Bachelor in Paradise Season 2 Premiere Recap

1 When Tanner Called Shawn a "Poor Man's Ryan Gosling"

Image Source: NBC

What's really entertaining about Bachelor in Paradise is its total willingness to make fun of the motherships, aka The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. First of all, Tanner acknowledged that no one — not even Kaitlyn, whose season he was on — knows who he is. Then he donned a sparkly dress, impersonated her, and dubbed Shawn a "Poor Man's Ryan Gosling."

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2 When Ashley I. Brought Her Sister, Lauren I.

Image Source: NBC

Listen up Ashley I., ABC didn't bring you to Paradise just so you could start breaking all the rules right off the bat, OK?

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3 Then Tenley Said "Nooo" in Slow Motion Upon Seeing Ashley I. and Her Sister

Image Source: NBC

All the credit goes to the genius editors for slowing down Tenley's exclamation and airing it not once, but twice: before and after the commercials.

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4 Every Time Carly Speaks

Image Source: FX

Who is still holding out for Carly to be the Bachelorette one day? Every word that comes out of her mouth is pure gold.

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5 When JJ Came Down the Steps in His Pink Pants

Image Source: NBC

Get out of here, JJ.

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6 When Mike T. and Lauren I. Are Frolicking in the Waves

Image Source: HBO

Mike T. gives me the creeps, but I couldn't confirm his actual creepiness until he basically accosted Lauren I. in the ocean. Just because I don't approve of Lauren I. being here doesn't mean I want her boobies to be violated. Hands off, Mike T.

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7 When Ashley S. Arrived

Image Source: Netflix

Am I the only one who is totally shipping Chris Harrison and Ashley S.? Remember how he specifically requested that she be on Bachelor in Paradise? The first thing she does when she gets there is check out the parrots, and then they just hang out with the parrots together. God, I want this to be a thing so badly.

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8 When Chris Announced That the Sisters Are a "Package Deal"

Image Source: Columbia Pictures

Wait — this is dumb. I'm all for twists and turns, but you can't just have a two-for-one deal on human beings. They're not lawn chairs at K-Mart, Chris Harrison.

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9 When Lacy and Marcus Got Married . . . on Bachelor in Paradise

Image Source: 20th Century Studios

Is this real life? This can't be their real wedding, right? (It WAS.) Also, this is so not what I want to see right now. Give me b*tch-slaps.

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10 When Carly and Kirk Were Totally Vibing Each Other

Image Source: Lifetime

As much as I love Carly, I fully did not anticipate that she would be the first one to find a connection — and with Kirk, no less! I'm on board for this.

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11 When Ashley I. Laugh-Cried

Image Source: HBO

Were the producers trying to get her do to this weird "laugh-cry"? I hate it.

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12 Whenever Mike T. Talked About His Testosterone

Image Source: NBC

Why did they keep highlighting this? We get it; Mike T. was born with a surplus of testosterone that causes him to fondle unwitting boobies in the waves, like an X-rated version of the opening scene from Grease.

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13 When JJ Was Supermean About Ashley I. Asking Out Jared

Image Source: Paramount Pictures

"Jared looks like he would rather take a back-alley beating with a plumber's wrench than go on this date." Well said, JJ.

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14 Whenever Lauren I. Said Mean Things to Ashley I.

Image Source: NBC

"Your lower half is slacking." WTF?

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15 When It Ended

Image Source: Fox

You win, Bachelor in Paradise. I will dedicate approximately half of my August to watching you, and I will love it.

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