Here's How to Tell If Your Guy Is Faking It

By Lucy Richards
Columbia Pictures
Columbia Pictures

I was with a guy for a period of time that had the exact opposite of P.E. (premature ejaculation). It was difficult for him to cum. Partially a physical thing and partially a mind-f*ck, we worked our way through this dynamic. It was a benefit to me partially as he could f*ck like a porn star for what seemed like hours on end. What sucked was that our sex always culminated in the same way for him to cum — him standing over me, jerking off, ejaculating into my mouth. The first or second time was fun. Thereafter, things got a little boring, especially as I was waiting for him to cum. How many ways can one look enticing on one's knees for extended periods of time, craning one's neck upward in a gesture of offering?

Yes, if you're wondering, I've always been an impatient f*ck.

Type A, all the way.

The fact that I loved this guy sort of mitigated the stress I felt over waiting for him to do the deal but I still begged the question, WTF?

As I analyzed our relationship, weeks after it ended, questions emerged. Had he faked his orgasms with me in other positions? He had been known to cum in other positions every now and again but usually after very vigorous sex. Had he tuckered out and faked it for my benefit?

We were always protected when having sex, using condoms, like good responsible adults. So it's not like I would truly know if he had really cum in my ass, given the fact that the condom was on his c*ck, preventing the benefits from spilling forth.

So I did what I always do, as a sexpert, when faced with difficult conundrums. I went to social media and begged the question — how do you, as a female, KNOW when your dude is faking one?

And the answers I got were varied. Varied in the sense that they were weird, spot-on, and just plain dehumanizing. I'm a sexpert and I was a little confused. I can't imagine what the average woman feels like encountering a d*ck that just won't cum and the possibility that her man is engaging in a theatrical presentation for her benefit.

Here's a taste:

"The real question is how does a woman fake that she didn't, better yet, several times, just saying . . . And a real man would never be dry . . . Think about it . . . Just saying."

"You can cum and not actually have an orgasm in the sense that the sex wasn't pleasurable past the shaft. I've had this situation plenty of times where the sex would be so bad (sorry to say) but I would just be so unattracted to them naked but not want to be absolutely rude but there are so many self-conscious dudes out there not in touch with themselves enough to give themselves to a partner at any time that they actually do cum quick. Sorry for outing you fellas but you're my best friend when I don't really wanna f*ck a girl but I'm already there, bing bang boom 3, 2, 1 finished . . . Once you're really in touch with yourself there is no "oh it's been a while" especially when you're one and done. To be honest men are more sexually self-conscious then women."

"If they hit it raw? If they don't bust on you? You won't see it, if they don't bust on you. You won't see it come out or feel it! Condom? Would be empty and tight! So . . . if you're new at sex or just plain stupid? You won't know . . ."

Those responses were enough for me to consult Google for more answers.

My friends at Ask Men found that 30 percent of guys have faked an O at least once in their lives.

Men fake it for the same reasons that women do — they're tired, they're wasted, they're not in the mood, etc. The expectation that male sexuality is "wham bam thank you ma'am" doesn't help either. Our view of the male sexual experience is that a guy should be able to cum in a matter of minutes at any time and this is a bit warped, in my mind.

Are you looking for some signs that he's phoning it in? No problem. Based on my worldly experience and psychic intuition along with Google's, here are 8:

  1. Weird sounds that are mismatched with his physical demonstration. Think bad porn. Like, really bad porn.
  2. He tags you from the back. Dead giveaway if you know him and know what his "orgasm face" looks like. If he's getting you from behind he's preventing you from seeing what's going on.
  3. He immediately runs to the bathroom to throw out the condom to prevent you from seeing its lack of fluid components.
  4. He deviates from his normal routine by engaging in the muttering of sweet nothings or falls asleep quickly following without a word of thanks. Any deviation from his normal m.o. suggests that something is perhaps out of whack.
  5. He's as enthusiastic when he cums as my left foot. As in, there's really no vocal demonstration other than a quick, perfunctory, "I came."
  6. The room is devoid of seminal fluid. Big red flag. Not in the condom, not on the sheets, not on your face, in your hair. You get the idea.
  7. He goes on ad nauseam about what an amazing lover you are. If he's phoning it in with the compliments, he might be phoning it in with his O.
  8. The orgasm blossoms out of nothingness. It just appears and then it is gone like a shooting star without the shoot. That sucks and I'm sorry even writing it.

If your man is faking it and you know it, clap your hands. Seriously. Clap for yourself because at least he cares enough to fake it.

But it does imply, that at some level, there are some things that aren't quite happening. A fundamental disconnect, if you will. It sounds like he's not getting what he needs at a basic level.

And, perhaps, if you're being 100% honest, you're not getting what you need either?

I'm a huge proponent of honest sex. I've f*cked up enough relationships to know that the more honest you are, the better it is for everyone. I've coached enough troubled couples to know that if the chemistry isn't there (the sperm and the vaginal contractions) that something needs to give.

Let's be honest about our sexual interactions. It is just sex, remember? Something that every animal engages in and happens to need. We crave sex. We also crave honesty. So let it intertwine and be.