Spoilers for American Horror Story [1]: Cult below!
Someone get Ryan Murphy on the phone, because that man is responsible for sending my blood pressure through the damn roof during this week's episode of American Horror Story: Cult [2]. While watching "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark," I somehow surpassed the loud volume of hyperventilating I did during the premiere [3], waking up not only my boyfriend downstairs, but also my cat and perhaps the entire neighborhood. Do you think my therapist will accept personal checks from FX?
Anyway.
In season seven's second episode, we're treated to more creepy clown spottings [4]. And a man dangling from a meat hook. And another terrifying encounter with Kai, who desperately needs a trip to the salon. OH, and how could we forget about that shooting?! Without further ado, let's dive into what went down this week before I pass out from fear (again).
When the Episode Starts and That Damn Clown Is Still in Ally's Bed
When Ivy Goes Upstairs to Find the Clown Armed Only With a Knife
You in danger, girl.
When Ally Says, "I Don't Know What's Real Anymore"
The clown conveniently disappears before Ivy sees it upstairs. Are they real or what?!
When a Clown Hand Reaches Down and Turns Off Oz's Night Light
AND THEN TWISTY SUDDENLY APPEARS IN HIS ROOM WITH THE THREE-FACED DILDO CLOWN
But It Turns Out He's Just Having a Night Terror
Still, the scene of them chasing Ozzie into the bathroom is terrifying.
When Kai Gets the Immigrants He Goaded Into Beating Him Up Locked Up by ICE
He's the worst of the worst.
And Then Kai Announces He's Running For City Council to Replace the Murdered Tom Chang
When Ally Sees New Neighbors Moving in Next Door and Starts Snooping on Their Porch
Can't you just stalk them on Facebook like everyone else, Ally?
When One of the Chefs in Ally and Ivy's Restaurant Starts Making Nasty, Racist Comments to Another Guy in the Kitchen
When Winter Does That Creepy Pinkie Swear Thing With Oz
"We're connected Oz . . . flesh to flesh." Find God, Winter.
When You Find Out Oz's Real Name Is Ozymandias
No wonder he's so messed up.
When Ally Is Set Off by the Honeycombs in Her New Neighbor's Beehive
Harrison is an amateur beekeeper [7], Meadow is low-key allergic to the sun [8], and they're both pretty weird.
When Harrison and Meadow Reveal They Bought the Chang's House Specifically Because They Were Murdered in It
It's because it ended up being really cheap, but still.
Oh, and They Have Tons of Nicole Kidman Movie Posters Hanging Around
They're the cochairs of Michigan's Nicole Kidman [9] fan club. NBD.
And Also, Even Though They're Married, Harrison Is Gay
"He gets one night a week in Detroit to do . . . whatever."
When Ally Volunteers to Go Check Out What Tripped the Security System at the Restaurant by Herself
AND SHE FINDS THE RACIST CHEF FROM EARLIER HANGING BY A MEAT HOOK IN THE FREEZER
He's alive at first, but then she accidentally tugs him down and blood shoots out of his mouth.
When the Detective Tries to Pin the Murder on the Guy the Racist Chef Was Fighting With Earlier
It's the clowns, OK?! Not Pedro!
When Harrison and Meadow Show Ally Their Huge Gun Collection and Convince Her to Take One
Yeah, this should go well.
When Her Therapist Tells Her to Get Rid of the Gun
When Kai Shows Up at Ally's Door and Threatens Her With His Extremist Rhetoric
When Winter Continues to Wear Outfits Stolen From Wednesday Addams's Closet
When Ally Lets Winter Draw Her a Bath, and Then She Strips Off Her Top
And Then Winter Starts Massaging Ally's Naked Body and They Almost Make Out
Wasn't Ally JUST telling her therapist about how much she loves and appreciates Ivy?
When the House's Security System Goes Off and Interrupts Them, and You Know Something Scary Is Coming
This is too much.
When Harrison Comes to Their Window and Starts Screaming About Terrorism
"LESBIANS, WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!"
When Winter Ditches Ally, Even Though They Were Just on the Cusp of Boning
Truly living up to her ice-cold name.
When Ally Is Just Stumbling Around the House Sobbing
When Ivy Sends Pedro to Go Check on Ally While She Stays at the Restaurant, and You Know Something Bad Will Happen
Don't go, Pedro!
When the Ice Cream Truck the Clowns Use Pulls Up Outside Ally and Ivy's House
And Ally Finds All the Electrical Wires in Her House Cut, Right Before a Clown Pops Out
When Ally Body Slams One of the Creepy Clowns Right Over the Stair Railing
When Pedro Comes to the Door and Ally Shoots Him Because She Thinks He's a Clown AND THEN THE EPISODE ENDS
Like I said: expect a bill from my therapist, Ryan Murphy.