance With Her
While she loves a good pop song to shake her tail to, there's nothing like picking your pup up for a slow dance (and yes, I hold her one paw). We glide around the living room, and I regret nothing.
Have Full-Blown Conversations With Her
My husband catches me having full-blown, in-depth conversations with our dog all the time. Sometimes I ask her questions ("You do know she won't answer you, right?"), sometimes I tell her stories, and sometimes I just tell her how much I appreciate the fact that she'll never let me down or annoy me because everyone else does. She knows what I'm saying.
Dress Her Up in Adorable and Embarrassing Outfits
She has a Halloween [7] costume, a football cheerleader uniform, and a few t-shirts. But besides the typical outfits many dog owners have, I may or may not have wrapped a white paper towel around her head in a dome the other day while watching The Handmaid's Tale [8] and said, "Under his eye." She probably hates me.
Get Emotional at Work While Thinking About Her at Home
All it takes is me thinking about one twitch she had yesterday while she was sleeping or one sneeze she let out on the couch and I will either smile like a fool or tear up at my desk. I miss her so much during the day.
Play Games With Her
We've played hide and seek more times than I care to admit. And yes, I count out loud and say, "You found me!" when she excitedly tracks down my scent.
Do Serious Photo Shoots With Her
Dear Apple: I need more storage space.
Encourage Her Unhealthy Attachment to Me
She cries whenever I leave the room. She prefers me over my husband. She relaxes when I pick her up. I have to be in her line of vision at all times. Should I probably curtail some of this behavior to encourage her to be more independent? Probably. But do I secretly love it and want her to love only me? Yes.
Literally Run Home From Work to See Her
I have physically rushed home from work so many times just to get to her. RIP to that one shoe I ruined when I tripped. Worth it.
Use Any Occasion to Spoil Her
Her adoption anniversary? The first time she went a whole week without pooping on the floor? When she made a new friend at the dog park? When she looked up at me with a snaggletooth so it looked like she was drunkenly smiling? GET A CAKE!