The 7 Face-Palm-Worthy Ways Christmas Changes After Having Kids
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When Charles Dickens wrote, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times," we're pretty sure he wasn't talking about two cities but rather about surviving Christmas as a parent. We know the holiday season is supposed to be this magical time of togetherness, but when little kids are involved, let's not lie to one another: a lot of the joy is zapped from what were once effortless traditions. That's not to say decorating the tree as a family can't be fun, it's just not without its share of . . . challenges.
Now, take a closer look at what the holidays are really like before having kids and after. Consider it a visit from your parental ghosts of Christmas past and present. (As for Christmas future, let's just hope it involves a lot more sleep.)
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1. Decorating the Tree Before Kids
Your tree has a very specific, very Instagram-worthy theme, which likely involves many expensive, breakable glass ornaments.
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Decorating the Tree Now
Your tree’s branches are filled with an overwhelming assortment of handmade ornaments made of clothespins and pipe cleaners (related: how can a styrofoam ball shed two pounds of glitter every year and still be completely covered in the stuff?), and only the top half is draped in Christmas lights for reasons that are obvious to any parent of a toddler.
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2. Holiday Parties Before Kids
You dress up in a festive frock and maybe even a bold red lip (what better time than the holidays!) before enjoying jovial, complete conversations with other adults.
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Holiday Parties Now
You don’t remember seeing 75 percent of the people in attendance as you try to convince your child that the funny-looking ham is the same edible ham that you’ve served them for lunch thousands upon millions of times. And you leave an hour after you get there because bedtimes.
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4. Gift Shopping Before Kids
You wrack your brain trying to come up with the perfect gift for your loved ones, often scouting possible options months in advance. It consumes you, but the look in their eyes when they open it is worth the 27 messages you exchanged with that Etsy vendor.
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Gift Shopping Now
You just grab whatever isn't bolted down in the toy aisle – it's like Supermarket Sweep without the windfall – and hope your credit limit is flexible.
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5. The First Day It Snows Before Kids
You snap a photo with the hashtag “#letitsnow” and continue going about your day.
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The First Day It Snows Now
You spend a solid 45 minutes layering up your kids in snow pants, hats, socks, leg warmers, coats, scarves, gloves, and mittens to go over the gloves. Then, within roughly four minutes, you are having to force them to make “one lousy snow angel” as they moan that it’s too cold.
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Christmas Eve Now
At the end of the night, you try to coax highly neurotic (“Is Santa coming?!” “How will he find our house?” “But it’s foggy!”) kids to just go to sleep so that you can do 5,783 things but at a glacial pace because you have to creep around in perfect silence so as not to awaken said kids and ruin the magic of Christmas forever.
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7. Waking Up on Christmas Morning Before Kids
You wake up "early" (somewhere between 9 and 10 a.m.), leisurely make your way downstairs, whip up some eggs and coffee, and set up camp in the living room, ready to watch whatever Christmas movie marathon is on TNT.
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Waking Up on Christmas Morning Now
You get out of bed – you don't really "wake up" because those two hours lying down didn't qualify as anything close to a REM cycle – to the sound of shrieking children. Even though they are clearly thrilled with their loot, their pointed thank yous to Santa, and Santa alone, make you vow never to put up with this bullsh*t again. Until next year.