Comedy Central's "Roast of Justin Bieber" featured some harsh burns about its young subject [1] (and some below-the-belt jokes about Selena Gomez [2]), but it was also a night for a handful of seasoned comedians to whip out their stand-up, alongside a few stars who rocked some unexpectedly good zingers too. Some jokes were so good that you can totally steal them and retell them — you just have to change up the context a bit.

When you need to make fun of the music

When you need a timely joke about someone's appearance

When you need a new "You're so old" burn

When you need a joke about promiscuity

When you need a new punchline for "Time flies when . . . "

When you need a fresh short-person joke

When you need to call out religious hypocrisy

When you want to make a not-too-edgy joke about Bill Cosby

When you need a joke about a revealing outfit

When you need a joke about modern dating