Chrissy Teigen graces the pages of Esquire's September issue [1], and true to form, she looks amazing. The model sports multiple sexy swimsuits in the shots and even gets photographed doing some light yard work in a red bikini. Chrissy, who has garnered attention this week for her nearly perfect (and drunken) first pitch at a Los Angeles Dodgers game [2], talks about everything from her love for fast food — specifically McDonald's — to her headline-grabbing Twitter presence and working on her "little half-Asian butt" in the gym. The most ironic quote, though, has to do with her disdain for the beach; despite being a swimsuit model, Chrissy said, "Sand is disgusting. I get all Larry David [3] at the beach and want every piece of sand off me." Keep reading for more things we learned about Chrissy during her Esquire shoot.

• She's done a Master Cleanse: "I looked at a Wheat Thin one day and got teary-eyed. You know those cartoons where the head of somebody becomes a turkey? That Wheat Thin looked like a f*cking turkey. My mouth was watering."
• She's not ashamed of her love for fast food: "If I'm going to eat fast food, I'm going to McDonald's. I don't need to pretend."

• She's obsessed with John Goodman: "I feel like part of me will die when John Goodman dies."
• She's not as mean as she seems on social media: "I'm much nicer in person than on Twitter."

• She's sad about her butt: "I didn't know butts were a thing until I was 23. Then came Jennifer Lopez [4] and people were like, 'That butt is great.' Now you have to have a butt. It sucks for me. I have a little half-Asian butt, and the more I work out, the more I try to get it bigger, it's just going to get flatter and harder."

• She's a day drinker: "I usually stop when it gets dark to avoid hangovers."
• She's not a fan of the beach: "Sand is disgusting. I get all Larry David [5] at the beach and want every piece of sand off me."

• She's all for cheese: "American cheese is the most underrated cheese."
• She thinks cats are 'the devil's children': "People love to say, 'My cat is great. He's just like a dog.' I always think, 'Well, get a f*cking dog!'"

• She'll do anything for her dogs: "[Chrissy's Bulldog] Puddy recently lost control of his bowels on a flight to Los Angeles, and [I] put his fecal matter in [my] purse and held his doggy butt over the toilet."

• She's got her priorities straight: "I'm going home to make soup."