The postpartum body [1] is beautiful for many reasons, namely its strength for having just grown and nourished a human for nine months. That being said, in the hours, days, and weeks after a baby is born, your body can feel foreign and frustrating [2]. Not only are you contending with obvious aches and oddities (soreness down there, a deflated basketball of a tummy, etc.), but a host of related symptoms you might not expect can crop up. Read on to enjoy a little comic relief about leaky boobs [3], postpartum bleeding, hormonal headaches, and other WTF things you may experience postbaby.
Blood. So Much Blood.
Quentin Tarantino [5] movies have nothing on the amount of blood you will shed postpartum. Invest in pads. Many pads.
Boobs That Spray Milk E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E
Three weeks after delivering my son, when I unhook my nursing bra [6], milk literally sprays out like a sprinkler. Take cover!
Out-of-Control Night Sweats
The ability to wake up in a pool of your own sweat is not exactly a power one wants. And yet, there you are.
Spontaneous Anger
Hating the world is a side effect of postpartum life one can't escape. So engage with us postpartum women at your own risk, folks.
Mom Brain
Since welcoming my baby, I feel like a bobble head with breast milk [7] for brains. I can't even finish a sentence, let alone remember what I walked into a room to do.
Severe Upper Back Pain
Warning: hunching over to change baby and carrying him around the entire day may result in acute, unrelenting upper back, shoulder, and neck pain. The only known cure is wine [8].
Extreme Nipple Soreness
When a baby's gums are clamped down on your nipples for at least five hours a day, it can start to feel like, well, a baby has clamped his gums down on your nips for five hours a day.
Constant Thirst
If you're breastfeeding, you'll be rabidly thirsty 24 hours a day no matter how much you drink.
Horrible Headaches
Hormones are likely to blame for nausea-inducing headaches that hit postpartum. Or is it due to lack of sleep? Or both?
Hair Loss
It's a rite of passage that your hair will start to fall out [9] in clumps several weeks after you welcome a baby. Try not to panic. Just breathe.
Random Crap
From your feet going up a size to your hair's texture changing, there is no telling what your body will do postpartum. Be ready for anything and do your best to love the new you!