What Every Mom Who Hasn't Seen Any New Movies Needs to Know Before the Oscars

Synopsis:
The one about the 2008 financial crisis.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one where everyone’s way too tan and Steve Carell has a weird accent.

Talking points:

• Bring up the fact that the director also made Oscar-snubbed films Anchorman and Step Brothers.
• Make clear that you completely understand the intricacies of the 2007 housing bubble, but that the movie explains it "well enough."

Synopsis:
The one about a lawyer defending a Soviet spy during the Cold War.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one you feel like you’ve already seen before because Tom Hanks only makes period war dramas now.

Talking points:

• Did you know the Cold War wasn't named as such because of the frigid temperatures but because there weren't any battles? Discuss.

Synopsis:
The one about an Irish immigrant who falls in love with an Italian guy.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one with the girl from that one movie. Is that her?

Talking points:

• Decree that you thought the lead actress was better/worse in Atonement.
• Explain that Brooklyn is a borough of New York City that you have visited/plan to visit.

Synopsis:
The one that’s a remake of a 1970s Mel Gibson action movie.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one that . . . wait, this is nominated for best picture?

Talking points:

• Turn all topics to how you think The Danish Girl was snubbed.
• If stuck, say, "There's nothing more I can add that hasn't already been widely discussed about this movie." (Note: this works for all eight films.)

Synopsis:
The one about an astronaut who gets stranded on Mars.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one that looks just like that Interstellar movie but is not that one.

Talking points:

• Ask, knowingly, "So, is this movie a comedy or a drama?" And then mumble something about the Golden Globes. Trust me, it'll make you look like you know what's going on in the industry or something.
• If pressed, say, "Honestly, I preferred the book." (Note: this also works for The Big Short, Brooklyn, The Revenant, and Room.)

Synopsis:
The one in which a frontiersman fights for survival after being left for dead.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one you hope gets Leonardo DiCaprio an Oscar so he can start doing romantic comedies.

Talking points:

• Whatever you do, don't mention anything about a bear rape scene. That's old news.
• Ask if anyone knows what the word "revenant" actually means and then shake your head at the silence.

Synopsis:
The one about a kidnapped woman who is forced to raise her son in a dingy room before they finally escape.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one that sounds like something you couldn’t emotionally handle on your best day.

Talking points:

• Regale the single people at the party with what it's like for you personally to be stuck in a house with two kids under the age of 2.
• Just think about the actual plot of this movie, which will bring you to tears and keep you from having to add more to the conversation.

Synopsis:
The one about the reporters who uncover the Catholic Church's child molestation scandal.

Synopsis if you’ve only seen the trailer:
The one you’ve legit never heard about before.

Talking points:

• Politely excuse yourself because it's rude to talk about religion in mixed company.