There are so many Game of Thrones spoilers below. So, so many.
Guys, I have to be honest — I really didn't think that Game of Thrones [1] was going to be able to top season seven's fourth episode, "The Spoils of War." [2] Drogon roasting the Lannister army? Arya returning to Winterfell? Jaime's brush with death? It was a lot. At least, I thought it was a lot, until I saw episode six, "Beyond the Wall."
Now, I'm going to break down each and every moment from this supersize episode (which clocks in at well over the typical hour-long runtime) for you all below, but let's take a moment to appreciate everything "Beyond the Wall" manages to squeeze in: surprise cameos from mysterious characters [3], the Night King's icy wrath, a zombie bear (A ZOMBIE BEAR!!!), a bag of gross faces, two terrifying near-deaths, and a ton of horrifying actual deaths.
Buckle up, because this is going to be one wild ride.
When You Realize Jon Snow and the Gang Are Basically Suicide Squad, but in Antarctica
When Tormund Makes a Raunchy Sex Joke and Gendry Looks at Him Like . . .
Guess these two are gonna have to bond some more.
When Tormund Criticizes Jon For Not Bending the Knee
It's the second time the ill-fated Mance Rayder [4] has been brought up this season.
When the Hound Introduces the Word "Winge-ing" Into Our Vocabulary
"Your lips are moving and you're complaining; that's winge-ing."
When Jon Snow Starts Reminiscing About Ned With Ser Jorah
When Jon Attempts to Give Longclaw to Jorah, but He Won't Take It
"I brought shame onto my House." Yeah, getting into the slavery business tends to do that, man.
And Then Jorah Makes a Subtle Reference to Jon and Daenerys Having Kids
Unexpected, but here for it.
When Arya Tells Sansa a Beautiful Story About How Their Dad Always Accepted Her . . .
. . . And Then Turns It Into a Surprise Confrontation, Accusing Sansa of Helping the Lannisters Kill Ned
Arya wastes no time in whipping out that note [5].
When Arya Basically Tells Sansa She's the Worst Sister Ever
"I didn't betray our entire family for my beloved Joffrey." Sorry, Arya, but it's time for you to get off your high horse. We haven't endured seven seasons of separated Stark sibs for this bullsh*t.
When Sansa Hits Her With the Ultimate Comeback
"You should be on your knees thanking me," she says. "We're standing in Winterfell again because of me. You didn't win it back. Jon didn't win it back. He lost the Battle of the Bastards."
When You Realize Littlefinger Is Probably Cackling in a Corner Somewhere
I curse the day you were born, Littlefinger!
When Tormund and the Hound End Up Being the Next Best Comedy Duo
When Tormund Gives All Redheads Some Much Deserved Praise
"Gingers are beautiful. We are kissed by fire."
When Tormund Lays Out His Future With Brienne, and You Get Nervous About His Chances of Survival
LET US HAVE THIS ONE GOOD THING.
When Beric Tells Jon, "You Don't Look Much Like Your Father"
Lolololol.
When Daenerys Talks a Bunch of Sh*t About the Men in Her Life to Tyrion Over Wine
"Heroes do stupid things and they die. Drogo, Jorah, Daario, and even this Jon Snow. They all try to outdo each other. Who can do the stupidest, bravest thing?"
And Tyrion Points Out She Included Jon Snow on That List
"Jon Snow's not in love with me," she says, convincing NO ONE.
But Then Dany Says Jon Is "Too Little" For Her . . . to Tyrion
Read the room, Dany.
When Tyrion Straight Up Tells Dany She Needs to Stop Burning People Alive If She Wants to Win the Throne
"Fear makes power brittle."
When the Icicle Squad Encounters a Ginormous Wight Bear
Apparently White Walkers can turn dead animals into wights?!
And the Bear Promptly Rips a Bunch of Them to Pieces
RIP, nameless characters.
When Beric Lights the Bear on Fire With His Flaming Sword, Which Freaks Out the Hound
Meaning He Doesn't Step in to Help When the Bear Savagely Attacks Thoros of Myr
When Beric Has to Melt Thoros's Chest Together With His Sword to Keep Him Alive
"Are you all right?" "I just got bit by a dead bear . . ."
When Littlefinger Lies to Sansa About Where Arya Got the Letter, Clearly Trying to Manipulate Her
It looks like he's trying to get Brienne out of Winterfell, too.
When Jon Kills a White Walker, and All (but One) of the Wights With Him Die Too
Looks like if you kill the White Walker who turned the wight, they'll die as well.
When Tormund Punches the Remaining Wight Right in the Face
DAMN.
When Jon Spots a Massive Storm and Knows the Rest of the White Walker Army Is Closing In
And Then He Sends His BFF Gendry Back to Eastwatch to Send a Raven to Dany
When the Rest of the Gang Finds Themselves Trapped in the Middle of an Icy Lake With Wights on All Sides
"FML." — Jon.
When Gendry Gets to Eastwatch in Approximately 10 Minutes, but Is Able to Send a Raven to Dany
When the Night King Keeps Jon and the Gang Trapped in the Middle of the Lake on a Tiny Rock All Night
It's basically The Shallows 2.0.
When They Realize Thoros Died in His Sleep, and They Need to Burn His Body
So long, man bun.
When Sansa Gets a Raven Inviting Her to King's Landing, but Decides to Send Brienne There in Her Place
Hmm . . . not fishy at all . . . not fishy at all.
When Brienne Warns Sansa That Littlefinger Can't Be Trusted, but Sansa Isn't Hearing It
Why must you be like this, S?
When Tyrion Begs Dany Not to Fly Beyond the Wall, but She Has to Go Save Her Boo
"You told me to do nothing before and I listened to you. I'm not doing nothing again." Note that she's wearing white in this scene, too. Wedding white?!
When the Hound Starts Throwing Rocks at the Wights Because He's Bored, and It Massively Backfires
They start attacking once they realize the lake is solid again. It's a mess.
When All Hell Breaks Loose During the Battle
When Tormund Comes THISCLOSE to Being Wight Food, but the Hound Saves Him
I'm screaming. You're screaming. We're all screaming.
When the Wights Close In, So Jon and Tormund Look at Each Other Knowing They're About to Die
BUT THEN DAENERYS AND DROGON SWOOP IN TO LIGHT THOSE FROZEN MOTHERF*CKERS UP
When Jon and Dany Find Time to Share a Romantic Glance in Between All the Death and Destruction
When the Night King Kills Viserion by Hurling a Frozen Spear at Him, and His Body Sinks Into the Lake
1.) Who knew the Night King was on the javelin team in high school? 2.) Why didn't that frozen spear just shatter or melt against a fiery dragon? 3.) THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH FOR ONE EPISODE.
When Dany Looks Like She's Been Stabbed Herself
When Jon Gets Tackled by 2 Wights and They Plunge Into the Icy Lake, but Everyone Else Flies Away Safe on Drogon's Back
Why does this keep happening? Westeros needs to invest in swimming lessons.
BUT HE IS SOMEHOW ALIVE DESPITE THE FRIGID TEMPERATURES
Even Longclaw made it through the ordeal.
When the Wights Start to Attack Jon Again, but They're Taken Out by . . . Benjen Stark!
Where have you been, buddy?
Who Then Sacrifices Himself to Save Jon
He gives Jon his horse so his nephew can get away and goes down with the wights.
When You Realize That the Gang Actually Makes It Back to Eastwatch With a Freakin' Wight
AreYouKiddingMeRightNow.com
When Dany Sees Jon Miraculously Riding Through the Woods and Almost Proposes on the Spot
The look of love in her eyes is palpable.
When Sansa Sneaks Into Arya's Bedroom and Finds a Sack Full of Faces
When Arya Catches Sansa and Threatens to Kill Her/Take Her Face
When Jon Recovers From His Injuries and Finally Bends the Knee to Daenerys
He tries to call her Dany, but then decides "my queen" is more fitting. They hold hands. It's great.
When the Final Scene Is of the Night King Having Wights Haul Viserion's Body Out of the Lake
AND THEN HE TURNS VISERION INTO AN ICE DRAGON!!!!!!