POPSUGAR Relationships

The Friendships Formed By K-Pop Freebie Swaps

Jenny Jin — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 06:10:03 -0700

Hours before BTS kicked off the first night of their Permission to Dance on Stage concert series in Los Angeles, fans had already turned the space outside SoFi Stadium into a celebration. Every few feet, people stopped each other to compliment outfits and hand out "freebies": glossy photocards tucked into plastic sleeves, commemorative pins, and beaded bracelets strung with song titles and members' names. The generous exchange of gifts between fans made the venue feel less like a never-ending line and more like summer camp.

This was back in 2021. I had only been living in Los Angeles for a few months. Newly single and having moved across the country during the pandemic, I was trying to rebuild a routine and find community.

Showing up to my first BTS concert on my own, I was nervous and a little overwhelmed by the crowds, but I never felt lonely.

Somewhere in one of the winding merch lines, a Korean fan standing behind me started explaining the difference between the two versions of the ARMY Bomb - the official light stick used at BTS shows - being sold at the booth. One of them, she warned me seriously, was much harder to find. As the line shuffled forward, we talked about how we got into BTS and shared our favorite performances. After learning I was Jungkook-biased, she reached into her bag and handed me a custom photocard she printed just to give out at the concert.

The interaction lasted maybe 20 minutes, but I still remember how effortlessly the conversation unfolded; it was the kind of easy, unguarded connection that came naturally when we were kids in school but has become increasingly harder to find as adults. At K-pop concerts, moments like these happen constantly, and many of them are facilitated by swapping freebies.

Courtesy of Antigone Lambros.

After that first BTS show, I started noticing just how much the K-Pop experience revolves around freebies - a term that feels reductive given the thought and care that's put into these gifts. Some fans spend months preparing them in advance, even when there aren't any upcoming shows on the horizon.

"My sister and I started making freebies right around when the BTS members started to enlist in the military. This was way before any tour dates were ever announced, but we wanted to be ready," says Antigone Lambros, an ARMY from Montana. "It sort of became a joke in our family because we'd bring cans of beads with us everywhere we went. We'd even bring them with us on vacations, stringing together beads on planes, which made my dad nervous because he was afraid they'd spill if there was any turbulence."

"At this point, we've made hundreds of bracelets, which might sound excessive, but we want to be able to give them to as many people as we can," Lambros says.

This is one of the defining qualities of K-Pop fans: generosity, often expressed through the making and exchanging of freebies. Fans will spend countless hours and small fortunes creating gifts without expecting anything in return.

"Making freebies adds so much to the concert experience," says Yvette Gatdula, whose first project was a resin bracelet filled with confetti streamers that fell from the stage during BTS's "Permission to Dance" show in Las Vegas. "I grabbed enough confetti to fill a gallon-sized Ziploc bag. At first, I had no idea what I would do with it all. I just knew I wanted to make and share something that would somehow preserve the joy I felt that night."

This sentiment is echoed by Alisa Yeon, an ARMY from New Jersey who creates customized concert tickets as special memorabilia to give out at every show she attends. "It's so much fun to think that someone might be able to look back at this thing I made and remember the good memories of the concert," she says.

Part of what makes freebie culture feel so distinct is how quickly it collapses the usual social constructs we follow. As adults, interacting with people you don't know can feel awkward, so we often bypass it altogether. People avoid eye contact on public transit. We keep conversations short in grocery store lines. After years of being chronically on our phones, many of us have grown even more accustomed to moving through public spaces shut off from one another.

At K-Pop concerts, that distance seems to dissolve almost immediately. The usual discomfort of talking to strangers gets replaced by an unspoken understanding that everyone is there for the same reason: they love the same music, the same artists, the same intimate constellation of references and inside jokes that might sound unintelligible to anyone else. A freebie offers an invitation into that conversation.

Some of the easiest conversations I've had as an adult have happened through these exchanges. Maybe it's because being in a fandom accelerates familiarity. Within minutes of meeting someone, it's not uncommon to discuss deeply personal things, like the song that got you through a breakup, the album you listened to during the pandemic lockdowns, the member who makes you feel understood in ways that are difficult to explain outside these spaces.

Freebie culture feels like a whimsical act of resistance against the kind of loneliness fostered by modern life. For a few hours outside a concert venue, people allow themselves to be unusually open with one another. They compliment each other without hesitation. They share chargers, snacks, and sunscreen. They hold places in line for people they met just 15 minutes prior. Oftentimes, these warm interactions are just passing moments that disappear once the concert ends. Sometimes, they turn into friendships that continue long after the confetti clears.

"I made a good friend through swapping freebies at a BTS concert in 2022," says Thalia Lambros, a fan (and Antigone's fellow bracelet-making sister). "After the show, I still had more freebies left over so I started giving them out to people while we all waited for our taxis to arrive. I gave one girl a photocard, and as we were talking, 'Butter' started playing loudly nearby. We both knew the choreography to it, so we started dancing together."

In the four years since meeting, the two kept in touch through regular texting, FaceTiming and even having virtual BTS listening parties. They're reuniting in person at another show this fall.

Though exchanging freebies may have originated at concerts, it's since extended beyond stadiums to fan meetups at cafes, movie theater screenings of shows, and everyday life.

Years ago, I was rushing to a work event I was already late for in Koreatown, Los Angeles - a neighborhood where parking is notoriously hard to come by. After circling the block several times with no luck, I finally spotted a young woman walking towards her car.

"Are you leaving?" I asked, lowering my window.

She nodded, and I quickly pulled into her spot.

It would have been a forgettable interaction had it not been for the BT21 figurine she noticed sitting on my dashboard.

When I returned to my car hours later, I found a note tucked under my windshield wiper, taped to a photocard. "I saw the Tata figure on your dashboard and was so happy that my parking spot went to fellow ARMY," it read. Years later, I still keep her note inside my center console, even though the purple ink has started to fade.

PS Photography / Jenny Jin

One of the hardest things to explain to people outside K-pop culture is how a sense of community can emerge in such unexpected ways between strangers - and how, sometimes, those passing interactions can lead to life-changing friendships. At the very least, even a fleeting encounter can remind you of the warmth and generosity people are capable of.

In 2021, I went to BTS's "Permission to Dance" concert alone at a time when almost every part of my life felt unsettled. I left the stadium that night with a bag full of handmade gifts and the comforting realization that connection can form in the smallest of exchanges. From a fan lending me a phone charger in line to another pressing a photocard into my hand simply because they wanted me to feel included, these acts of kindness gave me a sense of belonging when I needed it most.

Jenny Jin is a Los Angeles- and Seoul-based journalist who translates Korean culture for a global audience. Her work has appeared in ELLE, Harper's Bazaar, Allure, Refinery29, Travel + Leisure, Forbes, BuzzFeed, and the Netflix documentary "K for Kimbap."

Are Couples' Dietitians the New Marriage Therapists?

Emma Glassman-Hughes — Wed, 01 Jul 2026 06:00:03 -0700

Jen Ziel was a lifelong vegetarian before she started dating a meat-eater. Her boyfriend at the time never expressed an issue with her diet, and never asked her to change, but she felt a deep urge to make the transition. "It was this thinking, like, I'm really into you and I wanna eat like you," she recalls now. There was a part of her that felt the dietary differences put up a wall between them - distance she couldn't stand to maintain as she was falling in love. The two aren't together anymore, but she's been an omnivore ever since.

In the swell of a budding romance, eating and sharing food is a chronically overlooked building block of intimacy. Culturally we tend to fixate on big romantic gestures or sexual chemistry, but the most mundane act of all - sharing a meal together - does more to bond us than we may realize.

"The first sharing of any [romantic] relationship is usually some sort of meal or food," registered dietitian Marjorie Nolan Cohn tells Popsugar. Going out to dinner was the most popular first date activity among consumers polled in 2022. "Food is inherently emotional, it's how we bond, it's how we connect."

While Ziel's ex partner didn't pressure her to drop vegetarianism, some omnivores do have a hard time dating vegetarians or vegans, and vice versa. The same could be said for a lover of peanut butter dating someone with a nut allergy, or someone who keeps Kosher getting involved with a secular person. Nolan Cohn says that while it might get brushed off as plain stubbornness, it's not uncommon for people to genuinely struggle with the idea of a mismatch in their culinary preferences with partners.

Experts Featured in This Article

Marjorie Nolan Cohn, MS, RD, LDN, CEDRD-S, is the clinical director at Berry Street, a network of independent dietitians.

Vegan and vegetarian dating app Veggly surveyed its users in 2023 and found less than half would date a committed meat-eater, while 85 percent would date an omnivore who's "willing to transition to a plant-based diet but may need some help at the start." The very fact that there are vegan and vegetarian dating apps says a lot about the role of food preference in romantic relationships.

It can be dysregulating if your partner doesn't like or can't eat the same things you do, especially if you grew up in a culture or home environment where food was the gateway to connection. Nolan Cohn has had to navigate this discrepancy in her own life, because of her husband's severe IBS and dietary restrictions. She's learned to restructure that part of her day so that she can keep her husband healthy and safe but also feel like she's getting what she needs - not just nutritionally but emotionally.

When they eat together at home, Nolan Cohn and her husband will often cook a mild base meal that they can share and then prepare separate toppings for it, because he can't tolerate the seasonings she likes. For a lot of people, the emotion isn't always tied to specific foods, but to the experience surrounding them. "It's about spending time together" more than eating the exact same thing, Nolan Cohn explains.

"We think, 'Oh it's dinner time we need to eat the same meal,' because that's the traditional operating system we're on. But it is so normal for [my husband and me] to be eating different things now because it's more about being together," Nolan Cohn adds.

In her work as a dietitian, Nolan Cohn sees "a lot" of couples who come for therapy. "Understanding the other person's dietary needs in a more deep way, like how can we prepare a meal together that meets both of our needs, all of that will have an impact on intimacy," she says.

It might seem counterintuitive, but in her own marriage, Nolan Cohn saves her favorite foods for times she and her husband aren't together. "I'm showing my husband love by going out with my friends and enjoying Mexican food and all these other things I can't do with him," she says.

For those who equate food with love and nurturing - a very natural association - it might be painful to make that compromise. "If I wasn't a dietitian and knew how to navigate this process, it absolutely could have had a negative impact on our relationship," she says.

Anecdotally, Nolan Cohn says more couples are seeking medical nutrition therapy than she's ever seen - though plenty of people still aren't aware that it's an option for themselves as individuals, let alone their romantic partners. Most couples she sees are in the midst of a more serious medical complication, have just received a new allergy diagnosis, or are receiving treatment for eating disorders.

"Dietitians are like the new marriage therapists."

But couples nutrition therapy could be for anyone wanting to deepen their appreciation for their loved ones' eating habits, even if there's nothing medically "wrong." "We see this a lot at Berry Street, the intimacy that is built through the counseling process of learning about each other's food preferences and needs," she says. "More and more couples are coming in just for general wellness. Dietitians are like the new marriage therapists, there's so much overlap."

Couples sessions provide a space to assign the science to certain dietary preferences and needs, yes, but they are also about finding common ground, Nolan Cohn says. "You may not like tomatoes but will it bother you to even see a partner eat a tomato? You don't have to share preferences, but you have to share mutual respect."

Ziel's diet transformation for her then-partner is likely a more extreme approach than most are willing to take, but it captures the depth of emotion baked into meal time: I love you, so I want to eat like you. Some of the most underrated romantic gestures involve food - like trying something you previously thought you didn't like because it's your partner's favorite, or remembering to pick up a couple extra treats for them at the grocery store.

It's not always possible or practical to eat the same exact stuff as your partner, but sometimes, just taking the space to acknowledge the emotion behind certain foods goes a long way in deepening connection. "Navigating nutrition together is intimacy at its core," Nolan Cohn says. "Sharing food is a sixth love language if you think about it."

Emma Glassman-Hughes (she/her) is a former associate editor at PS Balance. In her seven years as a reporter, her beats have spanned the lifestyle spectrum; she's covered arts and culture for The Boston Globe, sex and relationships for Cosmopolitan, and food, climate, and farming for Ambrook Research.

A Case For Forgiving People, Even When They Don't Deserve It

Taylor Andrews — Fri, 01 May 2026 12:30:03 -0700

I love a good grudge. Mess with me one time, and I will remember it forever. Is it my most redeeming quality? No. But is it a flex that I can recall the exact moment someone made me cry seven years ago? Yes.

When it comes to the end of a relationship or a friend breakup, I've never been one to forgive. Once someone has treated me poorly, they're out of my life completely - no closure, no final conversation, no second chances. I'm just done. Sure, this may seem a little extreme, but it's my way of protecting my peace. Don't therapists and TikTok influencers preach boundaries and self-respect?

Then, I met my fiancé, and I realized my inability to forgive might actually be a problem. With me, he leads with patience and kindness. When I leave the bathroom a mess, he doesn't make it a thing (even when it takes me an entire week to clean it up). When I forget to turn the lights off, he simply turns them off himself and moves on with his day.

Meanwhile, I don't exactly offer him that same grace. Because when he forgets to ask for my extra sauce at a drive-thru, for example, it will completely ruin my mood for the rest of the day. How could I forgive someone for forgetting to pick up extra ranch?

As much as I love holding a grudge, it might actually feel better not carrying the weight of one.

According to a recent study conducted by NPJ Mental Health Research, people who forgive more frequently may actually be happier. "The general tendency to forgive others is linked to small but broad improvements in a person's overall well-being," the study stated.

When I first read that, I thought it was honestly annoying. (Everyone knows holding a grudge builds character.) But the more I sat with it, the more I began to realize there's some merit to this whole forgiveness thing. Because if I'm being honest, my "no forgiveness" policy isn't working as well as I want it to.

Yes, I cut people off. And yes, I move on. But I don't really let things go. And forgiveness isn't just about letting someone off the hook for their actions, it can be about letting yourself move on from their actions, too.

I think that's where I've been getting forgiveness wrong: I've treated it like it's something you do for other people. But really, forgiving people is just as beneficial for your own conscience and sanity, too. It's a decision to not drag something out longer than it needs to be or to not assign deeper meaning to every little mistake. Sometimes a mistake is really just that: a mistake.

So now, when my fiancé forgets the extra ranch, I move on and eat the (dry) chicken nuggets without making him feel bad for it. And instead of turning it into a big event that escalates to a fight or not talking all day, I accept the outcome that he simply forgot the ranch. A human mistake! But even on a larger scale, I've learned that forgiving the harder, bigger things is worth it, too.

As someone who plays competitive beach volleyball, I've definitely held onto grudges against people who were extra chippy on the court or had poor sportsmanship. But recently, I decided to let those go - and I have even befriended a few of those same people. Before I was on my forgiveness journey, I'd continue to talk poorly about those players and let them live in my mind rent-free, often dreading the moments when I had to play against them again. But now, I've learned to forgive and let it go.

No, I'm not necessarily going up to these people and telling them, "I forgive you!" because, for what it's worth, they may not even be sorry for their actions. But by telling myself that these people are just competitive and need an outlet for pent-up frustration, it's allowed me to look at them with more empathy than distaste. (See? Progress!)

Now, to be clear, I don't think it's wrong to cut toxic people out of my life, especially for reasons like cheating, lying, or disrespecting. But maybe there's even a case for forgiving those people too - not because I want to excuse their behavior or make it seem like they didn't hurt me, but because the forgiveness at that point is as important for me as it is for them. As much as I love holding a grudge, it might actually feel better not carrying the weight of one.

Taylor Andrews is the senior balance editor at Popsugar, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With eight years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.

Rachel Sennott and Jordan Firstman on Friendship, Chaos, and Dinner Parties

Lena Felton — Wed, 29 Apr 2026 05:00:02 -0700

If you've ever witnessed Rachel Sennott and Jordan Firstman's friendship antics - either via Instagram dumps, their fictional roles on HBO's "I Love LA," or in their series of films for Venmo - then you know their bond is a swirl of irreverent humor and playful chaos and earnest love.

The duo met on a blind friend date through their mutual friend, Ayo Edebiri ("who has a small following, I would say; she's on some indie show called 'The Bear,'" Firstman jokes), and did dinner and karaoke together.

"Ayo and I were singing a big song - I think it was 'Wuthering Heights' - and right before the chorus, Rachel accidentally turned on her song, which was next," Firstman recounts. "And I got half-real-mad, half-fake-mad, and Rachel basically started crying because she felt so bad. And that was the first time I was super endeared to her."

Art, as it turns out, imitates life. On "I Love LA," an show Sennott created, writes, and stars in, Sennott and Firstman play Maia and Charlie, a duo trying to make their way in the world of managing and styling Hollywood influencers and celebrities.

Most recently, the duo worked on three Venmo short films with each other, cowriting a series that stars them as, surprise, the real-life BFFs that they are. The latest film just dropped, and in it, the duo is sipping on smoothies while they argue about Sennott stealing Firstman's "thing," the Venmo Stash reward, before ultimately making up.

To celebrate the iconic duo's latest collaboration, we sat in on a conversation about their unique friendship, their ideal dinner party, and more. Keep reading below.

Jordan Firstman: What is something about me that you've learned during our friendship that surprises you the most?

Rachel Sennott: I was actually texting you about this. This is something you've taught me, and it wasn't necessarily something I didn't expect of you, but you taught me that you can have fun and enjoy life and also be one of the hardest-working people.

You're one of my favorite artists, you're one of the hardest-working people I have ever met, and you are the most fun person to go on a trip with, to spend time with, to go out to dinner with.

In my mind, I always felt like those things had to be separate, and you taught me that you can do both - and that living your life fuels your art. I'm grateful for that.

JF: Don't make me cry on camera.

RS: Oh - we're off camera, so you can do a silent cry. . . . OK, and what do you think is the most chaotic part of our friendship?

JF: I think I'm going to kind of reframe the question a little bit, because I feel like we actually are each other's comfort person in our chaos. I feel like the chaos is happening all around us, and when I look at you at an event, I just know I'm safe. And I feel like we clock the exact same things in everyone, and we can get together at the end of the night and be like, "This person was insane. This person . . ." Like, we just - we know who hates us, we know who loves us. It's a very tricky industry and town to navigate, and I feel like we are honest with each other and ground each other in the midst of all the chaos.

RS: Yes. I love that answer. I was going to say scheduling is the most chaotic part. We finally got dinner last night on the books with our very close friends - Jared [Ellner], Owen [Thiele] - and it's like we hadn't had one in months, like five months.

But to get it scheduled, that's chaotic. But I like your answer.

JF: And for me, the best part of that dinner was looking at you and then paying with my Venmo debit card.

RS: That's true. . . . Seeing you was great, catching up was great - but whipping out that Venmo debit card? It just hits different.

JF: It just hits different. . . . So if we were planning on cohosting a dinner party together, who are we inviting?

RS: Our two friends - well, Jared and Owen. We would invite the cast . . . I mean, it depends on how big of a dinner party. If we're going small, we just do our dinner from last night - Sam, Sebastian, Blake.

JF: But partners are involved. I think we should have a couple wild cards in there, you know?

RS: Yeah, like someone you don't know that I'm friends with, or vice versa.

JF: Totally. One of the other first times I hung out with Rachel, me and Benito Skinner came over . . .

RS: Oh my god.

JF: And Rachel had made a rule for herself that she didn't want to gossip, and we forced her to talk shit about so many people. We were like the evil gays coming in and forcing this innocent girl to talk shit, but she needed it, because she did have things to say.

And if we were hosting, I see drinks, hosting, a fabulous atmosphere. Different cuisines, ordering in - just a vibe.

RS: Love, love. Also, age diversity is key. That's the next wave of cool parties.

JF: Yes - our friend Lorraine has the best parties because there are 80-year-olds, 19-year-olds - it's a full range. OK, last question. Favorite part of our friendship?

RS: It's all-encompassing.

JF: I got my tarot cards read, and it said Rachel is going to be one of the most important people in my life.

RS: I have a reading that says we were family in a past life.

JF: I believe it. I love you.

Lena Felton (she/her) is a senior director of special projects at PS, where she oversees sponsored packages, tentpole projects, and editorial partnerships. Previously, she was an editor at The Washington Post, where she led a team covering issues of gender and identity. She has been working in journalism since 2017, during which time her focus has been feature writing and editing and elevating historically underrepresented voices. Lena has worked for The Atlantic, InStyle, So It Goes, and more.

Why "Doorbell Friends" May Be the Most Important Relationship You Have

Taylor Andrews — Thu, 23 Apr 2026 06:05:02 -0700

"Friendship is the original life hack," friendship expert Matt Ritter believes. And while plenty of people may try to optimize their lives with better sleep, healthier eating, or stricter fitness routines, the best version of yourself may simply show up when you're surrounded by your friends.

As great as friends can be, though, building and maintaining those relationships isn't exactly effortless. And when you don't prioritize your catchups or hangouts, loneliness has a way of creeping in fast. According to Ritter, this is why it's so important to become and find a "doorbell friend."

Experts Featured in This Article

Matt Ritter is a friendship expert and the author of the weekly newsletter "The Friendship Habit."

What Is a Doorbell Friend?

A doorbell friend is someone who can show up at your house, ring the doorbell, and be welcomed – welcomed in a way that makes the whole thing feel like less of a nuisance and more of a fun and pleasant surprise. "It's a friendship that fits into your life as it is, not something you have to manufacture time for," Ritter adds.

In other words, these are the people you don't have to make official plans to see. With a doorbell friend, you don't plan hangouts in advance - you just show up and your presence is welcomed. For example, maybe you swing by their house to say hi when you are driving around near their neighborhood. Maybe you call them when you're at the grocery store and see something that reminds you of them. Maybe you text them because your favorite taco place just announced a two-for-one deal.

"Most adult friendships live on weekends - dinners, big nights out, things that require planning. But real closeness is built on Tuesdays; it's a quick pop-in, a 15-minute call after work, or throwing pizza on a table together," Ritter says.

The Importance of a Doorbell Friend

Being and having doorbell friends in your life makes friendship feel effortless. "I have found it's actually easier to slide someone into what's already happening in a friend's life than create a whole new occasion to see them," Ritter says. "And because it's easier, it can happen more frequently."

Being a doorbell friend also prevents friends from drifting apart, because when you make small efforts to see your friend, it may be more effective than having bigger plans that only happen occasionally. "Instead of optimizing for the perfect hang, which inevitably gets postponed multiple times, you start optimizing for access," Ritter says. For example, next time you want to run errands, invite your friend. Or the next time you see a T-shirt that would look incredible on your friend, buy it and drop it off at their house just because. "Closeness comes from consistency, not intensity," Ritter says.

Of course, some people are hesitant to become a doorbell friend because they don't want to feel like they're interrupting. But according to Ritter, when you open yourself up to this, it makes the friendship that much stronger and easier.

How to Become a Doorbell Friend

The best way to become a doorbell friend (and make some of your own) is by saying yes to low-stakes hangs, Ritter says. Instead of planning elaborate nights out that may require childcare or reservations, he suggests lowering the bar. "Invite people into your actual life. Call without a reason. Pop in. Drop by with their coffee order. We all want to be seen, but even more so, we want to be known. Nothing makes people feel better than someone knowing your drink order," Ritter says.

When you do this for your friends, make sure they know they're welcome to do the same with you. "If you explicitly tell someone, 'Hey, you can always swing by,' it changes the relationship and rules," Ritter says. "It erases an invisible boundary that only exists in all of our minds. People feel closer to you just by knowing they have that access, even if they don't use it all the time."

Though not every friend in your life will be a doorbell friend (and that's OK!), finding ones - and becoming doorbell friends for others - is the best way to optimize your life and happiness. "Yes, you have to put a little effort in, but the rewards are higher than anything else you can do to improve your life," Ritter says.

So the next time you want to do something for yourself - a cold plunge, a workout class, book a massage - ask yourself when's the last time you talked to a friend. "If your version of self-care doesn't involve other people, you're probably doing it wrong," Ritter says.

Should We All Have a "Friend Fund"?

Taylor Andrews — Thu, 16 Apr 2026 14:00:11 -0700

Most of us can agree that sharing is a cornerstone of friendship. Whether it's a pair of shoes, quick perfume spritz, an order of truffle fries, or Find My locations, how much you share can be a pretty accurate measure of how tight the group chat really is. But lately, some friend groups are taking it one step further by sharing finances, too, in a concept being referred to as the "friend fund."

A friend fund is a joint bank account shared between a group of friends and often used to pay for group vacations, birthdays, brunches, and other shared activities or investments. In a viral video from Louis Davis (@louisdavis____), the content creator shared that his wife shares one with her friends. "They all put money in every week to do whatever they want," he says. "They go out to dinner, they buy each other's birthday presents, they buy flowers when something bad happens, they go on holidays."

When we think about sharing finances, it's usually in the context of romantic relationships - like when couples open a joint bank account together after they get married. But according to financial counselor Markia Brown, it's actually a pretty common practice in communities, too.

"Different cultures have their own version of community pooling," Brown says. "In the Black community, we've been doing this for generations through susus . . . Korean communities have the gye. What's new is the name and the viral moment, not necessarily the practice."

Though mixing friends with finances may sound like a recipe for disaster, Brown says that, when done well, the friend fund can be a great way to maximize resources. Here are her tips on how to effectively have a friend fund without any drama.

Experts Featured in This Article

Markia Brown is a certified financial education instructor and accredited financial counselor. She is also the founder of The Money Plug® and Common Cents™.

What Is a Friend Fund?

"A friend fund is a shared pool of money among a group of friends that everyone contributes to and pulls from for shared experiences like birthdays, trips, brunches, whatever the group decides," Brown says.

Exactly how your specific friend fund works is completely up to you. Though some people may choose to do weekly or monthly contributions, the amount and how often you invest can all vary. What you spend the friend fund on is also entirely up to the group. While one friend group may use the pool of money to go toward a group vacation, another group of friends may choose to use the resources for emergencies or when someone is in a financial pinch.

The Pros and Cons of a Friend Fund

Depending on what you use the friend fund for, it can often relieve friends from feeling any sort of financial pressure. "Nobody has to feel awkward about whether they can afford the birthday dinner or the group trip because the money is already there," Brown says. A friend fund can also help build community and trust among your friend group. "You're contributing consistently toward something that brings everyone joy - that's actually a really healthy relationship with money," Brown says.

"Community pooling has sustained families and friendships across cultures for centuries."

That said, you also have to keep in mind the negatives. "If the group doesn't have clear guidelines around what qualifies as a fund expense, who can pull and when, and what happens if someone stops contributing, things can get messy fast," Brown says.

Brown says problems with friend funds aren't normally about the money, but about the people. "Money has a way of making existing tension in a friendship louder. If there's already an imbalance in the relationship, like someone who always overextends or someone who never follows through, a shared account will surface it quickly."

How to Do the Friend Fund Correctly

To avoid a friend breakup, below are Brown's suggestions on how to effectively do the friend fund.

Step one: make sure you actually trust the friends you want to go in on a fund with. "We sometimes extend trust in friendships because of the relationship itself - not because someone's actions have actually earned it," Brown says. "Before you pool money with anyone, ask yourself whether their actions match their intentions."

Step two: decide on how you will pool the money. There are many ways you can create a friend fund. As a group, you can decide to make one person in charge and send them contributions each week, or you can open up a joint bank account. If you and your friends decide to invest in a joint bank account, however, make sure to do your research. "A joint bank account means everyone has access," Brown says. "Understand what that means legally and practically before you sign up." (If you go this route, Brown recommends investing in a high-yield savings account so the money can grow while it sits.)

Step three: establish the ground rules. Brown recommends getting aligned on how much everyone contributes and how often, what counts as a fund expense and what doesn't, how withdrawals get approved, and what happens if someone wants out or can't contribute for a period.

Step four: put everything in writing. Don't just agree to a friend fund verbally. "Set it up like a financial agreement, not just a vibe," Brown recommends. Even if it feels formal, she says this can help protect you from drama or problems later. "The friends who laugh at the idea of a written agreement are usually the ones who cause the drama later."

Step five: start small. Don't invest too much too soon, Brown recommends. "You don't have to open with a big commitment. Test the dynamic with a smaller amount before you scale it up."

Step six: designate one person to manage the account. At least quarterly, this person should "look at the balance, revisit the guidelines, and make sure everyone still feels good about how it's being used," Brown says. However, make sure you rotate this responsibility so it doesn't always fall on one friend.

If you follow the above guidelines, a friend fund can work really well. "The concept itself is solid," Brown says. "Community pooling has sustained families and friendships across cultures for centuries."

Though a friend fund can seem like a silly financial investment to some, Brown reiterates that it's about more than just splitting the bill at brunch. To her, she says pooling resources together is powerful, and something that communities of color have been practicing for centuries. "It's about building a culture of shared abundance with the people you love," she says. "Just make sure the foundation is solid before you build on it."

How to Spring Clean Your Friendships

Emma Glassman-Hughes — Fri, 10 Apr 2026 06:00:02 -0700

We're living through a friendship drought. Making friends as an adult is a daunting task, to say nothing of how hard it is to hold onto the ones you already have. What once were considered hallmarks of friendship are disappearing by the day: fewer Americans are partying on average, and more and more adults are adopting an all-new kind of "cancel culture" (that is, canceling plans last minute).

What's worse is that rates of digital burnout have been rising since even before the pandemic, and our deepening dependence on AI has only escalated things. This has meant that in addition to the challenges of meeting new people, it's also been harder to get ahold of existing friends. For many, our overflowing inboxes overwhelm us to the point of not responding to texts, emails, or phone calls for days or sometimes weeks, if ever at all.

We're learning in real time that we can't combat isolation by flooding our phones with pings and likes. If anything, our hyper-connectivity is leading many of us to leave whatever budding friendships we might have to rot on the vine.

OK, that's all pretty bleak. But with spring comes a new season, and more reasons to leave your house - which means good things for your social life. That being said, it's beneficial to treat your friendships like a closet full of winter sweaters and coats: before you go out shopping for new relationships, you should probably tidy up that heap of unconfirmed plans, unaddressed tension, and unanswered text messages first.

Just like your living space, spring cleaning your friendships can take many forms. Sure, there will be some things to throw away, like any unhealthy habits that have formed, or possibly an entire relationship if it's no longer working. But sometimes it doesn't have to be that drastic. Sometimes all you need to do is whip out the duster, rearrange a few things, and voilà - your space, and your emotional battery, feel totally transformed.

Here are some tips, including advice from holistic healer Emily Pogany, for how to spring clean your friendships and start prioritizing connections that are not only fulfilling, but sustainable and manageable, too.

Experts Featured in This Article

Emily Pogany is an intuitive holistic healer, psychic medium, and the founder of lifestyle brand MASAH.

Face Your "Emotional Clutter" Head-On

Emotional clutter could be as innocuous as a too-busy schedule or as serious as unprocessed trauma. It's not realistic to expect yourself to clear that clutter away completely over the course of a single three-month season, but now is a great time to begin addressing it. That could mean setting aside an afternoon to finally go through your inboxes (texts, emails, DMs, phone log). It could also mean finding a new therapist or coach to help you process some of the bigger stuff.

To tune into yourself and figure out what you need, Pogany recommends taking up an easy ritual practice like journaling or meditation, so you can greet your "shadow self."

The shadow self, she says, is responsible for the "limiting beliefs" that we all have about ourselves, which often get in the way of establishing healthy relationships. Changing those narratives requires "looking into the deep recesses of our mind and emotional intelligence and our energetic field," she says. "Our shadow is reflected to us in our life via the relationships that we do not like, that do not serve us." Pogany adds, "Everything is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Our relationships are a mirror."

One way to tackle the emotional clutter and face our shadows is to actually take time away from phones, Pogany says. Many people are already choosing to do this, whether by selecting "Do Not Disturb" throughout the day or shutting phones off before bed, for an entire weekend, or while on a digital detox retreat.

"In today's culture where we're all addicted to our phones, it's up to each person to set boundaries for themselves," Pogany says. "We're all trying to find ways to support our own self-connection." She applauds the effort to "take space" for oneself - as long as people communicate their tech breaks to their friends and loved ones so no one feels ignored.

Clearly Communicate Your Needs, and Prioritize Them

It's sometimes challenging to be friends with people whose communication styles differ widely from your own. Pogany has plenty of personal experience with this, being an ultra-responsive texter with multiple (former) friends who might not respond to her messages for months at a time. After confronting these friends about their behavior, she's had to part from more than a few people who weren't able to communicate in a way she felt was respectful.

"While I understand that we all need to prioritize ourselves first, if you're in a relationship with somebody - a friend, a colleague, your family, or someone romantic - communication is number one. It's queen, it's king, it's showing respect," she says. "And if you can't hold up your end, don't be surprised if the other person walks away."

In friendships, as in romantic relationships, "it takes two to tango," Pogany says. It's OK to tell a friend that you need more from them, and to set expectations for one another. "We have to be able to have challenging and confronting conversations if we want our relationships to flourish. We cannot read each other's minds. You have to ask for it, you have to state it."

If those conversations don't seem to be producing results, it's possible that it's time for you and that friend to cut ties - at least for now. "Friendship breakups are hard; they can be really painful," Pogany says, "but even if you let someone go temporarily, you have no idea if and when they will come back around."

Practice Mindfulness When You're With Your Friends

It may take some work to pinpoint exactly how your current relationships are making you feel and what, if anything, needs to change about them. Pogany recommends using some mindfulness techniques to get there, which can help regulate your nervous system and tune out some of that mental clutter. Breathwork, which you can do on your own or you can practice with a certified professional, is a great place to start, she says.

When you feel centered, you're better able to absorb what's happening around you, including how individual people make you feel. When you're with a friend, try to pay attention to how you feel in your body when the hang ends. Do you feel exhausted? Energized? How does that person treat you in group settings versus when you're alone together? That's all important information when thinking about what your relationships might need more or less of.

Mindfulness also allows you to give your friends your full presence, Pogany says, which is a key ingredient in good friendships. "Our time is limited here, and one of the greatest gifts we can give each other is our time and our presence."

Try to Make One New Connection Each Month

Once you've spruced up your existing friendships, spring is a great season to try reaching out to new people and making new connections. If you have trouble hitting it off with people organically, there are dozens of new friendship speed-dating and matchmaking services that have popped up in cities around the country, like RealRoots and Skip the Small Talk. Each month of spring, challenge yourself to chat up one new person who you would like to befriend, and watch as your summer calendar fills up with exciting plans with new people.

At the end of the day, spring cleaning your friendships is not about callously tossing people out without self-reflection or taking accountability for your own actions. And it's definitely not about sweeping your dustier relationships into a neglected little pile under the sofa. It's about putting in a little elbow grease - in this case, soul-searching - to rediscover what it is you're wanting from your friendships, then making a plan for how to go out and get it.

Emma Glassman-Hughes (she/her) is the associate editor at PS Balance. In her seven years as a reporter, her beats have spanned the lifestyle spectrum; she's covered arts and culture for The Boston Globe, sex and relationships for Cosmopolitan, and food, climate, and farming for Ambrook Research.

The Real Reason Netflix's "Age of Attraction" Is So Cringe-y

Angel Martinez — Thu, 09 Apr 2026 06:00:02 -0700

Age-gap relationships have long been the object of scrutiny and conversation - from people investigating gendered double standards to asking the sex question of it all. And a big place we see these interrogations play out is on screen. (Just think about the debates "Babygirl" sparked back in 2024.)

The latest source of discourse is Netflix's "Age of Attraction," a reality show where dozens of straight, conventionally attractive singles date without knowing how old everyone else is. Once they've found someone to commit to, both of them enter the Promise Room, where they reveal their ages in a dramatic fashion and take their relationship to the real world.

Snippets from the eight episodes and the recent reunion have gone viral, with audiences eager to learn if one of the greatest dealbreakers in the dating scene is merely superficial. But ultimately, the TV show's premise proves to be potentially harmful for contestants. Netflix, it seems, is more interested in capitalizing on the taboo surrounding the issue rather than equipping the younger participants with the skills needed to navigate such a complicated situation.

Experts Featured in This Article

Sofie Roos is a licensed relationship therapist and sexologist for Passionerad.

Although the adage "age is just a number" often prevails, our age and maturity level are never an arbitrary factor when it comes to dating, according to Sofie Roos, a licensed relationship therapist and sexologist. "While the number itself is neutral, age comes with life experience, financial stability, social confidence, and status," she says. "All these are factors that tend to lead to an imbalance, and a certain risk for the older partner getting a more leading and dominant role."

That very much plays out on the show, where many of the older partners expect to be handed the reins, on the sole basis of their "experience" and "authority." Take, for example, the case of "Age of Attraction"'s Jorge and Vanelle. Sparks fly during the 60-year-old criminal defense attorney and 27-year-old project manager's first meeting. But the couple eventually leaves the show early after an explosive argument where Jorge is "talking at her, not talking with her," as Vanelle tells members of the crew. The whole blow-up reinforces that both sides of an age-gap relationship need to be aware of existing power structures and dynamics.

"What we can see in most relationships is that power is determined by who's setting the tone: who's in control, who adapts, and whose needs are being prioritized?"

Similar issues surface in 41-year-old flight attendant Leah and 26-year-old business owner Chris's on-screen romance, with the former being controlling and clingy. In one episode, Chris makes several attempts to get some alone time, causing Leah to throw a nasty temper tantrum. My final straw is when he tells her that he's going to take a 10-minute shower, to which she responds with, "I hate you."

"What we can see in most relationships is that power is determined by who's setting the tone: who's in control, who adapts, and whose needs are being prioritized?" Roos says. "When someone starts telling their partner who they should be, it's a crystal clear sign of the relationship turning no-equal, and the risk is always greater when someone is much older."

Some age-gap relationships can also be built on fetishization, but "Age of Attraction" conveniently glosses over this possibility, assuming that it's always a matter of preference rather than an example of predatory behavior. Viewers may find themselves wondering if certain couples on the show really do like each other for who they are, or if they're more interested in what the other could symbolize.

We see this with Andrew, a 38-year-old bar owner who brings 22-year-old social media manager Libby to meet his friends. There is something so unnerving about a group of much older men joking about how it isn't their first time seeing him date someone "not even old enough to rent a car to see him." I couldn't help but cringe while watching this scene, and I kept wondering: does this man even like his partner for who she is? We never see much of what they both have in common, or what else he might like about her besides how she fits neatly into his problematic type.

According to Roos, one way to differentiate between a genuine connection and a fetishization is looking at what the person gets attracted to. Is it a unique quirk, core value, or life goal, or is it tied to a characteristic feature that can be replicated in another person? Repeating the same patterns or resorting to "stereotypical ideas and expectations" of a partner, as Roos puts it, is a sign that a partner may have a problematic approach to age-gap relationships.

It's worth noting that couples with large age gaps aren't necessarily doomed. Spoiler alert: on the show, Andrew and Libby actually end up together, and so do 49-year-old stylist Vanessa and 29-year-old corporate purchaser Logan. Outside "Age of Attraction," many high-profile examples over the years have also proven that age-gap relationships can be healthy and supportive: Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor, Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart, and Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas come to mind.

But for a relationship to reach this stage, those involved must not only address the elephant in the room but also accept that it's an important consideration. This means not sugarcoating reality with common excuses like "but they're so mature for their age."

"It can feel uncomfortable to talk openly about power, but articulating the differences between you and your partner when it comes to finances, experience, or status makes it a lot easier to avoid the imbalance," Roos advises. And that's important no matter anyone's age.

For age-gap couples, it's important to honor each other's growth, no matter what that looks like. Perhaps a non-judgmental space to grow for the younger person, or a sense of stability and security for their older counterpart will do the trick. "But the moment anyone feels like they're raising their significant other, illustrating examples as if they don't understand, and controlling their behavior is a sign to stop and ask yourself what's going on," she says.

Instead, creating a third culture is encouraged: incorporating both of your current tastes and life stages to build something new. Mutual trust and respect is the backbone of any healthy relationship, at the end of the day. Sadly, with the way the show was structured and marketed, "Age of Attraction" didn't really care about that. By only focusing on how different each couple was, they failed to show how they could ever be truly equals.

Angel Martinez is a Manila-based culture writer, consumer researcher, and content strategist. Her work on the internet, identity, and their intersections has been published in Vice, i-D, Vox, and Business Insider, among others.

The Art of Becoming "Socially Wealthy"

Taylor Andrews — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 06:10:03 -0800

Learning how to be "socially wealthy" is absolutely the flex you think it is. Because while traditional wealth measures the amount in your bank account, social wealth measures the quality of your relationships . . . and we'll let you decide which currency holds more value.

According to a viral TikTok breaking down the concept, socially wealthy people are essentially elite communicators. (The type of people you actually hope to get stuck making small talk with at a party, for example.) They laugh easily and genuinely, make you feel seen instead of judged, and never treat conversations like a competition. They give specific compliments instead of vague ones, hold eye contact without making it weird, and aren't afraid of the occasional awkward silence.

But socially wealthy people aren't just born this way. Just like financial wealth, social wealth is built - shaped by the kinds of relationships these people intentionally cultivate. And instead of focusing on knowing a little bit about everyone, they focus on knowing people more deeply.

Curious how to become more socially wealthy yourself? Here's where to start.

Experts Featured in This Article

Ashley Smith, PhD, is a licensed psychologist and co-founder of Peak Mind: The Center for Psychological Strength.

Adrienne Alexander is a communication strategist and expert with over 20 years of experience helping professionals build confidence, navigate social dynamics, and communicate effectively.

What Does It Mean to Be Socially Wealthy?

If you look at what it means to be socially wealthy in a broad sense, it has a lot to do with who you surround yourself with. "Being socially wealthy means having a strong, supportive, and accepting social network," licensed psychologist Ashley Smith, PhD, says. "It's about your relationship capital - do you have people you can count on, who you feel connected to, and who you can be authentic with?"

But while being socially wealthy has a lot to do with your inner circle, it also has to do with how you engage in conversations and social settings. "Social wealth is the ability to show up as yourself without performing and to be met with understanding rather than judgment," communication expert Adrienne Alexander says. In other words, it's being the person that someone actually enjoys speaking to.

Though social wealth can look different for everyone, here are some signs someone is socially wealthy, according to our experts:

People feel comfortable reaching out to you when they need support - and you equally feel comfortable reaching out to them.
You can be honest with the people around you, and the people around you feel the same.
You are genuine in conversations, and you listen more than you speak. You also ask follow-up questions and make people feel heard and comfortable.
You remember specific things about people, and use it as a way to start a conversation.
You make everyone feel included, and you always bring people together or into a conversation.
You don't avoid conflict, and you know that addressing a problem won't end your relationship with someone.
Your relationships don't feel transactional. You give a little, and your inner circle does the same.

How to Become Socially Wealthy

According to Dr. Smith, becoming socially wealthy is all about developing stronger relationship skills - and for her, lesson one should be focusing less on how the conversation relates to you and more on the person you're speaking with.

For example, while it's normal to want to relate every conversation back to you (e.g. "this reminds me of a time when I did . . ." or "I just recently did . . .") ask the person you're speaking to a follow-up question instead. "When someone shares a story or something that happened to them, recognize it as a bid for connection. Before returning your own related story, ask a question," she suggests. This makes them feel seen and not like you want to make the conversation all about yourself.

For Alexander, the best way to become socially wealthy is to keep up with your circle. "Social wealth grows through steady deposits of presence, not grand gestures," she says. "Be consistent and check in on people when there isn't a milestone, crisis, or opportunity attached."

"Social wealth grows through steady deposits of presence, not grand gestures."

In general conversations though, the most important thing you can do is be a good listener. "Put your phone away, give your full attention, and pay attention to what they're saying rather than jumping ahead in your mind to what you're going to say next," Dr. Smith adds.

And for the introverts or people who feel like they're awkward in social settings, the best thing you can do is practice. "You need to practice interacting," Dr. Smith says. "Confidence comes after experience - not before. The only way to feel more comfortable and less anxious is to go practice the uncomfortable thing repeatedly."

Even if that feels daunting, start small. Alexander suggests having a few open-ended conversation starters on-hand that you can lean on when you know you will be in a social setting. She also suggests focusing on having one meaningful conversation rather than circling the entire room. "Introverts often have an advantage because they tend to listen deeply and prefer substantive conversations," she adds. For this reason, focusing on one-on-one connections can be the way in for you.

Introvert or not, though, remember that being socially wealthy is less about being the loudest person in the room and more about being the most present one. The real flex isn't having endless connections, but having relationships that actually feel supportive and genuine. "That kind of wealth often matters more than any number in a bank account," Alexander says.

The Surprising Way Sobriety Changed My Social Life

Hannah Yasharoff — Wed, 07 Jan 2026 06:00:02 -0800

It's been months since I decided to stop drinking alcohol, and it has completely changed my social life - but not at all in the way I thought it would.

What started as a moment of "I'm not supposed to drink right away while trying this new medication" turned over time into "maybe I actually don't want to drink ever again."

When my doctor initially recommended I take a break from alcohol, it seemed like the end of socialization as I knew it. I'd have to go to Halloween parties, my college homecoming tailgate, and all future first dates completely sober? No way.

Of course, my biggest fear as a single 20-something woman living in a major city was that not drinking was going to kill my social life - both with friends who I frequently hung out with in bar and party settings and prospective romantic partners who I would never dream of meeting for the first time without having a drink or two to calm my nerves.

But as my journey proves, being more intentional with your own choices can be a powerful way of making deeper connections with the people around you. I feared being sober would make me feel anxious and seem boring, but I've never felt so comfortable meeting new people, telling a funny story at a party, and spending quality time with people I care about.

How Going Sober Improved My Self-Confidence in Social Situations

I've always been super tall (6'2", and yes, I played basketball), and my body was a major source of discomfort growing up. My height ensured that I was always more visible in the ways I didn't want to be, and it made me eternally afraid that boys wouldn't be interested in someone who towered over all the other girls in her class.

I feared being sober would make me feel anxious and seem boring, but I've never felt so comfortable meeting new people.

Drinking for the first time finally allowed an avenue for me to drown out those voices in my head telling me I was too different or not cool enough or whatever else my anxiety felt like throwing at me that day. And so my social outings in college and post-grad often consisted of having enough drinks that I wasn't constantly worrying about what other people thought of me.

Quitting alcohol has forced me to properly sit with those feelings I've tried to push aside for years. What was I so afraid of that I didn't think I could handle it sober? Drinking, it turned out, was an attempt to chase a sense of belonging; I was hoping to finally feel like I was wanted in social spaces where a younger, less-confident version of myself would feel insecure.

Spoiler alert, younger me: You were actually welcome in those spaces all along.

I have since gone through all of those social events that I didn't think I could possibly do without at least a drink or two - parties, tailgates, dates, nights out at crowded bars. I recently spent New Year's Eve at a bustling house party, filled with several people I was friends with but many more I had never met. I chose to wear my favorite heels - making me 6'5" that evening, for those keeping score. A younger me would have been terrified to do so out of fear of drawing unnecessary attention to how much I loom over everyone else.

I was the tallest person at the party. Guess what, teenage Hannah? The world kept spinning.

At one point just before midnight, a slightly shorter but still tall woman approached me, hyping me up in the way only a drunk girl can, telling me how much she loved my shoes.

"It's so cool that you're wearing those. I could never find the confidence to do that," she said. She meant it as a compliment, and I took it as one. But right before we rang in a new year, it felt like a Ghost of New Year's Past had made one last visit to close out that old chapter of my life. How many times at how many social events over the years had I repeated that same sort of narrative to myself?

How Sobriety Has Shaped My Friendships and Dating Life

Ultimately, I've found that not drinking has actually made me feel more included than I ever have. I feel closer to my friends. After being nervous about how this choice might impact our time together, their support has solidified that I've chosen the right people to be around.

They make sure to invite me to nights out anyway, helping to ensure I can still find a fun little mocktail and never making me feel like an "other" for changing my mind about alcohol in a world where it's at the center of so many social events.

That's another tip I have for others who are sober-curious: Finding a few non-alcoholic drink options that you like is super important - if I can sip on a Shirley Temple all night, I am set. I have another friend who's newly sober, and testing out a wide variety of canned mocktails together has been so much fun.

When it comes to dating, it turns out that if I wouldn't go on a date with someone without having a couple drinks to feel comfortable, we probably shouldn't be going out in the first place. I've become so much more intentional about making sure I'm only spending time with people who I think would be a genuinely good match.

Granted, I've gone on fewer dates since going sober. But a large part of that is due to the fact that I'm being so much more intentional about whom I'm matching with on dating apps. No more 3 a.m. drunken swipes right - that usually only led to dates I would go on just to say I was putting myself out there, not with guys who I genuinely was interested in getting to know. I've also started to shift away from the apps in favor of putting a greater emphasis on connecting with people IRL.

This decision to stop drinking actually turned out to be the best barometer for who I should be surrounding myself with. That, in turn, helped me grow into a much more confident version of myself who cares less and less what other people think of me.

None of this is to knock anybody for continuing to drink. We all have different reasons behind why we do anything, and far be it from me to tell you to change something if it works fine for you. But I'm grateful that this initially temporary lifestyle change helped me to get more in touch with myself and recognize what I was doing out of anxiety instead of authenticity.

I know now that if I'm spending time with the right people, I don't feel like I need to be drunk to feel comfortable in my own shoes.

Hannah Yasharoff is a journalist based in Washington, DC specializing in entertainment, wellness, and lifestyle topics. Previously, she was an entertainment and wellness reporter at USA Today for more than five years before serving as a health and wellness reporter for The Messenger.

What I Learned in the Year of Yearning

Emma Glassman-Hughes — Tue, 23 Dec 2025 06:15:01 -0800

I assumed I would be yearned for. Practically every woman I saw on a screen or read about in a book always was. They were yearned after for their beauty, their mystique, their untouchableness. Not only an object of desire but of longing, aching, even - that's what I figured I'd be. That I'd stir up the animal impulses of men with something as simple as a look, or a tuck of hair behind my ear. That I'd inspire romance of the deepest, most disruptive, most consuming degree. Like it was my birthright.

High school taught me I'm no Helen of Troy. I'm no Cathy Earnshaw, either, and I'm certainly no Bella Swan. I'm "cute," I'm "funny," I'm "smart," but I'm not enough of anything to launch a man into the atmosphere where he'd spin the Earth backwards just for me. And to top it all off, somehow, contrary to the story I'd been sold, I was the one plagued with constant longing. I was the one with the cosmic, aching desire. I was the one with the grand romantic fantasies. But I couldn't muster enough charisma in a bat of my eyelashes to convert those feelings into real connections. I felt defeated by my lackluster feminine wiles. Until this year.

Yearning actually belongs to women; it's not just something that happens to us.

This year - the year of yearning - was a watershed moment for lovers like me. Crush culture came back with a bang (actually more of a pang, or an anguished groan), with characters like Conrad Fisher, whose dramatic longing for Belly on "The Summer I Turned Pretty" earned him the moniker "Yearnrad" Fisher. Jonathan Bailey, whose 2022 performance in "Bridgerton" solidified him as captain of the yearn yacht, delivered a masterclass in yearning when he waxed to Bustle about why "it's so important to shamelessly show" it. HBO subscribers, meanwhile, smoldered under the flames of "Heated Rivalry" - also known as yearning on ice - in which two horny hockey players exchange many charged glances and breathless, desperate kisses.

This year's pop culture was sopping with desire. Yet, the face of yearning in 2025 was still mostly male. Women yearners were more elusive. There were great, scornful breakup albums like Lily Allen's "West End Girl" and Sabrina Carpenter's "Man's Best Friend," both lamenting a lost love, less from a place of yearning and more from a place of spite. Elphaba yearns for Fiyero in "Wicked: For Good," though the "As Long As You're Mine" scene caught some heat from fans who said it wasn't "spicy" enough.

We did, however, get one, pure, agonizing example of female yearning this year, in Chappell Roan's "The Subway" music video. In it, we see the yearner's imagination brought to life: Roan stalks the streets of New York, a heady mix of heartache and hope behind her eyes. She gets dragged along by taxi cabs and sprints down sidewalks, seeing bits of the love she's lost in every stranger's face. She climbs towers and screams into a swirling twister of trash and does it all without pretending for even a second that she isn't leading with her big, beautiful, beating heart. It's four minutes and 31 seconds of raw, triumphant emotion - admitting that she lost, and throwing up her hands in surrender to the tornado of her feelings.

Somehow, after a lifetime of messaging that I should be the yearned-for and not the yearner, it only took one music video to bandage up a part of me that felt terminally inferior for failing at the doe-eyed ingénue schtick.

It's a relief to finally proclaim that sometimes I will be the loser, I will be the overlooked one.

It helped lead to my discovery that there is freedom in yearning - that yearning can be a powerful manifestation of the female gaze. That yearning actually belongs to women; it's not just something that happens to us. Yearning is the ultimate expression of our desire. When women write yearning, it's not just, I think you're hot. It's, I'm lusting after you. It's, I'm fantasizing about building a life with you. Our yearning can be demure, and it can be feral.

In 2026, I want to see more women failing to get noticed, more women with unrequited crushes - and I want to hear from them about how that makes them feel. I want to see more women longing for anything - a romantic interest, sure, but also a friendship, a career, a cause, a place, a better world. Stories of women yearners are interesting and real and full, and we deserve more of them. And hopefully, at least occasionally, those women get what they're so fiercely hoping for.

Too often the women characters we get in pop culture come to us already complete, already perfect, without much that makes them human. Too often the meat of the story revolves around a man's growth as he tries to win that perfect woman's attention and heart. As a lifelong yearner and deeply imperfect woman, it's a relief to finally proclaim that sometimes I will be the loser, I will be the overlooked one. Sometimes I will be desired, yes, but if I'm vying to be desired always, I will frequently be disappointed. To desire - not just be the object of it - is empowering, even when it hurts.

Why Everyone Needs an "Amaya Papaya Friend" in Their Life

Taylor Andrews — Mon, 17 Nov 2025 06:00:02 -0800

In most friend groups, there's always that one person that can validate your emotions like no one else can. They're both an unofficial therapist and a delusional hype woman, a sounding board and a shit talker, and most importantly, they're the person who isn't afraid to let their own guard down, giving you full permission to fall apart. This is what I like to call the "Amaya Papaya friend."

Yes, based on Amaya "Papaya" Espinal from season seven of "Love Island USA" (who's also our "Feel-Good Person of the Year"), this is the type of person you absolutely want in your life. Why? Because, as the founder of the "sensitive gangster" movement, Espinal validated emotional and confident baddies everywhere. She reminded her fellow contestants and viewers at home that you are good enough just as you are. And if you've ever wished your friend group had one of these types of friends, here's exactly what it looks like, why it matters, and how to find (or become) your own.

What Is an Amaya Papaya Friend?

As you'd expect from its name, an Amaya Papaya friend is based on the "Love Island USA" star. On the reality TV show, there were multiple instances where Espinal doubled down on her emotions, showing everyone that strength comes from vulnerability. From defending her expressive nature during the "Stand on Business" challenge to comforting Nic (aka Mommy's Little Meatball) when he shed tears about missing his family, Espinal always showed up. This is why the Amaya Papaya friend is the one who will always be there for you - completely unfiltered, loyal, and always ready to make you feel seen.

So how do you spot an Amaya Papaya friend? Though Espinal had her very own "Amaya-isms" that made her who she is, there are still a few standout personality traits you want to look for. Of course, Amaya Papaya friends can show up in different ways in every friendship, but here are some common characteristics:

They cry at basically everything, so you don't have to feel bad about feeling equally big emotions.
. . . Because they cry at basically everything, they're extremely empathetic and understanding.
They give the best pep talks, even if they really need one themself.
They never judge you but always come with an opinion.
They call you out for unacceptable behavior, but they'll also defend you to the death.
They provide comic relief during situations that otherwise wouldn't be funny.
They are your biggest cheerleader.

Why Having an Amaya Papaya Friend Is the Best

Sometimes, life can be messy. And when plans fall through, exes follow new girls on Instagram, and group chats explode in the middle of the night, you need an Amaya Papaya friend. This is because, no matter what, they will always show up physically and emotionally (even if it means they cry about the situation more than you do).

But Amaya Papaya friends are important for more than just the tough times in life. At their core, they are your biggest supporter, constantly celebrating you for who you are and what you accomplish. These types of friends truly see their loved ones as whole people, noticing when they're stressed, sad, angry, or just off. (And let's be honest, someone truly seeing you and understanding all of your states is an underrated part of a friendship.)

In a world where you can find a couch friend, a bonus friend, a VIP friend, or a sleepover friend, sometimes the best one to have is simply an Amaya Papaya friend.

Latina Celebs Over 40 Aren't Giving Up on Love, and Neither Am I

Johanna Ferreira — Wed, 12 Nov 2025 11:00:02 -0800

I'm embarrassed to admit that I used to be one of those girls in their 20s who felt genuinely sorry for single women in their 40s and beyond. And I don't mean that from a place of looking down on them or thinking I was somehow better. In fact, when I was growing up, women in their 40s and beyond were always way cooler to me than women in their 20s and 30s. They were way more beautiful and womanly in my opinion. They dressed better, they had better taste in everything from shoes to restaurants, and they leaned into their femininity in a very comfortable and self-assured way - not as a tactic to attract the male gaze, but because they were just at ease with who they were. They were confident, they were intuitive, they were experienced, they were unapologetically themselves and always full of wisdom.

But despite how amazing I knew they were, I grew up watching the single ones often give up on love or end up in relationships with men who, I could immediately tell, weren't worth their time. It didn't matter if these women were accomplished, made six figures, looked 10 years younger than they were, or had raised wonderful kids. In my communities - and especially in Latine communities - there was this underlying idea that a woman over 40 was somehow "defective" and less likely to find love, unless she settled for someone who was older, divorced, and done having kids.

As I got older, though, I started to notice that this "sad reality" wasn't reality at all - it was a double standard rooted in misogyny. And today, I've seen so many Latina celebs reject that myth. Sofia Vergara, in her 50s, has openly shared in interviews how she hasn't given up on love at all. Jessica Alba, who had a major glow-up post-divorce at 44, is dating the handsome and talented 32-year-old actor Danny Ramirez. As a single mom of three, she looks happier and more radiant now than ever before.

It doesn't stop there. Salma Hayek found love at 40, eventually married, and became a mom. Eva Longoria embraced a beautiful relationship at 40 and became a mom later in life. Eva Mendes found her perfect match with Ryan Gosling at 39, and she has shared that it was well worth the wait. She had both their daughters in her 40s. Even Cameron Diaz got married at 42 and has spoken about how the timing couldn't have been better.

All of these incredible women are living proof that love doesn't have an age cap. They're changing the narrative and showing that romance can bloom beautifully at any stage of life. It doesn't matter if you're a single mom of three or a 40-year-old woman who still hasn't had kids of your own. Seeing these beautiful and successful women live and love so fully has helped me realize that my own story is just beginning, no matter what age I am.

What I have come to realize is that the ageist narrative - that women lose value as they get older - is one of the biggest lies the patriarchy keeps selling us. It immediately disempowers us, takes all our money, and triggers us to make bad and desperate decisions that further uphold misogynistic systems. The truth is, once I let go of that belief myself, I started attracting men who value me for who I am, and not for my age or the babies I may or may not be able to give them. Even men who have no idea I froze my eggs this year seem a lot more interested in me as a person, as a creative, and as a writer than they are in how old I am.

I don't doubt that's because unsubscribing to this outdated and sexist narrative that women become undesirable after 35 has made me more confident. Dating also got easier because I was doing it more on my own terms. I've accepted that I have a dominant personality just like my Dominican mami, and often like to take charge and call the shots. Therefore, I prefer gentle, secure, and laid-back masculine men who comfortably and confidently go with my flow and my pace. But this is something I had to learn with age.

At 39, and approaching 40 next year, I know I'm more comfortable and happier in my skin than ever before. I have very few moments when I'm not satisfied with what I see in the mirror. My body is toner, healthier, and way more snatched at 39 than it even was at 19 - despite being thinner at that age. My skin is smoother, clearer, and more radiant than ever, and my curls have never been this long, thick, and healthy in my entire life. And even on the days where I feel like I haven't met enough career milestones or financial goals - most of my anxiety stems from the fact that I'm still not a rich auntie - I can still remind myself of all I've managed to accomplish as a professional writer and culture and identity journalist, something most people never get to do in their lifetime.

I've learned that finding love has nothing to do with age and everything to do with how you see yourself. As long as you see yourself as the prize, you'll attract what you believe you're worthy of. As I near 40 - my birthday is next April - I feel more excited than ever about the woman I'm becoming. Five or six years ago, I might have been anxious about milestones I still haven't reached or worried that I'd never meet the love of my life because of ageist beliefs. But now, as a more confident and self-assured version of myself, I'm genuinely excited for the woman I'll be in this new chapter and for the amazing people I'll meet along the way. Here's to embracing that mindset and knowing that love is absolutely possible at any age - no matter what your abuelita might have told you!

Johanna Ferreira is the content director for PS Juntos. With more than 10 years of experience, Johanna focuses on how intersectional identities are a central part of Latine culture. Previously, she spent close to three years as the deputy editor at HipLatina, and she has freelanced for numerous outlets including Refinery29, Oprah magazine, Allure, InStyle, and Well+Good. She has also moderated and spoken on numerous panels on Latine identity.

The "Get-It-Done Friend" Will Help You Tackle Your To-Do List

Emma Glassman-Hughes — Wed, 01 Oct 2025 06:00:01 -0700

For three years, Christi Newrutzen walked past a half-painted dresser in her house in Bellingham, WA. Gosh, I need to finish that, the 30-year-old trained speech pathologist would think to herself before continuing on with her day. I'll get to it eventually. But the little voices in her head whispered poisonous things. In order to get back to it, they said, the conditions must be just right; the stars "need to align." Three years in, a new voice in her head piped up and asked her a question that would kick start the rest of her life: how long would it actually take to finish this, though?

She filmed the process of finally painting it, which took less than two hours, and posted it on her TikTok. And she hasn't looked back since. Now, Newrutzen's videos - asking the same question about other seemingly arduous but ultimately pretty manageable tasks - get millions of views, and have led her to finish dozens of chores that would have otherwise gone on plaguing her subconscious indefinitely.

Having hacked her own productivity - and seeing how her "How Long Does It Actually Take?" series has resonated with such a broad audience - it dawned on her that she could share the wealth. So she started offering her (free) services to friends whose unfinished projects have similarly been stacking up, helping them tackle tedious but necessary chores like resumé-building, organizing art closets, and clearing out cluttered garages.

The get-it-done friend is . . . like a real-life blend of "Queer Eye" and Marie Kondo.

Newrutzen represents a new breed of friend: the "get-it-done" friend, ready to jump in and help - not just motivate - whenever you're feeling overwhelmed by your to-do list. A get-it-done friend is a rare and precious companion, especially now, in an age marked by unprecedented visibility into the impacts of ADHD among young people and lots of heady discourse about the stigma of procrastination.

We're living in a time of productivity paradoxes, when it's somehow easier and harder than ever before to accomplish even the most basic tasks. Technology has never been so advanced; we've never had so many options at our fingertips to help tick things off our to-do lists. And yet, every day is a new struggle to manage the endless scroll of a 21st-century agenda. One recent study actually found that mundane chores feel even more draining the closer we get to being done, meaning there may not even be a sense of relief when we finish, further disincentivizing us from starting them in the first place.

"In the digital age, we're being fed all of this stuff about how easy it is, but we end up scrolling on our phones for five or six hours a day, stuck in a dopamine loop," Newrutzen tells Popsugar.

The get-it-done friend is the perfect antidote, then, cheering you toward the finish line with a dose of self-reflective realness, like a real-life blend of "Queer Eye" and Marie Kondo.

The magic of these friendships is surprisingly straightforward. As Newrutzen found when she first started her series, simply giving herself a basic format and filming allowed her to shift her mindset and address her unfinished tasks. Instead of dwelling on how much effort they might take, or what elements she would need to have in place to make sure everything got done perfectly, turning her chores into a TikTok series was a way to "shrink" them in her mind, she says, and make them fun. As for helping her friends, she's seen how body-doubling is often the secret ingredient to reaching the starting line. The Cleveland Clinic defines body-doubling as "doing a task or project while in the presence of one (or more) people," which can encourage "focus, accountability, and productivity," especially for people with ADHD.

"I think that a lot of the time we feel we need to do stuff all by ourselves, but body-doubling really does work."

"I think that a lot of the time we feel we need to do stuff all by ourselves, but body-doubling really does work," Newrutzen says. The presence of another person, especially a get-it-done friend who's invested in the same activity you are, provides enough of a reset in your brain to suddenly view the activity with fresh eyes. "It's fun if you're doing it with somebody else," she adds. "It doesn't have to be as overwhelming of a task."

New York–based psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, recently told "Self" that "quality time doesn't have to involve an hours-long special event or Instagram-worthy aesthetic. In truth, a shared errand is a valid form of connection." In Newrutzen's case, a shared chore or project counts, too - not to mention the bonding power of shouldering some of a friend's emotional and physical load.

"I know it's hard when you're depressed and anxious and you feel like you can't even get up to brush your own teeth," she says. "But I want to inspire people to build community and to ask for help. That might be just the thing that you need to kick start stuff."

Sometimes a get-it-done friend doesn't help you get things done per se - but they'll help you get started, which might actually be just as helpful. One recent video featured a friend of a friend who recruited Newrutzen's help to clear out her parents' cluttered home. The friend had been urging her parents to declutter for over 20 years, but the project always felt too big. Newrutzen cleared out just the garage - and carted away two trucks full of garbage - helping to dial down the overwhelm.

"That was a huge weight off their shoulders," she says.

The majority of the friends she's helped as part of this series text her afterward to tell her they were "on a roll" and kept on tackling other tasks long after she left, "all because of that little thing of having me there," she says.

Newrutzen finds it deeply fulfilling to help her friends realize goals they've been putting off, sometimes for years - with no strings attached. She's intimately familiar with the procrastination shame spiral, and knows that most of the time, what's really holding us back are the voices inside our heads. (See: the three years it took her to complete two hours of work on her dresser.)

In the end, she says, "sometimes starting is the hardest part." And if there's anyone who can get you over that initial hurdle, it's that one friend who's an endless well of motivation, has an unshakeable belief in your competence, and looks great in a pair of rubber gloves.

My Age-Gap Friendship Made Me Realize I Was Looking For a "Work Mom"

Nandini Maharaj — Mon, 01 Sep 2025 06:15:02 -0700

I'll admit I used to be a snob about being friends with someone a decade older than me. When I started grad school, I gravitated toward the other 20-year-olds in my cohort, thinking I'd have more in common with them than with the Gen Xers who wore out-of-style jeans and talked about starting their own families. At 22, I felt like I was oceans apart from someone nearing their 40s.

The tables turned when I found myself in an office full of Gen Z employees and I was the older one, clinging to delusions of youth. Really, I had just turned 30, but to a 20-year-old, I assume I was practically ancient. My only comfort was a gray-haired Gen Xer, 20 years my senior, who took me under her wing. She would confide in me about raising two teenagers, and I would complain about not knowing what I wanted to do with my life.

Soon, we seemed less like castmates on "The Golden Girls" and more like coworkers Barbara (Sheryl Lee Ralph) and Janine (Quinta Brunson) from "Abbott Elementary." (If you haven't seen the show, rookie teacher Janine often seeks advice from the older and wiser kindergarten teacher Barbara, whom Janine considers a mother figure, even calling her "mom" in the first episode.)

Eventually, however, the friendship fizzled out when I kept rehashing problems and ignoring my colleague's advice. As much as I valued this friendship, I realized she wasn't looking for a "work daughter." But not every age-gap friendship is doomed.

Popsugar spoke with two relationship experts for advice on navigating age-gap friendships and how to get your friendship on track if, like me, you start treating your colleague like a "work mom."

Experts Featured in This Article

Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC, is the clinical director and founder of On Par Therapy.

Alexandra Stratyner, PhD, is a licensed psychologist and a cofounder of Stratyner & Associates.

Why Do We Treat Older Friends Like Parental Figures?

The transition from age-gap friendship to parent-child relationship may feel like a natural progression. In my case, this dynamic formed when we started talking about conflict with family members. And when I finished venting, I just wanted her to take my side and agree with me.

In addition to our age gap, becoming friends at work likely contributed to our parent-child dynamic. Since work can be a stressful environment, "there might be a psychological drive in us to seek a parental figure as a means of protection," says mental health counselor Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC. "If there are unresolved issues with a parental figure, you might project those needs onto an older friend in hopes of finding comfort, stability, or guidance in unfamiliar situations."

Psychologist Alexandra Stratyner, PhD, agrees, explaining that we tend to crave mentoring, safety, and comfort in a new or daunting environment. "An older friend or coworker may exemplify mothering qualities we're drawn to, such as wisdom, nurturing, and care," she says. In turn, motherly instincts may prompt the older friend to feel protective over the younger one.

Signs You're Turning a Friend Into a Parental Figure

Age-gap relationships, whether platonic or romantic, usually involve at least a 10-year age difference. According to Paruolo and Dr. Stratyner, there are a few signs that you may be treating an older friend like a parental figure:

Turning to a friend regularly for advice on personal matters
Frequently seeking their approval
Looking for emotional support like you would get from a parent
Expecting your friend to solve your problems or make decisions for you
Shifting accountability or blame onto your friend
Feeling rejected when they don't live up to your expectations
Seeking their companionship for protection or safety

As with parent-child relationships, age-gap relationships often involve a power imbalance. "While it's great to have an older friend's guidance, you may be hindering your personal growth and independence," Paruolo says. Being aware of this power difference can help instill a healthier dynamic where you're not relying on your friend to fill your emotional needs.

Are Age-Gap Friendships Worth It?

Both experts agree there are numerous benefits to having an age-gap friendship. For one, an older friend can help broaden your worldview. "Their firsthand experience of world events or cultural shifts may offer new understandings of life, making your friendship rewarding on a personal and cultural level," Dr. Stratyner says.

Compared to same-age peers, an older friend may feel less pressure to maintain an air of success, especially on social media, Paruolo says. For instance, your college roommates or high school friends might often post about travel plans or attending exclusive events, whereas someone further along in their career might be less compelled to perform or impress others. An older friend can also be a role model for aging well and having rewarding relationships at all stages of life, Dr. Stratyner says.

Even brief contact with someone older than you can have a positive effect on your mood and well-being, according to a study in The International Journal of Aging and Human Development. Another study of youth in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health found that receiving advice from an older person can have a positive effect on your sense of purpose. In some instances, an older friend might be more emotionally mature and equipped to listen and empathize with you compared to someone your age.

On the career front, an older friend might "open networking doors, especially if their professional and personal network leads to new experiences or paths you wouldn't have considered," Dr. Stratyner says. So long as they're on board with being a mentor, an older friend can offer insight into career challenges. For example, they can offer advice on how to deal with a change in leadership or an unexpected demotion.

How Do You Get Back to Being Peers?

If you notice this parent-child dynamic emerging in your friendship, it is possible to hit the reset button. Paruolo suggests "auditing" your relationship by asking: How do you feel about the friendship? Do you feel hindered in your growth? Is your friendship triggering emotions you've experienced with your own maternal figure?

You can then talk to your friend about how you would like the relationship to shift, Dr. Stratyner says. For example, you can say: "I've noticed our dynamic feels more like a mother-daughter relationship. How do you feel about it?" Your friend might agree that they've been stepping into a motherly role, or they might be unaware of this dynamic.

In any case, consider this an opportunity to set boundaries. This doesn't mean "doing a 180-degree switch and having rigid boundaries," Paruolo says. "It's just being aware of certain parameters that need to be in place to protect the relationship you have as friends and coworkers."

For example, you might designate a cutoff time for the team chat or decide not to text on weekends. You can limit how much approval or advice you seek from each other and focus on mutual sharing and support, Dr. Stratyner says. In addition, you can become more independent and self-reliant by making your own decisions.

Rather than making your age difference a big deal, focus on your shared interests and experiences. Like me, you may find yourself in a motherly role one day. "So it's important to be open to your own evolution and recognize that you don't have to step into that dynamic," Paruolo says.

Nandini Maharaj, PhD, is a trained therapist with a master's degree in counseling and a doctorate in public health. Her writing on health, wellness, relationships, and dogs has been featured by PS, Self, Well+Good, Business Insider, Apartment Therapy, American Kennel Club, and more.

Men in Relationships Need More Women Friends

Emma Glassman-Hughes — Fri, 29 Aug 2025 09:45:00 -0700

My secret phobia? The hetero married couple at the party. The wife, though, is rarely the problem. At minimum, she's likely to greet me with polite eye contact and a warm, if modestly disinterested, smile. She might even compliment my earrings, even if she hates them. Meanwhile, the eyes of her husband will have glazed over. I might get a grunt before he wordlessly bumps into me, like a bird into a very clean window, on his way to the refreshments table on the other side of the room.

What's odd is I have no trouble making friends with single men. And though I'm appropriately wary of them, I sometimes think it's easier for me to connect with male strangers than with women. But once a man is married - and no longer trying to sleep with me - he will likely go cold. More often than not, men in serious relationships with other women do not seem interested in getting to know me. Usually this is annoying but ultimately harmless. It's not like I'm dying to talk to them about golf averages or why they prefer bourbon Manhattans to whiskey. (Yes, all married men in my head are side characters in an episode of "Mad Men.")

"It's really nice to be able to connect with and learn from people who have a different lived experience than I do."

But now in the throes of a conservative backslide among a deeply gender-divided populace, it seems the question we thought we'd answered decades ago with a resounding "duh" - can men and women really be friends? - is suddenly back up for debate, like the separation of church and state or the need for a polio vaccine.

Now, the most basic truths that we once took for granted, like the value of diverse friendships, are at risk of crumbling (not to mention our democracy).

Donald Trump and the men in his orbit wear their misogyny on their suit-sleeves; his first vice president was the poster boy for single-gender friendships, having famously said he "never eats alone with a woman other than his wife and that he won't attend events featuring alcohol without her by his side," according to The Washington Post. That gentlemanly refrain reeks of rape culture and the belief that women are of no use if they aren't for sex. By that logic, any woman who isn't your wife isn't a human but a temptation.

But whether or not women want to be friends with men is a totally different story - and I can't really blame anyone whose answer is no. While it's true that about 45 percent of (primarily white) women voted for Trump, we are facing one of the starkest gender divides in decades - from split beliefs in reproductive justice to countless young men who were mobilized to vote red last November because of the right's brand of unapologetic machismo.

But at least within my circle of (admittedly mostly queer and progressive) friends, many are feeling inter-gender friendships might be the simplest way to narrow the gender gap. I checked in with a handful of male friends of my own who are in serious relationships with women to gauge how they feel about our friendship and their other friendships with women. All of them said their romantic relationships didn't inhibit them from making friends with women, and many added that they not only feel encouraged to seek friendships with people of all genders, but that they actually see it as a cornerstone of a good relationship to build connections with all sorts of people.

My friend Jun tells me over text that, generally speaking, he appreciates his women friends because they're "cool people" and not necessarily because "they happen to be women." "It feels obvious to me that life is more enriching when you can develop friendships with people of varying backgrounds," he says, "so it's really nice to be able to connect with and learn from people who have a different lived experience than I do!"

"I think mutual vulnerability is the bedrock of any good relationship and that seems to be more embedded into female friendships."

For several of my guy friends, deep platonic connections with women sometimes form more easily or organically than with other men. My friend Jesse, for example, says he's often "much more comfortable" talking about his emotions and sharing "deeply personal/sensitive things with women." My friend Sam feels similarly.

"I've always felt more [able] to be vulnerable around women . . . I find that it takes a looooong time to get men to open up to me," Sam tells me in a text message. "I think mutual vulnerability is the bedrock of any good relationship and that seems to be more embedded into female friendships. So I think I've partly ended up with more female friends than male friends simply because I'm impatient and haven't wanted to wait around for guys in my life to figure out that I want to talk to them, lol."

My friend Jack is skeptical of men with no women friends. But he points out that "men in our culture are not encouraged to foster platonic relationships with women" and therefore may not be bad dudes individually, just the result of systemic failures.

Emma, a woman friend of mine, tells me that her boyfriend's "diverse friendships" were attractive to her "off the bat" when they first met at a mutual friend's party. (That friend was a gay man.) "This sounds so bar-is-on-the-floor," she laughs, "but I immediately observed his relationship with this man and felt like he could get along with anyone of any gender expression and identity." In particular, her boyfriend's many friendships with women and queer folks have made her confident that he "sees women as people, not just moms and partners," she says.

Recently, Emma reshared a TikTok from comic and podcaster Dylan Palladino about how being in a relationship "fundamentally changes your reality." Palladino noted how none of his single guy friends had heard of Moo Deng, the world's most famous baby pygmy hippopotamus - meanwhile, his girlfriend has inundated him with Moo Deng content left and right.

"When I try to talk to my single friends about it, they have no idea what I'm talking about," he mused. "I texted one the other day and was like 'Yo, Moo Deng's so cute huh?' And he was like 'What are you talking about, is that a Malaysian dictator'? And I'm like, how do you not know about this hippo? But then I remember he's single, he is not in that world."

Emma reposted the video with a caption to the effect of: "We get it, you all have no female friends. Move on."

For a while many of us assumed that it went without saying, but having friends with different backgrounds - yes, even women! - has the potential to enrich life in countless ways. A steady stream of serotonin-boosting pygmy hippo videos is just the tip of the iceberg.

The Importance of Having a "Couch Friend"

Taylor Andrews — Wed, 27 Aug 2025 13:35:02 -0700

There's nothing better than having a couch friend. You know, the type of friend who you can be your full, authentic self with. This is the friend that you probably immediatetly texted first when you heard about the Tayvis engagement news. They don't care about what you look like or if you have last night's mascara smeared on your face, and they definitely don't judge you for the leftover Taco Bell wrappers on your coffee table. (Probably because they were there eating a Cheesy Gordita Crunch with you in the first place.)

Couch friends are the type who simply let you exist in your natural state. You don't have to be "on" with them, and there are no expectations or added pressure when you hang out. Whether you want to have a little gossip sesh or sit in complete silence on your phones, they're down for whichever vibe.

In a world where it's increasingly more difficult to make friends as an adult, couch friends are the type of people you don't want to take for granted. "They offer an opportunity to recharge - both mentally and emotionally - by providing a space where you don't have to worry about performing or meeting expectations," psychotherapist Attiya Awadallah says. And as it turns out, having this kind of friendship in your life might actually be more important than you think.

Experts Featured in This Article

Attiya Awadallah is a psychotherapist and the owner of Lenora: Art Therapy and Counseling.

What Is a Couch Friend?

As you'd expect from its name, a couch friend is someone who you could quite literally lay on the couch and do nothing with. You don't have to look presentable when you're with them nor do you have to force conversation. If anything, your time spent with a couch friend should feel easy and natural, even without plans or an agenda.

"A couch friend is someone you can share space with in complete comfort, where there's no pressure to talk, entertain, or be 'on,'" Awadallah says. When you're with them, you don't have to spend your time talking or doing any specific activity: sitting on the couch with each other is simply enough.

From a mental health perspective, having a couch friend is great for you. "These friendships offer a safe space to just 'be,' which can be incredibly important for people managing anxiety or dealing with the pressures of daily life," Awadallah says.

Why Couch Friends Are So Important

According to Awadallah, spending time with your couch friend can signal to your body that it's safe to relax. "Couch friends help activate the 'rest and digest' response in our nervous system, which directly counters the fight-or-flight response triggered by stress," she explains. This means that when you're around this person, you can recharge and lower your stress levels.

On an even deeper level though, couch friends can help you feel more secure and grounded in a world that often prioritizes productivity and constant interaction. Regardless of whether or not you identify as an introvert, most people need time to recharge and bed rot when they feel overwhelmed from work, school, or other stressful situations. But rotting with a couch friend, on the other hand, can help you feel less alone.

Unfortunately, not all of your friends will be couch friends - and that's OK. Some friends are better for big-group outings, while others will feel more comfortable with low-key hangs. To gauge which of your friends could be a couch friend, Awadallah recommends asking one to just come hang out. You could say something like, "I just want to relax today. Want to come hang out over here?" If they're down, you may have found yourself a couch friend. But don't feel like you have to force it.

The thing about couch friends is that it should feel easy. After all, couch friends are a reminder that "human connection isn't just about talking or doing - it's also about creating space to rest and feel understood without words," Awadallah says. Though it may take time to find these unique friendships, they're out there . . . whenever they're not on the couch, that is.

How "Relationship Anarchists" Are Redefining Modern Love

Erika W. Smith — Mon, 18 Aug 2025 07:35:02 -0700

You might have heard the term "relationship escalator" before - often used to describe the traditional progression of a romance from first date to monogamous relationship to moving in together to marriage to parenthood. But some people choose to never get on that relationship escalator. Instead, they may take the stairs, stay on one floor, hit the emergency "stop" button and jump off, or go down the escalator completely. This philosophy is what people refer to as "relationship anarchy."

Like the "living apart together" movement, relationship anarchy (sometimes called "RA") is a way of approaching connection outside the typical societal scripts. The only rule is that there are no rules. "The key concept is that no relationship should be bound by any rules not entirely agreed upon by the involved parties," Feeld's State of Dating report states.

In the report published in June, Feeld found that although the term "relationship anarchy" is still new, awareness of the approach itself is growing, particularly among Gen Z and younger millennials, the LGBTQ+ community, and those practicing ethical non-monogamy. After being given the definition of relationship anarchy, 20 percent of non-Feeld members and 50 percent of Feeld members said they are currently or had previously practiced it themselves.

Clearly, more and more people are starting to rethink what relationships can look like. But what does relationship anarchy really mean? And what are some of the benefits? Below, we spoke with actual relationship anarchists on the lifestyle.

What Is Relationship Anarchy?

The term relationship anarchy was popularized by self-described "genderqueer relationship hacker" Andie Nordgren in 2006. In Nordgren's description, relationship anarchy "questions the idea that love is a limited resource that can only be real if restricted to a couple." In this type of dynamic, people and relationships aren't ranked or compared, and "each relationship is independent."

In practice, the definition varies from person to person. For some, relationship anarchy means they treat non-romantic relationships - specifically close friendships and familial relationships - with as much care as romantic relationships. "I never thought that romantic relationships were inherently more important or should be focused on more than any other kind of relationship," relationship anarchist Christine Marie, 46, says. "I don't buy into traditional hierarchies. I value my friends as much, if not more than, my romantic relationships. To me, relationship anarchy is really about consciously creating relationships."

"I never thought that romantic relationships were inherently more important or should be focused on more than any other kind of relationship"

Many relationship anarchists are also polyamorous, but these are two overlapping circles - not synonyms. "Relationship anarchy is more about challenging conventional norms and hierarchy than it is about non-monogamy or monogamy," Marie says.

Ashley Wang, 27, a sexual health educator and pleasure activist, was introduced to the concept of relationship anarchy by a polyamorous partner. For her, relationship anarchy means centering personal freedom and treating all relationships with care and consideration. "I see polyamory and relationship anarchy as two sides of the same coin," she says. "I'm very happy identifying as solo poly, but that doesn't mean it's mutually exclusive with feelings, care, respect, or even love."

On the other hand, Maya, 26, who asked that we use only her first name, is monogamous and also identifies as a relationship anarchist. She discovered the term in lesbian spaces online and resonated with the politics. "We live in a heteropatriarchal society that puts so much emphasis on romantic relationships, particularly heterosexual relationships," she says. "For me, my relationship anarchy praxis and my feminist praxis are very connected. I don't have to conform to these ideas that our society has about what relationships are supposed to look like, especially as a woman and as a woman who dates men."

What Are the Benefits of Relationship Anarchy?

One of the main benefits of relationship anarchy is the ability to define exactly what you want in a relationship, rather than following the traditional "relationship escalator." Rosael Torres-Davis, 38, discovered relationship anarchy after a breakup while getting involved in her local polyamorous community in Philadelphia. She chronicles her journey on her Substack, "Love and Sex in Gritty City."

"I started asking myself, what do I really want in my relationships? What are my goals in life?" she tells Popsugar. "I realized I don't want to bring anybody to live with me, at least for the foreseeable future; it can change." She also likes the way relationship anarchy allows for changing needs and goals. "One thing about relationship anarchy is it's always flexible; it's always changing and evolving. I think that's the center of it."

For Maya, one benefit of relationship anarchy is the way it allows people to define their self-worth without regard to their relationship status. "I've separated myself from the idea that I need romantic partnership in order to feel fulfilled," she says. "Would it be nice to have one day? Yes. But ultimately, it's about unlearning the idea that a relationship is a prize."

Wang also adds that relationship anarchy affirms her queerness. "It's so intertwined with my queer identity," she says. "I'm at a point in my sexuality where fine is fine. If there's attraction or there's vibes, I'm here for it, same with my gender." Another bonus? There's no set timeline for relationship milestones. "I love that I get to be free and define [my relationships] on my own terms," Wang says.

What Are Some Things People Have to Consider as Relationship Anarchists?

One challenge of relationship anarchy is the fact that the term and the concept aren't yet mainstream, which means that relationship anarchists generally have to do a lot of explaining. "No one knows what you're talking about when you say it," Marie says. And once she's explained the idea, not everyone is on board. "There are some people who are very rigid about how they want their relationship to go, and they aren't willing to have constructive conversations about what works and what doesn't."

Maya points out that practicing relationship anarchy sometimes leads to distance from loved ones who have more traditional ideas about relationships. "I do sometimes feel disconnected from my friends who aren't aligned with that mindset," she says. "I also sometimes wonder what it's going to be like as my friends and I continue to get older and people pair off and get married and have kids and stuff. But, ultimately, I know that my journey is my journey, and just because it looks different from other people's doesn't mean it's wrong, or that theirs is wrong."

"I know that my journey is my journey, and just because it looks different from other people's doesn't mean it's wrong"

Balancing the time and emotional energy needed to nurture multiple relationships can also be a challenge. "You really have to like scheduling," Torres-Davis says. "But I like how it forces you to be very present because you're very intentional about how you want to spend time together." Challenges also come up with long-term planning: "For example, let's say we have a goal of buying a vacation home. If I'm not married to you, what does that financial planning look like? How do we make it fair?"

Is Relationship Anarchy Right For You?

Some people find that moving toward the traditional relationship escalator is what they want. But everyone can benefit from reflecting on why they want what they want. "Look inward and really evaluate what you want and how you feel versus what society at large is telling you to want and how you should feel," Maya says.

If relationship anarchy sounds appealing, trying it out doesn't mean you're locked in for life. "When it comes to dating, I say just try it," Torres-Davis says. "Give yourself time before putting any labels on it. And if you want to change your mind later on, you can."

Many people who prefer traditional relationships may find some of the ideas and values of relationship anarchy helpful. "Even if you are in a committed long-term relationship with just one person and you're happy and satisfied with it - which if you like it, I love it - you can still benefit from accepting that one single person cannot fulfill every single aspect of your life," Wang says. "Prioritizing your friends is like one of the biggest things that I always advocate for, as well as spending time with your family and spending time by yourself."

Erika W. Smith (she/her) is a freelance writer and editor who covers astrology, sex, relationships, lifestyle, and more. Her book series Astrosex was published in 2021.

Why Having a "Sleepover Friend" Is Simply the Best

Taylor Andrews — Mon, 28 Jul 2025 06:00:05 -0700

Hot take: there's no friend quite as important as the one you can have a sleepover with. Because while some friendships can be built on alcohol, trauma bonds, or general proximity, the strongest friendships may be built on pimple patches, morning breath, and similar circadian rhythms.

The "sleepover friend," as I like to call it, is a distinct dynamic: it's a bond that feels effortless, completely free of awkward silences and debilitating small talk. You can be completely yourself - retainer in, Adam Sandler shorts on, and zero worries about how you'll look when you wake up.

This friendship is more than just sharing a bed, though. With a sleepover friend, you're effortlessly in sync, always knowing when to fall asleep, when it's time to DoorDash, and when to leave without needing to be told. "They're the kind of friend who always feels welcome without ever overstaying," friendship expert Shari Leid says.

But just like you may not be able (or want) to travel with every friend, you also won't be able to have a sleepover with every friend in the group chat, which is perhaps what makes your sleepover friend even more special. Ahead, Leid explains why everyone needs this type of friendship in their life.

Experts Featured in This Article

Shari Leid is a friendship expert and life coach at An Imperfectly Perfect Life.

What Is a Sleepover Friend?

A mix between a couch friend and a VIP friend, a sleepover friend is someone with whom you can completely be yourself. "You don't feel the need to clean up, fix your hair, or stock the fridge before they come over," Leid says. "There's no pressure to entertain or watch the clock because your home feels like theirs and vice versa."

In some ways, a sleepover friend is like a platonic significant other or maybe even a long-lost sibling. Not only can you trust this person completely, but you can have any type of conversation with them - no matter how deep or surface-level. "They're not just a friend, they're your confidant, your safe space, and someone who truly knows the real you," Leid says.

Though you may have different requirements that you look for in a sleepover friend, here are some personality traits and characteristics that might make someone a good sleepover friend, according to Leid:

They're flexible and down for anything. If you want to stay up all night crashing out over your ex's new relationship, they're there. If you want to sleep early so you can hit up an early morning Pilates class, they're also there.
They make themselves at home - and not in an annoying way. You don't have to cater to them because they already know how to make themselves at home, like getting the coffee started in the morning or bringing over your favorite smoothie.
They offer unconditional support. Through the good and the bad, you can trust your sleepover friend with anything. (You also won't find them ever snooping through your medicine cabinet.)
You share similar routines and lifestyles. Whether you're a morning riser or night owl, they're probably the same.
Their presence is comforting to you. In other words, you don't have to try when you're around them. Conversation and silence are both easy and effortless.

The Importance of Having a Sleepover Friend

A sleepover friend may be the most intimate friendship you have in your life (but not in a sexual way). These types of friends simply get you and love you for who you are. "They offer the kind of comfort and unconditional support we hope for in a family," Leid says. "Having someone like that in your life nurtures your heart and soul in a way that reminds you you're never alone."

When you don't want to be deep, they are the perfect person to make TikTok dances or eat pints of ice cream with. But when you are struggling with something, they shift into dad-friend mode and will be there for you in a heartbeat.

Of course, it's hard to naturally get to this level with someone. But if you don't have a sleepover friend yet, Leid encourages you to make it a goal to find one. Yes, it may take time, but the friendship benefits are worth sharing the bed for. "You'll be amazed at how it deepens your life and theirs," she says. "It's the difference between being a guest in someone's life and truly doing life together."

Taylor Andrews (she/her) is the balance editor at Popsugar, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With seven years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.

What Is Negging? Experts Explain This Form of Emotional Manipulation

Emma Glassman-Hughes — Mon, 30 Jun 2025 13:50:02 -0700

Picture this: It's been a week of messaging with a match and you finally set up a date. You settle on an outfit, do your hair, slick on a subtle lip tint. At the bar, you spot them right away: leather jacket, stirring a negroni. You approach, engage in the awkward to-hug-or-not-to-hug dance, take a seat. Smile. Adjust your top. They look you up and down, give the negroni another stir, and say, "Wow, nice shirt. Did your mom pick that out for you?"

Ha ha. Very funny. You're laughing, and then you're not. Suddenly you're self-conscious. You specifically chose this polka dot mock-neck tee because you thought it was cute but sexy, without going overboard! How are you supposed to focus on the rest of this date while you're replaying every fashion choice you've made since middle school on a loop in your head, critiquing each one with the white hot cruelty of Tyra Banks on "America's Next Top Model"?

Take a breath, my friend. You have just been negged.

Yes, repartee is important - and the desire for banter among people who go on dates is only growing. Just ask US Tinder users, who, according to the Los Angeles Times, have listed "banter" on their profiles 7 percent more frequently since 2022. (Or ask any contestant on "Love Island.") But in a situation like this, what might have been meant as a flirty observation instead came across as disparaging - a form of derogatory communication known as negging.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what's negging and what's just good old fashioned flirting, but experts say the difference lies in the speaker's intent. Negging crosses a line into emotional manipulation because it's intended to take another person down a peg. It uses humor and back-handed compliments to trigger someone's insecurities, giving the speaker the upper hand.

"In a clinical sense, [negging] is a microaggression," psychotherapist Elisabeth Crain, PsyD, tells PS. "It sounds nice initially but there's a zinger attached to it. It's a tiny, subtle hint of something that is intended to make somebody feel bad, but it's not overt. And it can be packaged quite nicely, which can be confusing for people."

In romantic settings, negging is a device used to make another person feel bad about themselves so that they'll be more likely to work for your approval. But not all sarcastic, quippy humor qualifies as negging (thank god). We asked two experts to break down the meaning of negging, its potential to do harm, and the differences between emotional manipulation and good-hearted banter.

Experts Featured in This Article

Elisabeth Crain, PsyD, is a psychotherapist.

Claudia Johnson, LMFT, is a certified sex therapist and sexologist.

What Is Negging?

The origin of the term negging is enough to raise some serious suspicion about its legitimacy within dating and relationships. It was coined by the "Pick-Up Artists" of the early 2000s, and described in a 2004 New York Times essay by one of their own as "neither a compliment nor an insult," but a negative comment with two purposes: "to momentarily lower a woman's self-esteem and to suggest an intriguing disinterest." The negging example given in that essay? "Nice nails. Are they real? No? Oh, they look nice anyway."

Because its loudest practitioners are men, people primarily assume negging is a male behavior acted out upon women. On Reddit, a group called Women Dating Over Forty has a thread titled "What is negging?" in which the authors of the post write, "'Negging' is giving backhanded compliments or comments toward another person (usually a female)."

In truth, anyone can neg, regardless of gender, says sex therapist Claudia Johnson, LMFT. But negging might be more commonly used by those socialized as male because men generally have fewer tools for communication at their disposal.

"Oftentimes, women have more opportunities to expand on their emotional vocabulary than guys," Johnson says. (To paraphrase Tony Soprano: "We're just bustin' balls!")

"They make fun of each other, that's a way to connect," she says. It's a generalization, sure, but a lot of times men have less access to their emotions and rely on humor or insults to establish intimacy. "If guys don't have that same opportunity to be vulnerable and compliment one another, some of the ways they're trying to connect may be seen as negging."

Negging vs. Banter

Because of its proximity to flirtation, some people claim to enjoy being negged. A 2023 essay in defense of negging from The Cut describes the behavior as a "method of building intimacy without being too earnest, too cheesy, or God forbid, love bombing."

Jordana Abraham, host of the dating podcast "U Up?," told The Cut, "People appreciate the idea of keeping it light or keeping it funny, feeling like someone can share a similar sense of humor. Being made fun of a little bit about something can bring two people together, like they're almost in on an inside joke."

Lighthearted jabs and recreational insults can offer mental and verbal stimulation for some, Johnson admits. And there's no doubt that humor is a really useful mechanism to build new interpersonal connections. "Humor is a great way to regulate our nervous system, to find levity, and to connect. It's one of our great tools [for] disarming defensiveness or conflict," Johnson says.

But all of that can be accomplished without actively trying to sabotage another person's self-worth. Banter is like tennis: You volley until someone runs out of funny quips and then you move on to the next subject. But in negging, there is no back and forth. It's one-sided. And it's designed to make the other person feel less-than and in need of validation.

What differentiates negging from banter, Johnson says, is that the two parties are "not necessarily on equal footing." Flirtatious banter builds intimacy. It's inviting, it's collaborative. Whereas negging, which is calculated, can destroy a person's self-esteem.

How Do I know If I'm Being Negged or Negging?

Because everyone has different tastes and sensitivities, red flags to watch for around negging are less about what is said and more about how it makes a person feel.

"It's the subtext," Dr. Crain says. "Does that feel supportive or does that feel like they're being hard on you? The line is going to be person-dependent. For some people there's maybe a higher threshold."

Much of what qualifies negging as emotional manipulation is its subtlety. Because the insult is often wrapped in humor, the person being negged might blame themselves for being oversensitive or unable to take a joke. But microaggressions like negging are cumulative, Dr. Crain says, and they do the most harm over time. "When you're constantly zinging people on the daily, that could erode a relationship," she adds.

Still, tons of romantic hopefuls rely on sarcastic humor to do their flirting. If you're one of them, no need to panic, Johnson assures. You're not automatically negging; that will depend on how you respond to feedback about your comments.

Ultimately, Johnson says, if someone is feeling bad, they have the right to say exactly that. The other person's reaction will be a good indication of whether they were truly negging or just making a clumsy attempt to flirt.

"A great compass is to ask, 'Would I feel OK and comfortable if somebody said the same thing back to me?'" Johnson offers. The golden rule still applies, after all, even two or three negronis in.

Why Gen Z Is Bringing Matchmaking Back

Yoonji Han — Thu, 12 Jun 2025 13:15:02 -0700

On her first date with her now-fiancé, Lawren Saunders did something a little different. Following the advice of her matchmaker, the then-25-year-old ditched the six-inch heels, false lashes, and wig she usually wore on first dates, opting instead for comfortable sandals and a jean jacket she wore regularly.

Earlier that year, Saunders had reached out to matchmaker Alexis Germany Fox after hearing her friend rave about her relationship savvy. Like many other Gen Z singles, Saunders felt burned out by years of being on the dating apps, and was looking for what she described as a more "authentic" way of meeting people.

"I was swiping and revamping my profile, not knowing what to say on my prompts and matching with weird people," Saunders, now 27, says. "On a dating app, it's difficult to figure out how you want to present yourself or how to read other people. It seems very superficial since you're going off someone's best photo or best one-liner."

Saunders isn't the only Gen Zer turning to matchmaking for more intentional connections. Germany Fox says she saw a 35 percent increase in Gen Z clients post-2021 compared to pre-2021, pointing to the pandemic as a turning point. Another matchmaking company, Three Day Rule, says it's had nearly 50 clients who are 27 or younger in the past year - around five times its usual annual roster of fewer than 10 clients of the same demographic.

"My Gen Z clients say they come to me because dating apps are dead, that the waters are polluted and they're getting ghosted or catfished," Germany Fox says, describing how her clients have struggled to find people who can communicate effectively and build a foundation for a healthy relationship. "Everybody wants to write off Gen Z as being so unserious about everything, but there are a lot of them who are seeking these real, more old-fashioned types of relationships," Germany Fox adds. As a matchmaker, she invests time in getting to know each of her clients through questionnaires and one-to-one conversations.

Experts Featured in This Article

Alexis Germany Fox is a matchmaker and dating expert specializing in individualized date coaching.

Aditi Paul, PhD, is a researcher, professor, and author of "The Current Collegiate Hookup Culture."

Saunders followed Germany Fox's "Rule of Three" principle to narrow down the top three traits she sought in a partner: loyalty, an adventurous streak, and spirituality and faith. These traits should be value-based rather than physical or material ones like looks or finances, according to Germany Fox. Germany Fox then uses her understanding of her client and their desired qualities to match them with other clients or, failing that, people she meets at events or on social media.

Saunders went on about seven first dates through Germany Fox before she met her now-fiancé - dates she describes as much more meaningful than the ones she'd gone on through dating apps. "Working with a matchmaker, it was a different dating pool," Saunders says. "If I'm meeting someone through [Germany Fox], I know they've already gone through the process of talking with her and figuring out what they're looking for in a relationship."

Modern-day matchmaking has also expanded to novel formats like live dating shows, offering a fresh experience for singles craving in-person connection. When colleges reopened their campuses in the fall of 2020, Jackson Beer was buzzed by the idea of meeting people outside the confines of a digital world. They'd been on the apps but found text messages a limiting format to express themselves fully.

"As someone who is struggling with ideas of gender and sexuality, meeting people in person makes me feel more permission to pursue those identities," says Beer, who identifies as pansexual and uses the pronouns he/she/they.

But social distancing rules on campus and an unsavory encounter with bigotry while out at a club only reopened old wounds of uncertainty and rejection, leading Beer to consider other ways of finding matches. This year in March, they went on Tinder Disrupt, a live dating show in Brooklyn, where friends pitch contestants on stage and answer hard-hitting questions like, "Would you rather hook up with Dave Chappelle or J.K. Rowling?" and "What do you miss the most about your ex?"

"It felt more real. It put more of the onus on people to be honest and up front," Beer, now 23, says. "It was kind of like an in-between of dating apps and meeting someone organically."

Tinder Disrupt originally began as a satire of tech culture in San Francisco, but has since evolved into a much more earnest dating show, according to Rose Oser, the event's creator and host. Part of the reason for this shift is that people, especially younger singles, are burned out from dating apps and digital communication more broadly, she adds. Another is the idea of endorsement - something you would get from a trusted third-party, like a friend or matchmaker. "It's one thing to vet people, and another to find people who are endorsed," Oser tells PS.

While Beer unfortunately didn't hit it off with anybody at Tinder Disrupt, they say they're open to attending more matchmaking events. "I crave the idea of a matchmaker as being an intermediary who also has a kind of credibility to be like, 'Hey, I want you to meet this person, because I know these things about you and I know these things about them, and I think you guys would mingle,'" they say. "It takes that initial awkwardness out to give myself permission to feel a bit more comfortable with somebody."

Matchmaking can have its limitations, given it traditionally favors the majority, whether that's someone who's heterosexual or non-disabled, online dating researcher Aditi Paul, PhD, points out. But Gen Z's renewed interest in meeting people offline opens up the possibility for more diverse matchmaking. Tinder Disrupt frequently showcases contestants with underrepresented identities, and Germany Fox says her clients come from diverse backgrounds.

"No one tells us how to date. No one gives a rulebook."

The return of matchmaking and other in-person forms of dating doesn't necessarily spell doom for dating apps. Instead, experts predict a shift toward hybridized approaches like app-facilitated in-person events and matchmaking via friends - something major apps like Hinge and Tinder are already experimenting with.

"Sometimes, we are more ourselves online," Dr. Paul says, pointing to the existence of finstas and the memes friends send to one another with exclamations of self-identification ("so me!"). By baking these sorts of organic online behaviors into the dating space, Gen Zers can find a natural way to express themselves most authentically, according to Dr. Paul.

As for Saunders, who got engaged to the man Germany Fox set her up with in March, she envisions a dating landscape that's still online, but with more guidance throughout the process. "No one tells us how to date. No one gives a rulebook," she says. "So it's important to talk to somebody who can give you that guidance. It's the best thing that I did."

Yoonji Han is a New York-based writer and journalist. She primarily writes about culture, human interest issues, and communities both nationally and internationally, and was most recently an award-winning reporter covering race and identity at Business Insider.

All Hail the "Dad Friend" of the Group

Taylor Andrews — Wed, 11 Jun 2025 06:05:02 -0700

Every friend group has a "dad friend." But the best part? You don't even have to be a dad. In fact, being the dad friend actually has nothing to do with your age, gender, or parental status.

Similar to a couch friend, bonus friend, or VIP friend, the dad friend is an archetype that nearly every group is likely familiar with. Part protector, part problem solver, the dad friend will always make sure you're on time to the airport . . . even if it means you're two hours too early. They're also likely the one you can count on to mount a TV, fill up your gas tank, or take care of the spider in your room.

But on a deeper level, the dad friend is the person you can turn to for help no matter what, friendship expert Jillian Amodio, LMSW, says. You call them and they're there, which is perhaps one of the biggest reasons why everyone needs a dad friend in their life. More on that below.

Experts Featured in This Article

Jillian Amodio, LMSW, is a licensed social worker at Waypoint Wellness Center, which offers therapy and medication management.

What Is a Dad Friend?

"This term applies to the friend who is the caretaker, problem solver, or who often feels parentified in some way," Amodio says. "They are the 'take charge' handlers."

Not to be confused with a "mom friend," who may be way more nurturing, compassionate, and wants to know if you've made it home safely, a dad friend often tells it like it is. Yes, they're dependable, but they're also not overly involved in the emotions of your life. When they do step in, though, they're down to help you figure out anything - usually accompanied by a smile and bad joke or two.

Though the dad friend can look different for every friend group, here are some signs you could be the dad friend, according to Amodio.

You are calm under pressure. For you, a random flat tire is no biggie.
You are resourceful. You know how to pitch a tent and put together Ikea furniture like it's nothing.
You're the logistics person of the group. You figure out the fastest driving route to your destination, and you won't commit to cooking any food before making sure the grill works first.
You enjoy making people laugh. You might even tell your waiter you hated your meal after you've basically licked the plate clean.
You are dependable. You may not be the best person to talk with about feelings or emotions, but if someone needs help, you're there.

Why Dad Friends Are So Important

The dad friend plays a critical role in every friend group. Bringing a laid-back, dependable energy, they can handle problems without being overly dramatic, and they can step up to the plate when plans get derailed. As Amodio adds, "They tend to be the ones who can pull everyone together and handle emergencies."

But perhaps most importantly, dad friends are the quiet saviors of the group. They're the ones who show up because they care - not because they want attention or praise or to be considered a "good friend." Through acts of service, they show their love by fixing things, carrying the heavy stuff, or just being there when no one else knows what to do.

Though it may take time to find a friendship like this, once you have a dad friend, trust that you can rest easy knowing you'll never have to worry about pretty much anything again. (Translation: your gas and jumper cables will always be taken care of.)

Taylor Andrews (she/her) is the balance editor at PS, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With seven years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.

When Did We Start Calling Every Ex a Narcissist?

Molly Longman — Mon, 09 Jun 2025 17:10:02 -0700

At the beginning of Donald Trump's hush money trial in New York, one prospective juror was ultimately dismissed for calling the former president a "narcissist" in an old social media post, per The Hill. She certainly wasn't the first person to call him that: psychologist Mary Trump also speculated in her 2020 book that her estranged uncle was a pathological narcissist.

And while there's no public medical record of such a diagnosis, therapist Israa Nasir, MHC, says this was a pivotal moment for the narcissist label. "I'd say before 2020, people were not using this word at all outside of therapy circles," she tells PS. "Now, I hear people in my personal life use it while describing relationships, dates gone wrong, as well as in therapeutic environments while talking about their parents. The term has proved super sticky, and has quickly skyrocketed into our public consciousness.

Now, it feels like the phrase is everywhere. Beyond politics, tips for dealing with and spotting narcissists are all over TikTok. The diagnosis is also being flung around on reality television, particularly on shows like "The Valley" and "Vanderpump Rules," and research recently found a compelling connection to the emergence of the "ick" in relationships. It's seeped into our culture like piping hot tea, and has given us language to describe our worst exes and frenemies while we're pouring it.

When someone seriously wrongs us, it's natural to want to understand why, which makes it easy to stamp "narcissist" on their forehead and move on. It's also helpful language because it sounds bad enough that people take you seriously. "Saying a friend or partner is 'selfish' doesn't quite paint the picture that 'narcissist' does in terms of showcasing the intensity of the problem and the pain," explains psychotherapist Courtney Tracy, LCSW, PsyD.

Language and labels are helpful but they can also become overwrought. Anytime a phrase like this becomes so prevalent, it's worth questioning if we're using it correctly - or way too much.

Experts Featured in This Article

Israa Nasir, MHC, is a therapist, speaker, and author of the book "Toxic Productivity."

Courtney Tracy, LCSW, PsyD, is a psychotherapist and founder of Exist Centers for mental health and substance use treatment.

Is the Narcissist Label Overused?

"Absolutely," it is, according to both experts we interviewed. Dr. Tracy suggests we're using the label as an umbrella term to describe aspects of a person we don't like, "things like selfishness, greed, pride, disrespect, and egotistical behavior," she adds.

This is a big deal because, if you're not a trained professional, it can be hard to differentiate between "bad behavior, narcissistic traits, and narcissistic personality," Nasir says. Those are three very different things. It's the true mythologization of a condition already inspired by literal mythology (Narcissus was the subject of ancient Greek lore about a beautiful hunter who is cursed into falling in love with his own reflection in a pool of water).

You can act like a jerk without having a serious mental health condition. Running an hour late is disrespectful of people's time, and constantly turning the conversation back to you makes you a grade-A Carrie Bradshaw. But those are just asshole moves - they don't make someone a narcissist, at least not on their own.

Having "narcissistic traits" also doesn't make someone a narcissist. Such traits include gaslighting, arrogance, emotional manipulation, grandiosity, and a sense of entitlement. "These are standalone behaviors," Nasir says. "In order to be with a true narcissist, you need to meet the criteria for the personality disorder."

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a serious and complex mental health condition. It generally means someone has a high sense of their own importance, and a hard time understanding or considering the feelings of others. Someone with a diagnosis might act larger than life and have little empathy.

Unlike having just a few of the traits we mentioned before, like arrogance, all these various traits are coalescing and impacting all aspects of a narcissist's life. Often, the classic assertiveness and star power is also masking insecurities or low self-esteem, The Scientific American notes.

The condition typically "affects judgment, impulse control, empathy, and identity," Dr. Tracy explains. "True diagnosed narcissists have extreme difficulty changing their behaviors, even if they want to change." She adds, "People with a personality disorder are consistent in most situations, with most people, during most times. It's persistent, pervasive, extremely-difficult-to-change personality and behavior."

How Common Is Narcissism Actually?

A 2013 review in Current Opinion in Psychiatry says narcissism only affects about 0.5 to 5 percent of the US population, but there are some varying stats out there because it's not always fully diagnosed, Nasir says.

That's partly because mental health professionals tend to avoid the official diagnosis, as it can really follow people throughout their lives. "Your therapist's notes can be subpoenaed any time by a court, and the diagnosis can be used against you in a very powerful way," Nasir says. It could ultimately impact everything from jobs to custody battles, which is why "clinicians are very, very careful about giving people the diagnosis."

Still, personality disorders in general are pretty rare, Nasir says. That means, a "majority of people who are being labeled as narcissists likely aren't," Dr. Tracy says.

The Impacts of Overusing the Narcissist Label

Though an easy way to categorize people who kind of suck or have caused harm, narcissism isn't "something to throw around as a casual term," Dr. Tracy notes. "Although to be fair, people aren't usually talking about 'casual' events or situations when calling someone a narcissist."

But even if you're using the phrase to help your besties understand the heartbreak you felt after a fling with your own personal version of Matty Healy (we can't all be as poetic as Taylor), it can cause negative consequences.

Although Nasir doubts that overuse of the label could lead to true "over-diagnosis" of NPD (mostly because physicians are so cautious about the official label), it can have other negative consequences. "Overusing 'narcissist' can dilute the seriousness of the condition, potentially stigmatizing those who genuinely have NPD, and making it harder for them to seek or receive sympathy, empathy, and help," Dr. Tracy says.

It's a big accusation, which can feel quite hurtful if the "narcissism" bomb is hurled your way, Nasir says, and it can trivialize the experiences of people who've been harmed by people who actually have NPD.

"People want to pathologize everything."

On the other hand, Nasir notes that people who've been in relationships with narcissists may actually find the proliferation of the term "validating." Because these relationships can involve manipulation and abuse, "the gaslighting can be so powerful they're not realizing what's actually happening," Nasir says. "It can be a confusing environment, and now that it's being talked about and written about more . . . it's giving people language and understanding of: oh shit, that's what's happening. It's not me."

In general, "people want to pathologize everything, which can help us understand human emotions better," Nasir adds. "It's positive that we're increasing in our emotional vocabulary and awareness, but we are forgetting that everything exists on a spectrum and there needs to be a very deep pattern to make someone a full-blown narcissist."

How to Curb the Casual Use of "Narcissist"

Don't beat yourself up if you're realizing you've been over-dramatic in your use of this term before. "Humans need language to describe their experiences," Dr. Tracy acknowledges. Again, when we're being treated poorly, our brains grasp for any language that can convey our anguish or frustration. And yes, we might even take to TikTok or another platform to broadcast those bruised feelings. "People hurt people, and the hurt people need a place to talk about it," she adds.

Dr. Tracy suggests asking yourself these questions before calling someone a narcissist:

Does this person always act like this with everyone or are there exceptions (that don't seem intentional or manipulative)?
Can the person take feedback or criticism or does it seem impossible for them to self-reflect?
How often does the person specifically need admiration, attention, and to be the center of everything?
Does this person show empathy for some people and not others . . . or no one?
Does this person have an accurate view of themselves or is it inflated?

Even if they meet a lot of these criteria, "just like you wouldn't diagnose someone with cancer because you're not a doctor, you should probably stick to just describing the symptoms or behaviors and how they're affecting you," Dr. Tracy adds. "If you really believe someone in your life is a narcissist, be compassionate toward them, if appropriate, and keep yourself safe. And, please know they can get better."

With all that said, if you hear a good friend describe someone as a narcissist though, you don't need to correct them. "It's better to be more curious and ask questions," Nasir says. If your friend's relationship does have a pattern of control or abuse, it's not worth splitting hairs over terminology or invalidating their feelings. Instead, look for ways to support them.

Wait, Am I a Narcissist?

If you're asking that question, the answer is probably no. "A narcissist who is truly a narcissist will never stop to question that," Nasir says. "It's just not how they operate. True narcissism is such a complex mental framework where it's never your fault."

However, if you do notice some patterns or traits in your own behavior that you may want to change, the first step is acknowledging it. "If you are judging yourself, you're never going to work through it," Nasir says.

You can start by investigating and asking the people in your life if they've noticed this negative habit from you as well (to make sure you're not being hard on yourself and making more out of a singular situation). Then, find small ways to change the habit. You can work on this with a therapist, or buy a self-help book on the topic after doing some research.

One go-to way to change behaviors? "One of the smallest things we can change is learning how to respond to conflict instead of reacting," Nasir says. "People who might have some narcissistic traits are very reactive." But you can change that by training yourself to take a few beats before you respond to feedback, responding deliberately rather than through instinct. Nasir also has a worksheet on her approach to changing behavior.

As Dr. Tracy so eloquently put it: "People who are just assholes simply need to start caring more about other people. People with narcissistic personality disorder need a therapist."

Molly Longman is a freelance journalist who loves to tell stories at the intersection of health and politics.

The $6,100 Cost of Being in a Long-Distance Relationship

Andi Breitowich — Fri, 06 Jun 2025 05:55:01 -0700

Welcome to Show the Receipts, a series where we ask interesting people to share exactly how much it costs to get shit done. No matter the task, we're tracking every last dollar from start to finish. Up next: being in a long-distance relationship.

When my boyfriend and I graduated college, there was never a discussion around whether we would stay together despite living in different cities: I was going to my dream graduate school in Chicago, and Adam was going to his dream job at ESPN in Connecticut. We were excited for each other and knew we would make our relationship work no matter what.

As our time living in the same city came to a close, I remember people used to ask if we were "doing long-distance." I wasn't offended by their curiosity, but the question always caught me off guard. Yes, the idea of not being physically together as much was sad, but to us, the alternative of not being together at all was sadder. In a way, distance meant so little when our relationship meant so much.

Now, it's no secret a long-distance relationship requires work, trust, an unlimited data plan for open and endless communication, and a shared end goal, but it also takes serious financial commitment.

Here's the cost breakdown. (And full disclosure: a relationship is obviously a two-way street, and the following cost breakdown represents only my personal spending.)

Task: Being in a long-distance relationship
Occupation: Freelance writer
Location: Chicago
Timeline: One year (April 2024 to April 2025)

The Receipts

Airfare: $2,970
Transportation: $980
Food and drink: $1,000
Accommodations: $700
Workout classes: $450
Total: $6,100

How I Did It

Every relationship is different, but Adam and I aim to see each other at least once a month, give or take. We never keep score on who visits who, but I either fly to Connecticut, he flies to Chicago, or we meet somewhere entirely different to visit family, attend a wedding, or take a trip. Since we're apart more than we are together, it doesn't matter where we are geographically - it's just about being together, whether that's for two days or two weeks.

Where I Splurge

I technically don't need a car while visiting Connecticut, but since Adam takes his to work, I always rent one. Uber is available, but they tend to be limited and pricey, so I splurge for a rental car for my entire stay. I never like to feel immobile, so a rental car allows me the ability to go somewhere, if needed or wanted.

I also splurge on Solidcore workout classes. I have a Solidcore membership in Chicago, but it (annoyingly) doesn't transfer cities, so I typically purchase a second Connecticut-based class package. It's not a necessity, but it makes me happy and provides some semblance of routine. Adam is also a recent Solidcore convert, so we enjoy taking a class together as a date of sorts.

On that note, it often feels like Adam and I have to make up for lost time when we're together, so the cost of food and drink does rack up. Most days, we go out for coffee and/or a meal. We're aware cooking at home would be a more cost-effective option, but we like to splurge on the experience of going out. In our long-distance relationship, I've found that dates are about quality over quantity (though that's not to say you can't have a quality date at home).

Where I Save

The Hartford, CT, airport is small, so flights to and from Chicago tend to be expensive given there are fewer options. That said, I work remotely, so I have the luxury of booking weekday afternoon flights, which tend to be less exorbitant than, say, a Saturday morning. It's still pricey, but purchasing an off-peak flight is generally a better deal. I also have two airline credit cards so I accumulate miles and can check a bag for free.

I also completely save on accommodations in Connecticut since I stay with Adam. Occasionally we'll travel and book a hotel or Airbnb, but in that case, we split the cost.

Surprising Expenses

After more than four years of long-distance, I certainly know my way around Orbitz and Google Flights, but I will never get over the range of airfare pricing. An average flight from Chicago to Hartford costs around $400 round trip, though I have spent as little as $200 and as much as $600. You'd think higher ticket prices would correlate to busier seasons, like the holidays or spring break, but that's not always the case. It's shocking when flights for a seemingly random weekend cost double the average.

Oh, and I'm consistently surprised when in-flight WiFi costs more than $10. Again, not a necessity, but since flights during the workday are typically less expensive, I try to maximize my time.

How I Budget

In full transparency, I'm not a strict budgeter, especially when what's at stake is time with someone I love and miss. However, my airfare budget is loosely capped; for my own financial stability, I've determined I'm unable to purchase a round-trip flight for more than $650 (especially if it's only for a weekend trip). Adam and I do our best to see each other once a month, but if flights just aren't feasible, we'll wait a few extra weeks. It's not ideal, but you have to draw the line somewhere.

Final Thoughts

I understand a long-distance relationship is not for everyone, but in my experience, it's worth every penny. It can certainly be expensive and vary in cost depending on the distance and situation, but I like to think of the consistent financial commitment as an expression of love.

Andi Breitowich is a Chicago-based freelance writer and graduate from Emory University and Northwestern University's Medill School of Journalism. Her work has appeared in PS, Women's Health, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.

I Never Opened My Marriage, It's Just Always Been That Way

Hayley Folk — Thu, 29 May 2025 16:35:02 -0700

"I'm in an open relationship," I say often. Chances are, folks who've read my work already know this, but for those who haven't, I always say it for good measure. The term "open relationship" is listed in all my dating app bios, like Feeld, for example, and whenever I meet anyone, regardless of romantic interest or not, I mention it because it's part of who I am.

If I meet someone who I find extra interesting, though, I usually find a casual, cool way to slip it in conversation to let them know that I'm interested. (Wink.) But for all the years the term has been intimately ingrained in my life, I've noticed something: the term implies that to be "open," you must have been "closed" in the first place. But I wouldn't know about that: my husband and I have never been monogamous.

For most couples who are looking to explore ethical, consensual nonmonogamy, an open relationship is where their minds go - that or swingers. But the umbrella of ENM encompasses much more than that: monogamish, polyamorous, hierarchical polyamory, throuplehood, in addition to, yes, open relationships and swinging.

And while there aren't many statistics (yet) to show it, it's safe to assume that most couples start in a monogamous relationship before moving to one that falls under ENM. After all, our society is primed to start there, leaving little room for anything outside of the norm. Luckily, we live in a time where it doesn't mean we have to stay in the confines of it.

When I say, "I'm in an open relationship," it always brings up questions: How did you open up? What does it take to open up your marriage? How did you get to this place in nonmonogamy? My answer, to most people's surprise, is that we started out in an open relationship.

I've known my husband for a long time. We met over eight years ago now, starting out as friends and only friends. See, he was a bit of a self-proclaimed Fuck Boy, traveling the world for work and rarely available. Plus, it didn't help that I was in a long-term relationship with someone else. That someone ended up proposing to me when I was 22, and we married the following year. Unfortunately, for me, though, I found out the hard way that the someone-else wasn't the right someone for me. Long story short, I had newly discovered I was bisexual, and I needed something else in a partnership, so I left.

After my separation, I started casually fucking my now-husband, with both of us having zero intention of something serious. Emphasis on "zero." After all, we were just friends; friends who were deeply attracted to each other, of course.

During our rendezvous in hotel rooms or trips to Joshua Tree together, I found myself telling him stories of my other sexcapades, my infatuation with women, and how encouraging it felt to say everything out loud. He'd tell me about his adventures with other partners too, and I loved hearing every detail.

Now, remember, we were friends before we ever fucked. There was no script, or being on your best behavior the way new couples sometimes have to be, because we already knew and trusted each other. Neither of our truths scared each other away. It was fun to be promiscuous, to be free, to be open. It helped that we were just sleeping together, removing any expectations for something more. Until, of course, we felt something more.

About a year into our non-committal, casual situationship, I realized what I really wanted: an open, polyamorous relationship with him. I didn't say that, though. I was nervous to ask for something more, something serious. Instead, I told him I wanted to see him more, and we naturally fell into a more committed relationship over time. We did couples things, like having a drawer ready at each other's apartments and going on trips together. We talked to each other all day.

At some point, we did recognize and start using the term "open relationship" to describe us as a unit, but it never felt like a big deal. As we got closer, and our relationship reached new depths, neither of us felt like it was a point of contention or something that needed to go away. It was just a part of our relationship. For me, I realized I've always been nonmonogamous on some level, but didn't have the words to describe it, much less partners who would accept it. For him, he felt like he'd always tried to fit himself inside the box of monogamy, and he realized it didn't have to be that way. We could be together, and share our lives in a meaningful way, and still be with other partners.

I want to acknowledge that, yes, we are very privileged to have the relationship dynamic we have. When we entered the ENM community, we hadn't experienced the same struggles other exploring couples might: going from closed to open, dealing with sharing your partner for the first time, navigating jealousy, wondering which labels work and which don't.

In many ways, because we've always been open, we skated through a lot of the hardship that can come with initial nonmonogamous couplehood, which in turn allowed us to experience the greater joys that usually come after years of nonmonogamy: to feel completely secure, uplifted, and seen by your partner in a real way. Sure, we've had our own challenges - particularly in navigating the one-penis policy, where a woman can only sleep with other women but not men - but we were able to work through them with conversation, access to an ENM-specialized couples therapist, and a deep desire to know one another more.

My forever partner - even if we have other partners, too.

We don't have to hide anything from one another, we can experience our sexualities freely and fully, and above all else, we know that we truly love each other for all that we are. For me, being open isn't just about sleeping with other people or going on dates. Being open isn't about flirting in a coffee shop, swiping on someone new, or even going to sex parties with my husband. For me, it's about being able to acknowledge who I am and what I desire, knowing I won't be judged for it. I can be transparent and honest with my husband in a way I could never be honest with any partner I'd ever had before, and that alone made me realize he was the one for me: my forever partner - even if we have other partners, too.

We've been fucking for five years, in love for four years, and married for two months. Yes, we're ethically nonmonogamous. Yes, we date together. Yes, we date separately. Yes, I know about you and he knows about you. We're in love. We're committed. We're playful. We're open. We're all the things I was searching for.

Hayley Folk (she/her) is a freelance writer, editor, and podcast host based in New York City. She is the host of the "Naked Folk" podcast - a sexual wellness and relationships podcast - and she writes for major publications about the LGBTQ+ community, travel, lifestyle, sex, and wellness. In 2022, she received her master of fine arts in creative writing from The New School.