I've long been a cinephile, so this is one of my ultimate low points since becoming a mom: I haven't seen any of this year's movies nominated for a best picture Academy Award [1].
Sure, I've got an excuse: babies take up a lot of time, and when you do break free from the vice grip of their tiny little fingers, the last thing you want to do is spend $15 an hour on a babysitter so you can go to the movies. (OK, that's actually my ideal date night, but my husband and I pretend to each other that we prefer engaging in sparkling conversation in a dimly lit restaurant when, in fact, we'd both rather be stuffing our faces with popcorn in a dimly lit theater.)
But just because I didn't see a single critically respected movie (I did catch Star Wars, so cut me a little slack) during the whole of 2015, it doesn't preclude me from tuning in to the Oscars this Sunday night – likely alongside friends and family at a pop culture pressure cooker otherwise known as a "watch party."
Instead of giving any of the nonparents that night the satisfaction of feeling more cinematically savvy than I am, I've done some incredibly light Googling to gather enough intel to pretend I know about each of the eight nominated flicks.
If you want to make like a movie buff but don't have time to watch even a single movie, keep reading. I've provided easy-to-digest plot breakdowns and talking points in case your "friends" try to pull a fast one on you.
Bonus: if you really want to do your due diligence, I've queued up all the movie's trailers. That's right – in less than 23 minutes, you, dear mother, will be able to hold your own next to the most obnoxious movie fan in the room.
The Big Short
Synopsis:
The one about the 2008 financial crisis.
Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one where everyone’s way too tan and Steve Carell [2] has a weird accent.
Talking points:
- Bring up the fact that the director also made Oscar-snubbed films Anchorman and Step Brothers.
- Make clear that you completely understand the intricacies of the 2007 housing bubble, but that the movie explains it "well enough."
Bridge of Spies
Synopsis:
The one about a lawyer defending a Soviet spy during the Cold War.
Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one you feel like you’ve already seen before because Tom Hanks [3] only makes period war dramas now.
Talking points:
- Did you know the Cold War wasn't named as such because of the frigid temperatures but because there weren't any battles? Discuss.
Brooklyn
Synopsis:
The one about an Irish immigrant who falls in love with an Italian guy.
Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one with the girl from that one movie. Is that her?
Talking points:
- Decree that you thought the lead actress was better/worse in Atonement.
- Explain that Brooklyn is a borough of New York City that you have visited/plan to visit.
Mad Max: Fury Road
Synopsis:
The one that’s a remake of a 1970s Mel Gibson [4] action movie.
Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one that . . . wait, this is nominated for best picture?
Talking points:
- Turn all topics to how you think The Danish Girl was snubbed.
- If stuck, say, "There's nothing more I can add that hasn't already been widely discussed about this movie." (Note: this works for all eight films.)
The Martian
Synopsis:
The one about an astronaut who gets stranded on Mars.
Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one that looks just like that Interstellar movie but is not that one.
Talking points:
- Ask, knowingly, "So, is this movie a comedy or a drama?" And then mumble something about the Golden Globes. Trust me, it'll make you look like you know what's going on in the industry or something.
- If pressed, say, "Honestly, I preferred the book." (Note: this also works for The Big Short, Brooklyn, The Revenant, and Room.)
The Revenant
Synopsis:
The one in which a frontiersman fights for survival after being left for dead.
Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one you hope gets Leonardo DiCaprio [5] an Oscar so he can start doing romantic comedies.
Talking points:
- Whatever you do, don't mention anything about a bear rape scene. That's old news.
- Ask if anyone knows what the word "revenant" actually means and then shake your head at the silence.
Room
Synopsis:
The one about a kidnapped woman who is forced to raise her son in a dingy room before they finally escape.
Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one that sounds like something you couldn’t emotionally handle on your best day.
Talking points:
- Regale the single people at the party with what it's like for you personally to be stuck in a house with two kids under the age of 2.
- Just think about the actual plot of this movie, which will bring you to tears and keep you from having to add more to the conversation.
Spotlight
Synopsis:
The one about the reporters who uncover the Catholic Church's child molestation scandal.
Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one you’ve legit never heard about before.
Talking points:
- Politely excuse yourself because it's rude to talk about religion in mixed company.