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Dating Someone With a Criminal Record

"I Googled Him and Found Out He Has a Criminal Record"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks. We've gone on a few dates, and he has come over to my house a few times to hang out with me and my friends. He seems like a great guy, and a total gentleman. He is nice, funny, caring, and I like spending time with him. I know it's common for people in their mid-20's and older to Google dates to find out more about them, but honestly this never occurred to me before. I've searched myself before just to see what would come up and nothing connected to me did, and same with all my friends, and I figured that since we were in college we hadn't really established ourselves enough for anything to come up in a search. But yesterday, I randomly decided to Google his name and was shocked at what I found... All these links to websites that post mug shots. At first I wasn't totally surprised because he told me he had gotten in trouble a few years ago for consuming alcohol as a minor so I thought that's what it had to do with. I clicked on the link, and it showed a picture of his mugshot, which at first I didn't even think looked like him. But the name was exactly the same(including middle), and the birth date was exactly the same so I figured it was him. I scrolled down and felt sick when I saw that he was arrested on sexual assault charges! I was seriously shaking from shock that I had gotten close to him, even letting him into my house, and I didn't know this about him. I was a little confused too because I never in a million years would have guessed that he would be involved in anything like this. He is so nice, and a total gentleman, which is something I really liked about him. Although we have been hanging out for a while, we have only kissed, and he didn't even kiss me until the third time we had hung out. With guys I take it really really slow sexually and he never put any pressure on me to move faster.

Keep reading for the rest of this dilemma.

After finding all this out, my first instinct was to never talk to him again. But then I began to wonder if I should at least ask him about it before writing him off. I know in high school he dated a girl that was a sophomore when he was a senior, and I know there have been situations where the girl's parents didn't like her dating someone older and in order to end the relationship tried to get the guy in trouble for engaging in sexual acts with a minor when he is an adult, which would fall under the category of sexual assault because minors are considered unable to consent. Another thing, I'm pretty sure he was only charged with sexual assault, not convicted, because the date of his arrest was less than 6 months ago and he's not in jail or anything, he is still attending college (which is in a different state than his hometown, where he was arrested). And I couldn't find any more information on like a trial, or even anything in the newspaper of his hometown relating to this.

I'm not being an idiot, I know this is a HUGE red flag... but I also know that bad things can happen to good people, and he seems like a good person. I'm 100% sure I would never be able to get over this enough to keep seeing him, no matter what explanation he gave me because I would always wonder if it was a lie, and I don't want to put my safety in jeopardy, and this whole thing just gives me an icky feeling. I just had to vent about this because I am not sure I want to tell my friends yet, and this sort of thing has never happened to me so I need some advice! What would you guys think if you were me?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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missbowie missbowie 4 years
You should obviously bring this up. In this day and age it's extremely unusual not to Google someone you're thinking about getting exclusively involved with, and I'm sure he will be understanding of this. Keeping your knowledge of this under wraps will probably become obvious after a short while anyway. As you said before, this is probably just a mix up or minor hiccup as there's no conviction, but not asking would probably be asking for trouble.
GTCB GTCB 4 years
That's a great picture for this article.   As for the dilemma, no one in this day and age should have any expectation of digital privacy.  If they do, they're delusional.  I would bring it up with him because obviously this relationship ain't going much further until this is addressed.
BiWife BiWife 4 years
If you're just getting to know each other, I'd not think that this would make it out on the first couple of dates. You don't exactly what to lead with "so this really f**ked up thing happened in high school" especially if the arrest was only 6 months ago, which likely means that the trial is ongoing or was immediately dismissed. If it's an ongoing case, his lawyer has likely advised him not to talk to anyone about the incident, period. Most lawyers would advise against discussing the altercation even with family and close friends, especially with how gray the laws can be for minors. If the issue was immediately dismissed, then clearly there was not enough evidence to bring him to trial and does not merit any worry on your part. Either way, it's completely understandable that he would leave this out of his introductions. Handling this is simple. Ask him about it. Let him know that you googled him on a whim and found this mug shot, etc. Don't expect him to give you info his lawyer doesn't want him to - don't pressure him to do so. If it is ongoing and he can't talk about it, then maybe let him get it squared away and then resume dating after he's been legally vetted. If he gets convicted, then you weren't dating a douche-on-trial and you don't have to deal with breaking up with him for assaulting someone and worrying about him making a scene.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
wow, what a mind f***. sorry you experienced this. I agree that you should give him a chance to tell you what happened. If it is as simple as he was dating a younger girl while he was in high school, then that doesn't seem fair. I would listen to your intuition though, as the likelihood that he will be forthcoming about something more sinister is pretty low. even if it is something fairly innocent, something like this will live with someone for the rest of their life. Think about how it will impact his career and places you could live in the future. I realize you just started seeing this guy, but they would be considerations for me.
kitty-Witty kitty-Witty 4 years
i agree with henna that he was arrested does not mean that he did anything wrong if the prosecutor did not peruse the case. he did not give you much information about himself but did you ask him more frankly before about himself ? talk to him and straightly ask him that what actually happened? whatever the explanation is, but after hearing him take your decision .
henna-red henna-red 4 years
I try to trust my instincts about people, and to believe their behavior. He isn't showing you any abusive behaviors. The fact that he was arrested does not mean that he did anything wrong, particularly if the prosecutor did not persue the case. In a case of sexual abuse or assault, particularly of a minor, I think that an arrest is mandadory . That old idiom about where there's smoke, there's fire is just not always true. He could be the victim of someone's anger and revenge. You won't know unless you ask. However, he also did not give you details about the trouble. That could be because you are still getting to know each other, in the early stages of dating. But since you have found this info, I agree with MissMary and I think you should talk to him and tell him what you've found, and ask for the details. It is a huge red flag, and you should absolutely not do anything that makes you uncomfortable or afraid. If it were me, I would talk to him, and tell him just how much I distrusted him for not giving the details of "trouble." And even if you cannot continue seeing him, I would suggest telling exactly why. take good care
senorita135 senorita135 4 years
Your instincts say that you'll never be able to trust him again after this. Your instincts are already telling you what to do. If it was me, I would simply not contact him again. There are MANY other guys out there. I would rather not risk my safety or peace of mind by going out with someone like this - no matter how nice he seems.
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
Assuming it really is him, I would ask him straight up about it, see what he has to say. Then you can make your decision. It is possible that there is a good explanation, or that it really isn't him, etc. It sounds like you know what to do if it does turn out that he's not the person you thought he was. Good luck.
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