Who Do You Think Will End Up Winning The Bachelorette? Here's Our Best Guess

Updated on June 29, 2015 at 12:00 PM

Unless we surrender to the allure of Reality Steve's intel, predicting Bachelorette outcomes feels a bit like poking around that murky room Kaitlyn and Ben Z. escaped to on their one-on-one. Most of the conversations ABC airs between Kaitlyn and the contestants are about how great these conversations themselves supposedly are, and unless they've endured a freak accident or tragic loss that can be exploited as a tearjerker, the guys remain elusive to their viewers.

That said, based on the limited information I hold — because I refuse to ruin this season for myself by reading spoilers — here are my predictions, in order, for who has a shot at Kaitlyn's heart and final rose and who will be flooding limos with man tears during episodes to come.

Which contenders will appear strolling through the sparkling sand of some exotic destination deemed "the perfect place to fall in love" weeks from now, and which will be released with an unsatisfying "I've got to follow my heart"? I'm no Reality Steve, so you'll have to watch to find out. And I'm no Chris Harrison either, but I have an inkling that this season will continue to be unlike any season we've ever seen before.

Tanner

Advantages: How would we even know? His screen time has been limited to one surprising moment per rose ceremony when Kaitlyn calls his name and we all think, "Oh yeah, that guy."

Disadvantages: Seriously, though, who is this person?

Most telling quote: “I’m packing my bags real good this time.”

Joe

Advantages: Kaitlyn just can't get enough of that good-old Southern charm.

Disadvantages: I don't know how seriously Kaitlyn can take someone who spent an entire date with his junk hanging out of a sumo-wrestling belt.

Most telling quote: "Well I'll be!"

JJ

Advantages: JJ has stuck around this far due to either the producers' penchant for unstable characters or Kaitlyn's soft spot for kids. JJ is milking that daddy card for all it's worth.

Disadvantages: Amy Schumer summed up all our thoughts when she declared JJ a "turd." Besides, he's still pining for his true love, former contestant Clint Arlis.

Most telling quote: "When I pick up girls, my pickup line is, 'Hi, I'm JJ, divorced with a kid, and I live with my parents.'"

Chris "Cupcake"

Advantages: There's nothing more adorable than a dentist with a Broadway-worthy singing voice and killer comedy chops arriving at the Bachelorette mansion in a cupcake-shaped vehicle. Cupcake is a ball of smiles and sunshine with more personality than can fit into the franchise's run-of-the-mill limos.

Disadvantages: The clock's a-ticking, and Cupcake has yet to receive a one-on-one date.

Most telling quote: “I want this rose so bad I would pull my own tooth out for it."

Ben H.

Advantages: Ben H. nailed the two-step one-on-one and the sex-ed group date, after which he dipped Kaitlyn like a pro on a rooftop. Is this dude even real?

Disadvantages: He's secretly haunted by a mysterious intuition that he's destined for someone else, and once he stumbles upon this article, he'll finally realize that this someone else is me. (A girl can dream.)

Most telling quote: Sorry, could you repeat the question? I've fallen into the hypnotic pool of Ben’s eyes and can't seem to claw my way out.

Ben Z.

Advantages: Ben Z. has managed to "open up," "be vulnerable," and accomplish every other Bachelorette cliché in the book.

Disadvantages: While Kaitlyn certainly appreciates Ben Z.'s "teddy bear"-like demeanor, he'll either be this season's dark horse or lose to the men who are already miles ahead in the race toward Kaitlyn’s final rose.

Most telling quote: "I'll never forget you, and you will always be in my heart." (D'aww.)

Jared

Advantages: Jared fielded all the curve balls this season threw the guys — not to mention the concussion-inflicting punch Ben Z. threw him — with unwarranted grace and geniality. He may go down in Bachelorette history as the one contestant who never badmouthed anyone on the show.

Disadvantages: Kaitlyn's definitely into Jared, but not as much as he's into her. While she responded to Shawn's confession of love with "I feel the same way," Jared got a meager "That makes me really happy."

Most telling quote: "It just hurts that we can't be there for her." What a mensch.

Nick

Advantages: Kaitlin threw herself in the line of fire to keep Nick around, and after their "intimate" one-on-one, she may be in too deep to let him go any time soon. Besides, what would The Bachelorette be without a villain in the fantasy suite? America needs someone to love to hate.

Disadvantages: Ashley S. was on to something when she said Kaitlyn's feelings for Nick sounded more like lust than love. Nick could make a career out of being a serial Bachelorette runner-up.

Most telling quote: "We have such a great connection. It gives me such a huge erection," belted from a balcony.

Shawn

Advantages: When Shawn said he was falling in love, Kaitlyn told him "I feel the same way" and recounted in an interview that it felt like "my husband telling me that he loved me for the first time." Foreshadowing much?

Disadvantages: I'm just not drinking the Shawn Kool-Aid. He looks like a bro-ier, less symmetrical Ryan Gosling at best. Plus, Shawn revealed a jealous side when he went ape sh*t about Kaitlyn’s dates with Nick and Jared, and next week's preview hints that he may leave on his own accord and become Kaitlyn's past future husband.

Most telling quote: "I love the girl . . . She said 'You're it.' She said, 'You're the one.'"