You want sex. Your partner wants sex. But why does it feel like things still aren't working? It could be because of conflicting "initiation types."

Think of your initiation type as how you let your partner know you're DTF. It's the approach you naturally take when you're horny, but it's also how you want your partner to approach you. Maybe you're someone who likes to run a bath and offer an erotic massage [1]. Perhaps you're someone who can lock eyes with your partner and immediately know it's on. Wherever you fall, understanding your initiation type could be the key to better and more frequent sex [2].

According to sex expert Hannah Deindorfer (also known as the "Libido Fairy" on socials), there are five main initiation types: sensual initiation, direct initiation, physical initiation, emotional initiation, and playful initiation. And similar to knowing your erotic persona [3] and desire type [4], finding out your initiation type can be very important for your bed chem.

But how do you find your initiation type? And what does each initiation type mean? Deindorfer explains below, plus how to sync up your initiation type with your partner's.

Experts Featured in This Article

Hannah Deindorfer [5], also known as the "Libido Fairy," is a sex expert and host of "The Libido Fairy [6]" podcast.

What Is an Initiation Type?

"Your initiation type is the unique way you want to be invited into sex or intimacy," Deindorfer says. It's also the way you prefer to initiate sex yourself. According to Deindorfer, there are five different initiation types: sensual, direct, physical, emotional, and playful. Let's get into the differences.

• Sensual initiation. "You're turned on by things that indulge your senses in the lead-up to sex," Deindorfer says. This looks like lighting candles, putting on a sex playlist [7], or running a bath, for instance.
• Direct initiation. As the name implies, direct initiation is, well, direct. "You want to be just invited directly, specifically with verbal communication," Deindorfer says.
• Physical initiation. Similar to sensual initiation, the physical initiation type focuses on wanting to be touched a certain way. In the bedroom, this translates to back rubs, caressing, kissing, cuddling, and more.
• Emotional initiation. Prior to having sex, you need an emotional warm-up first. "This can be something romantic like a date or quality time, talking about your future together, feeling heard in an emotional expression, or talking intimately about your day," Deindorfer says.
• Playful initiation. "You want the energy to lead the initiation." In other words, you like to work up to physical intimacy by sexting [8], role-playing [9], teasing, and using humor to connect.

The Importance of Understanding Your Initiation Type

Knowing your initiation type is important not only for yourself but also for your relationship. "When you don't know your initiation type, you might wonder if there's something wrong with you because you're not spontaneously turned on by what your partner's doing," Deindorfer says. "This can lead to miscommunication and disconnection in relationships if one partner is frequently trying to initiate in a way that doesn't work for their partner," she adds.

Additionally, when you don't know your initiation type or your partner's, it may be harder to pick up on the signs that someone is DTF. And though you don't have to have sex every time one person in the relationship is horny, not picking up the signals can sometimes lead to less sex and connection.

Once you do learn your initiation type, however, understanding it and sharing the information with your partner can be a game changer. "You can advocate for what you like, build more connection to your partner, and have more frequent intimacy," Deindorfer says.

How to Find Out Your Initiation Type

Finding your initiation type is as easy as trying out each method yourself. "Experiment with all styles and notice which ones feel good to you," Deindorfer says. Think of it as a fun science experiment, and document with your partner which ones resonate the most with you. Then, compare your results with your partner.

If your partner has a different initiation type than you, NBD. In fact, Deindorfer says this is more common than not. In this case, you'll just need to communicate. "If you both know how you want to be initiated with, you can do that for each other," Deindorfer says. "Doing what works for your partner builds a feeling of appreciation and connection and feeling understood."

Related:

My Boyfriend Isn't My "Type" — Will That Matter in the Long Run? [10]