The Ultimate Guide to Making It Out of a Horror Movie (or TV Show) Alive
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Both Scream Queens and American Horror Story: Roanoke are already freaking us out, which means Fall TV is about to get really scary. While it's always fun to look at the scariest horror movie GIFs and see which horror movies you can catch on Netflix, sometimes you really need to stop and think. Why is everyone always dying in these movies? What are they doing wrong? We've inspected the evidence from decades of scary films to determine exactly why so many fail to survive. Let's get started, shall we?
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Don't Split Up
Like, what the hell are you thinking? If anyone ever suggests you split up, you punch them right in the face. OK?
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Don't Talk to Strangers (Especially on the Phone)
Who even answers phones anymore? Let it go to voicemail, or send a text saying, "sorry lol, i'm busy." Easy.
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Um, Do NOT Try to Escape Up a Flight a Stairs
The front door is right behind you. What's your game plan once you get to the second floor?
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Don't You Dare Mess Around With Ouija Boards
Seriously, just put it down. Step away from the Ouija board.
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Look Behind You Every Once in a While, Damn It
Sometimes, you have to literally watch your back.
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No, but Actually Though, Always Assume Children Are Evil
Especially when they symbolically wear a lot of red.
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Don't Trust Anyone, Especially Not the Neighbors
They're never looking out for your best interests, let's be real.
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Don't Go Into the Woods
No cabins in the woods, no camping, none of that. Don't seek out Blair Witches. Don't read ancient spells in other languages. Just don't.
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Please Don't Go Spelunking
Immersing yourself in complete darkness is never a grand idea.
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Don't Play Pranks, Especially on Misunderstood Telepaths
Just saying, if you're planning on dumping a bucket of pig blood on anyone in the near future, you might want to do a quick background check.
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Listen to the Ominous Warnings of Locals and Old People
Anytime someone urges you to leave, you should probably listen. Don't fuss, don't argue — just turn right around and go on your merry way.
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Don't Be a Bitchy Pageant Queen
It's like, a one-way ticket to getting your head blown off.
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Don't Isolate Yourself With a Raging Alcoholic Monster
There's no scenario in which this is a good idea.
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Don't Ever Expect the Phone to Work
Remember that part about not answering the phone? Well, don't try to make any calls on it either. Like, just text your mom or something.
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Avoid Any and All Ruins and Ancient Burial Grounds
Don't mess with ancient magical energy. It's not worth it.
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Don't Take Baths, Either
And if you do for some strange reason decide to take a bath in a horror movie, please don't fall asleep.
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Don't Even Think About Shaving Your Legs
Your silky smooth gams won't matter a bit when you're dead.
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Just Avoid All Hygiene in General Until You're Safe
C'mon. Who cares if you're a little smelly? Your life is at stake.
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Don't Stick Around After You've Killed the Bad Guy
Just run the hell away. Run to the police station. Steal a bike and ride it for as many miles as your legs will take you. Call an Uber, damn it.
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Don't Check and Make Sure He's Dead, Either
Because, let's be real, he's probably not dead. And the further away from him you are, the better.
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Avoid Dolls at All Costs
Nope. Screw dolls, man. Or, if you're dead-set on having dolls around you at all times, at least make sure they don't look creepy as all hell. Use your brain.
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Especially Avoid Clown Dolls
What are you even thinking? Nobody ever willfully settled for a creepy clown doll. Get out of here.
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If a Doll Starts Moving at All, RUN
Don't walk over to it and see what's up. If you even think a doll might have moved even an inch, just throw it off the nearest cliff. Don't risk it.
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