Dear Tights,
I've had something on my mind for the past few months – I guess it started around December. I've been itching to make a change, and now that the weather's warmed, it's time to do a little Spring cleaning. It's not you, it's me — no wait, it is you, because, tights, you suck. And here's why we need to end this relationship:
Don't try to fight it — I've found someone new, and I think we'll be very happy together. And, maybe after a Summer of going it on my own (and remembering how irritating daily shaving, bronzing, and moisturizing can be), I'll have a change of heart.
See you in September,
Randy