24 Is Back! And So Are Hilarious Jack Bauer Jokes

Updated on 4/22/2014 at 1:00 PM

May 5 marks the premiere of 24: Live Another Day, and if all the pictures aren't exciting enough for you, we've got just the thing. Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) is an internationally recognized badass, and one of the things I love most about the show is the fact that he's completely indestructible. Not surprisingly, his superhero abilities have become an Internet sensation. He's like the Chuck Norris of superagents. Take a look at my favorite "facts," and let me know what yours are! Source: Fox

If Jack Bauer were president, he would protect the Secret Service.

Source: Random Jack Bauer Facts, Fox

If everyone on 24 followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called 12.

Source: JackBauerFacts.com, Fox

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question! Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Source: Random Jack Bauer Facts, Fox

You can lead a horse to water, but Jack Bauer can make it drink.

Source: Ottowa Golf, Fox

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Source: A Random Fact, Fox

G.I. Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.

Source: A Random Fact, Fox

On Jack Bauer's tax returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependent.

Source: Random Jack Bauer Facts, Fox

Bullets don't kill Jack Bauer, because they're afraid to.

Source: Ottowa Golf, Fox

Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Jack Bauer.

Source: Random Jack Bauer Facts, Fox

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

Source: Random Jack Bauer Facts, Fox

Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.

Source: Random Jack Bauer Facts, Fox

Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer sees the glass as a deadly weapon.

Source: Random Jack Bauer Facts, Fox

If you are still verbally capable of telling Jack Bauer that he is hurting you, then trust me: he isn't.

Source: Random Jack Bauer Facts, Fox

It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.

Source: Random Jack Bauer Facts, Fox

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Source: A Random Fact, Fox

Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.

Source: Random Jack Bauer Facts, Fox

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24 Is Back! And So Are Hilarious Jack Bauer Jokes

If Jack Bauer were president, he would protect the Secret Service.

If everyone on 24 followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called 12.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question! Jack Bauer does not bleed.

You can lead a horse to water, but Jack Bauer can make it drink.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

G.I. Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.

On Jack Bauer's tax returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependent.

Bullets don't kill Jack Bauer, because they're afraid to.

Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.

Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer sees the glass as a deadly weapon.

If you are still verbally capable of telling Jack Bauer that he is hurting you, then trust me: he isn't.

It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.

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