The 18 Soul-Crushing Stages of Taking Your Kids to Visit the Mall Santa
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If one of your family's Christmas traditions is paying a visit to Santa Claus, then you have our deepest sympathies. There's plenty of creative holiday activities you could certainly be doing instead (99 percent of which don't take place in a crowded mall), but for whatever reason – admit it, you really want to plaster that adorable photo all over Facebook – you've committed to this one. Whether you're a "Santa's Workshop" newbie or a seasoned veteran, there are plenty of psychological land mines between the start of the line and the big guy's lap. Here's a cautious look at 18 of them.
You arrive at the mall with your kids and are shocked at all the misbehaving children.
You silently judge all the moms around you.
You make your way to "Santa's North Pole Cottage" and get in line.
Which doesn't look half-bad until you round the corner and realize that the airport's TSA check-in on Thanksgiving weekend is a breezy queue compared to this zig-zagging maze of disgruntled families.
You immediately try to figure out how this must be some kind of mistake.
After speaking to a teenager in an elf costume and the teenager's manager (also in an elf costume), you all collectively come to the conclusion that this is, in fact, standard operating procedure for visiting Santa Claus in the month of December. You return to the line, which has gotten a good 1.5 miles longer since you last saw it.
You overhear an older kid talking trash on Santa.
He's going on and on about fake beards and stuffed red suits, but you aren't about to have the magic of Christmas ruined for your little ones because this trouble-maker thinks he knows "the truth."
You – along with other like-minded moms in line – get over-the-top excited about all things Santa.
Meanwhile, your own kids have no idea what's going on and are looking at you like you've grown a third eyeball.
You eventually arrive at the official entrance only to read the "pricing packages" and learn how much a single photo will cost.
They couldn't have posted the fact that they charge one month's salary for a "meet-and-greet" on Santa's lap at the start of the line before the line?!
You realize there's no turning back and that you are just a tiny cog in a very powerful machine.
You realize it's probably best if you just zone out and hand people money when they ask for it.
Just when your kids are next in line, they have to go to the bathroom "so bad."
If one of your children is an infant, this is when they have a poopsplosion in their diaper. You nonetheless stand your ground.
Santa motions for your kids to approach, but one decides to have a meltdown instead.
"They never act like this at home."
Thankfully, the tantrum turns out to be just an insane level of excitement.
It's a Christmas miracle!
As they climb up on Santa's lap, you give the bearded man a knowing glance.
"They're going to ask for a puppy and a trip to Disney World, but you know better than to provide them any specifics," you tell Mr. Claus with your mind.
He responds with a discreet wink, the pro that he is.
You can't hear everything, but you're pretty sure Santa is blatantly defying you.
He nodded way too forcefully and your kids look way too relieved for him to have just mitigated expectations.
In the two-millisecond window allotted for the official photo, you encourage your kids to smile for the camera.
But they insist on being mortally petrified instead.
"For $39.95, we can't get a retake?"
As your kids hop off his lap and you split the bill between three credit cards, you curse Santa's name.
And vow never to return again . . . until next year.