I'm Completely Over Slut-Shaming, and This Is Why

I'm a slut evangelist. It's true. I believe in mobilizing efforts like slut walks and slut podcasts and slut stories in print. I believe in the gathering of a group of highly visible, immeasurably slutty women, who speak out about their sexual desires and don't hide behind white picket fences and strictly procreative sex and all the whole assortment of bucolic horse sh*t that I encounter here in the Midwest.

Because of my bold stance, I've been targeted by different groups. Most of the time, I get it. I'm a psychotherapist, so I understand human beings, for the most part, and how they operate. I find most of it a yawn-fest and entirely boring. I keep writing, I keep talking, and in short, I keep it slutty.

It can't be denied that I say a lot of things to get a rise out of people. It's one of my most noteworthy interventions — throwing stuff at people and seeing what sticks. I pride myself on being provocative and funny to an extreme degree, yes, and I have an incredibly fun time being so.

Life isn't a vale of tears. After encountering a great deal of slut-shaming directed at me, I remain smiling. I remain invigorated. I keep fighting.

Truly, the more spiritual path, the one that is advised to me on a regular basis by those who are more arrived than I am, is a path of less judgment. Taking a more "zen" perspective and just letting the haters hate without calling them out on their sh*t. Not hashtagging more hate on social media like I am wont to do (ie: #f*ckthepumpkinspicebrigade #if*ckedurpicketfenceb*tch #urboyfriendletmepeghim #ibangedurugg #bitemybreastimplant, etc.)

But I've never been one to take it lying down. I'm a warrior. A self-deprecating one but a warrior nonetheless. Warriors don't sit back and drink a latte while someone else fights their battles for them. Warriors represent those who are less empowered and a tad fearful and do so sans resentment, sans bullsh*t, and with an abundance of badassery. I generally do all of the above with a smirk on my face too, which is a trifle interesting considering my history.

I wasn't always this way. I was a scared little girl at one time who was slut-shamed by her own mother. I was sexually abused like so many of you and could not vocalize my truth for a long time. I was innocent of "wrongdoing" for most of my youth and still targeted. I was bullied. I was hated without cause. It happened.

Now I say "f*ck you" to all of that.

Because I've seen badassery embodied by stronger individuals than myself, I can now do the same, with proper mentorship. Because I've been to college and graduate school and read a lot, I can regurgitate it upon command in the proper contexts. Because I've been a stripper and a prostitute both by choice and by circumstance, I can speak from a great wealth of experience about sex, sexuality, and empowerment. Because I've individuated sexually and continue to evolve, I can say what I like, out loud, to the world, without fear of persecution.

You want to come at me like a damned spider monkey, I will match your hatred with focus, with education, with humor, with radical feminism, with fake boobs, with a well-published body of work, with a well-exercised vagina and assh*le, and with a whole host of followers, fans, and listeners who appreciate where I'm coming from, where I've been, and where I'm going.

I think the world needs more women like myself. I haven't arrived, certainly, but I'm not close-mouthed about my sexuality or expression. I'm not the foremost authority on much of anything, but I am a sex educator, a sex coach, and someone who's come up through the trenches and remained pretty ethical despite. I've lost jobs and relationships because of my sluttiness and transparency. I almost lost my children and did lose the support of the majority of my family. I know what it's like to be alone, with nothing left other than dedication to the articulation of your personal truth, with your back against the wall and an onslaught of hate being directed at you, with a glimmering hope for some sort of assembling community with solutions that has yet to materialize. If anything, I'm calling for some slut company. We need more forces to gather at the slut table and have a discussion about what needs to happen to improve the situation for all women — slut or not.

B*tches need to stop oppressing other b*tches.

I've heard it said that most genital mutilation is perpetuated by women worldwide and I'm partial to believing it. Why are we, as women, invested in keeping other women down?

I'm here to state the following:

I'm not going to take your partner from you.

I'm not going to put my issues on you. I know what belongs to me.

I'm not going to go after you unless you take a swing at me. I have a right to defend myself and those I care about.

I don't care what you do in your own bedroom provided it is consensual.

I give you full license to go after your own happiness with gusto and vigor.

If Jesus is your boyfriend, go for it, girl. I honestly don't care. Just don't tell me who I'm permitted to bang/date/think is groovy.

And just so you know — I love being a slut. I love talking to fellow sluts. I love slut organization and the fundamental lack of a slut hierarchy. I love slut fashion, slut expression, and slut dignity (yes, it exists).

Let it be known that I have a personal investment in making sluttiness cool.

Because I have a personal investment in little girls becoming grown-ass women with agency and genuine sexual expression, wherever that happens to lie on the spectrum. Asexual or full-on swinger, take that Kinsey scale and own it. It's your life and your genuine expression of it that matter. No one has the right to sit on the mountaintop and judge another human being, based on anything, most especially her p*ssy's right to express itself authentically.

A reporter recently asked me what it would take to come at the issue from a macro level of intervention. That was a big question, even for a slut like myself.

I replied pretty typically — more mobilization, more awareness, more discussion, more writing. There's plenty of room at the slut table. Sluts welcome discourse. Sluts read. Sluts pay taxes. Sluts are a political force to be reckoned with and deserve more slut company.

And yet, after all that is done, I think one of the most effective things we can do, as a political force, is to keep laughing. No matter what name-calling continues to transpire. Let's reauthor all those pejorative terms, be it whore, prostitute, hooker, skank, or what have you. This whole business of devastating another human being through the use of language has run its course.