Unpack your string bikini and get your tanning oils, because Bachelor in Paradise [1] has begun. Chris Harrison welcomed 15 former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants [2] — plus one surprise sibling — to season two of the spinoff, and tears have already been shed. Meanwhile, connections have been made, parrots have been lovingly cooed at, and much ado has been made about Jillian's new boobs. Let's go ahead and dive into the 15 moments that so badly need to be addressed from the premiere.

When Tanner Called Shawn a "Poor Man's Ryan Gosling"

What's really entertaining about Bachelor in Paradise is its total willingness to make fun of the motherships, aka The Bachelor [3] and The Bachelorette [4]. First of all, Tanner acknowledged that no one — not even Kaitlyn, whose season he was on — knows who he is. Then he donned a sparkly dress, impersonated her, and dubbed Shawn a "Poor Man's Ryan Gosling [5]."

When Ashley I. Brought Her Sister, Lauren I.

Listen up Ashley I., ABC didn't bring you to Paradise just so you could start breaking all the rules right off the bat, OK?

Then Tenley Said "Nooo" in Slow Motion Upon Seeing Ashley I. and Her Sister

All the credit goes to the genius editors for slowing down Tenley's exclamation and airing it not once, but twice: before and after the commercials.

Every Time Carly Speaks

Who is still holding out for Carly to be the Bachelorette [6] one day? Every word that comes out of her mouth is pure gold.

When JJ Came Down the Steps in His Pink Pants

Get out of here, JJ.

When Mike T. and Lauren I. Are Frolicking in the Waves

Mike T. gives me the creeps, but I couldn't confirm his actual creepiness until he basically accosted Lauren I. in the ocean. Just because I don't approve of Lauren I. being here doesn't mean I want her boobies to be violated. Hands off, Mike T.

When Ashley S. Arrived

Am I the only one who is totally shipping Chris Harrison and Ashley S.? Remember how he specifically requested that she be on Bachelor in Paradise? The first thing she does when she gets there is check out the parrots, and then they just hang out with the parrots together. God, I want this to be a thing so badly.

When Chris Announced That the Sisters Are a "Package Deal"

Wait — this is dumb. I'm all for twists and turns, but you can't just have a two-for-one deal on human beings. They're not lawn chairs at K-Mart, Chris Harrison.

When Lacy and Marcus Got Married . . . on Bachelor in Paradise

Is this real life? This can't be their real wedding, right? (It WAS. [7]) Also, this is so not what I want to see right now. Give me b*tch-slaps.

When Carly and Kirk Were Totally Vibing Each Other

As much as I love Carly, I fully did not anticipate that she would be the first one to find a connection — and with Kirk, no less! I'm on board for this.

When Ashley I. Laugh-Cried

Were the producers trying to get her do to this weird "laugh-cry"? I hate it.

Whenever Mike T. Talked About His Testosterone

Why did they keep highlighting this? We get it; Mike T. was born with a surplus of testosterone that causes him to fondle unwitting boobies in the waves, like an X-rated version of the opening scene from Grease.

When JJ Was Supermean About Ashley I. Asking Out Jared

"Jared looks like he would rather take a back-alley beating with a plumber's wrench than go on this date." Well said, JJ.

Whenever Lauren I. Said Mean Things to Ashley I.

"Your lower half is slacking." WTF?

When It Ended

You win, Bachelor in Paradise. I will dedicate approximately half of my August to watching you, and I will love it.