Dear Michelle,
Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Jessica, and I live in Maryland. I've been in a relationship for 11 years and married for six. My husband and I are a biracial couple with different backgrounds — I grew up in a more liberal household, while he holds more traditional Christian views. When we were dating, I didn't think to ask him certain "hard" questions, including his opinions on topics like homosexuality. It wasn't until we were planning our wedding that these deeper conversations began to take place, and his responses unsettled me.
Why am I sharing this? Because those differing beliefs have continued to impact our relationship and sex life. You might wonder why we married despite this. It's difficult to pinpoint; perhaps we believed love would bridge the gap, that one of us might change, or that the depth of our differences wouldn't significantly affect our relationship.
To give you some context, my husband believes in traditional gender roles [1], including the idea that a wife should be submissive. While I don't mind aspects of submission, I strive for a relationship that is balanced and mutually fulfilling. Our sexual life, however, reflects these challenges. Although we have sex regularly (at least once a week), I haven't reached orgasm with him in over four years. I find myself relying on toys and erotic literature to fulfill my needs. Our encounters are often brief and centered on his satisfaction.
These challenges extend beyond our physical relationship. For example, we have agreed not to actively try for children due to concerns over how we would navigate raising them with differing values. While I would support our children unconditionally — including if they wanted to explore their gender identity or same-sex relationships — my husband would not, which is a fear I carry.
This brings me to my main question: Do you have any advice for fostering a healthier, more mutually fulfilling sex life? I love my husband and want to reconnect, but I'm finding it difficult when he resists exploring new ideas or even engaging in deeper discussions about intimacy. I don't want to betray our marriage, but I struggle with feeling like my needs and desires are unimportant.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
— Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Girl, listen to me when I tell you that you are not the only one fighting this fight. Relationships are like Rubik's cubes: frustrating, complex, and sometimes you just want to toss the whole thing out a window. But don't throw away that cube just yet, because it's time to drop the act and make it a little bit easier.
Your pleasure is not optional — it is essential. Period.
First off, let's start with the obvious elephant in the room: Your situation isn't just sex. It's about values in conflict, communication breakdowns, and a few very big life choices. You both approach gender roles, sexuality, and the question of having kids differently, and it seems like it's really difficult for you to have meaningful conversations about intimacy.
These issues run deep and might need some professional attention. I'm not saying you need to book yourself a therapy appointment in the next available slot, but I'd think about it. And if your man shies away from therapy, suggest a faith-based counselor. Believe me, they understand that a blaze in the boudoir warms the home fires.
But in the meantime, I'm here to help. So, on to your sex life: the main event. Four years without an orgasm? That's not even a dry spell, that's a friggin' desert. We have to make that Sahara an oasis, like, stat. Your pleasure is not optional — it is essential. Period.
Here's how we're going to mix it up:
- The Biblical Bedroom Boost: I'm a former Catholic altar girl (yes, I've got range) and can attest to the Bible having your back. Consider 1 Corinthians 7:3: "The husband should fulfill his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband's needs." Translation? Slaking is not optional — it's the divine arrangement. Use this as your golden ticket to start the conversation about intimacy with your husband.
- "I Will, I Want, I Won't" Game: This is one of my favorite exercises for couples who are looking to spice up their sex life. It's like a salacious spousal truth or dare. Here's how it goes:
- Set the mood: candles, wine, perhaps some Barry White.
- Make a separate list of your sexual yes's, maybe's, and hell no's.
- Swap lists and talk it out. (This isn't about judgment — it's about discovery.) You may learn he was interested in things you never knew he was. And vice versa.
- Positive Reinforcement: Men are like puppies, generally, in heteronormative relationships — they thrive on and strive for positive reinforcement. After it's over, tell him precisely what rocked your world. "When you did that tongue thing? Chef's kiss. To which we say more of that, please, and thank you." Believe me, he will be taking notes mentally.
The Bottom Line
Girlfriend, hear me out: Your pleasure, your fulfillment, and your joy are important. It is not selfish to want more. Love is a two-way street, and it's time to ask your husband to join you on it. That won't happen overnight, but these small steps — from honest conversations to playful exploration to a wee bit of faith — can help you reconnect.
Believe me: These grinding moments are the place where developments take place. They are literally the "B" in your "becoming journey." Embrace it, girl!
I'm rooting for you (and your orgasms),
Michelle
P.S. If all else fails, remember this: Erotica and toys are your friends, especially if you're deeply committed to this union (which it sounds like you are). This process might be a slow burn, which may require your partner time to warm up to the suggestion I've provided, and with that, you might just have to take matters into your own hands — literally.
Sexpert Positions [3] is a monthly column where sexologist Michelle Hope [4] answers your most pressing questions about sex. Have a topic you want addressed? Drop Michelle a message on Instagram or email her at SexpertPositions@voxmedia.com [5]. By submitting a question, you agree to our Submission Terms [6].