The Most Horrible Advice I Have Ever Given My Little Sister
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My little sister, Madison, just turned 20 years old. As her older and (much) wiser sister, I always take it upon myself to give her advice. My vast three years of life experience that I have on her qualifies me as a life coach, right?
I don't mean to give her crappy advice; it just kind of comes out of my mouth like word barf. And most of it probably applies specifically to the kind of person I am. Anyway, here's some garbage advice I have given my sister with no intentions other than to help her out. Thankfully there are other people around to help clarify my good intentions. Check out some of the things I have actually said to Maddy.
"To jump-start your political career, you should probably have an affair with someone important. Like the attorney general?"
My sister is a political science major. She's really smart and, like, megapretty, but if she really wants to get attention, she should Monica Lewinsky it up, am I right?
"It's totally OK to drink different types of alcohol in one night. Drinking one at a time is an urban myth."
I told her this one last Christmas Eve after consuming a vodka soda following a Jack and Coke. Good times.
"You don't always have to pay for the bus."
One time Maddy came to visit me in San Francisco and I was too lazy to wait in line in order to buy her a ticket, so I made her ride the bus for free everywhere we went. I usually pay, OK? This was a special occasion.
"Guys love it when you act like you don't give a sh*t about them."
She was telling me about some guy she met at a club that she really liked. I was trying to keep him yearning for her. I don't think it worked out so well.
"You have to buy that $400 dress. YOLO."
I am a shopping enabler. Probably not good for a young girl in college, but she looked good in the dress, so whatevs.
"If you ever want to go somewhere you're too young to get into, put on twice as much makeup and two bras."
At the time I think she wanted to go to an R-rated movie with her friends at 16 years old. One time I made my best friend look like a drag queen to get into Borat when I was 16 years old, so I was just giving her some tried-and-true tips.
"Whenever you get in trouble, just start crying."
I was prepping my sister to go downstairs and talk to my parents after she got in trouble for some stupid teenager thing she did. Seriously though — crying gets you out of everything.
"If anyone you don't know speaks to you, immediately start screaming."
Maddy came to visit me while I was in college, and I was terrified I would lose her or she would get into a dangerous situation. Unfortunately, human leashes aren't socially acceptable, so I told her that if any person she didn't know was to so much as speak to her, she needed to let out a blood-curdling scream immediately.
"When you're feeling sad, buy a lot of stuff."
Boyfriend broke up with you? Buy stuff. Bad grade on a test? Buy stuff. Watched a depressing YouTube video about abandoned puppies? Buy stuff. Burnt batch of cookies? Buy stuff.
OK, I should stop giving advice forever.
Reading the things I have told Maddy over the years is making me consider taking a vow of silence.
But I probably won't take it.