Remember when back-to-school shopping used to be superfun? Your mom would take you to the mall to peruse the offerings at Limited Too and the local department store, you'd stock up on Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers, a Swatch watch, and slap bracelets, then you'd celebrate your shopping success with a treat at the food court?
Well, stocking up for back-to-school is just a little different when you become the parent. While online shopping has made the experience less time-consuming, quickly growing kids — how did their feet grow two sizes in two months?! — and in-store sales make a trip to your local shopping center an inevitable evil. Too many options, crazy crowds, indecisive kids, and sticker shock all conspire to make school shopping an experience that's equal parts frustrating and funny (hey, you have to laugh or you might just cry!). Here are the 20 stages of back-to-school shopping with kids.
You look at calendar and realize, sh*t, Summer is coming to an end. Where did the last three months go?! And does this mean you have to start wearing makeup and real clothes again?
Your Summer outfits might be questionable fashion-wise, but you take a look at your kids and notice they've been wearing the same two pairs of shorts, swimsuit, and three t-shirts all season long, and they are all looking worse for wear.
No worries, you head to your computer to check out the online sales and restock their closets on the cheap. But, wait, what size shoe does your child actually wear now? You have no idea.
It's decided. You're going to have to take your children to an actual store to shop. You let the reality wash over you, knowing that it's not going to be easy, and it's not going to be fun.
You attempt to plan the quickest, most effective, cheapest route to getting everything you need (three stores max), and give yourself a pep talk. You got this, mama.
But just in case, you cover your bases with some bribery and threats. You tell them they get ice cream if they make the experience easy and lose their iPads/video games/screen time if they make it hard.
You enter the first store with a hopeful smile, remembering the shopping trips of your youth. Maybe this will be fun.
You quickly realize that every other mom with school-age kids is also in this exact store. This is not going to be the quick, chaos-free experience you envisioned.
A sales associate tells you you'll have to take a number just so your kid can try on shoes, and while you quickly understand that this might the longest day of your life, you try to stay positive.
You finally get a salesperson to help you. She measures your kids' feet and informs you that they've been wearing shoes two sizes too small all Summer.
Every pair of shoes your kids like is sold out in the store. You spend an extra 10 minutes to track the right sizes down from other locations and have them shipped to your house. At least, you tell yourself, you won't have to carry bags.
You head to the clothing section, hoping to get each kid a pair of jeans, a couple of nonripped tees, and a jacket that fits. One child wants to try on the whole store; the other hates everything and is already complaining they want to go home.
An hour and endless whining later, you force your reluctant shopper to pick one outfit and your shopping enthusiast to pare it down to two. At least they'll both have something to wear on the first day of school.
Your kids hate every backpack at the next store, too, but they have found three toys and a video game they say they desperately need. You pull them away from the toy section and head to another store to get back on track.
You finally find backpacks that your kids deem acceptable. You decide you don't care that they're $60 each. You've had all you can take, and you'll pay anything to end this experience as quickly as possible.
Your kids remind you about that ice cream promise. You search for restaurants that serve both ice cream and wine.
You finally head home, promising yourself you'll do all of next year's back-to-school shopping online. Who cares if your kids' shoes fit perfectly?