Attention: Dads Don't Need Your Parenting Pity

If you're a mom out in public with your kids and they start acting up, beware: the judgments will start flying like dry leaves on a windy day. I'm talking side-eye from all sides. Nobody seems to do you the courtesy of considering that your kids might just need naps, or be hungry, or be having an off day.

Instead, your entire performance as a mother is based on this one undesirable little slice of life. You can't control your kids? You must really suck as a parent. The sanctimonious glances burn right along with your flaming cheeks as you try to get everyone under control. Because that's what moms are supposed to do.

But if you happen to be a dad in the same scenario? It turns into a different scenario altogether. Because the looks you get from strangers aren't looks of judgment at your terrible children and your crappy discipline, but of bemusement and good-natured pity.

Aw, look at that dad struggling with his kids.

You're like the bumbling father in the old sitcoms, trying (and humorously failing) to do "the mom's job." The "woman's work." And that's not fair. Not to moms, for sure, but — even though it gets them off the hook — it isn't fair to dads either. It's a deeply rooted, stubborn double-standard that needs to go away now that gender equality has evolved past, say, the 1960s.

Dads are no longer relegated to the role of sole breadwinner who comes home at the end of the day, sits in his recliner with his pipe and slippers, and waits for a home-cooked meal from the little woman. Even the description is laughable. So why are we still treating them like cavemen when it comes to their ability to act as caregivers?

Then there are moms, who labor under the weight of society's expectations. We wipe noses and wipe butts, bandage boo-boos and help with homework, shuttle kids back and forth to school and practice and appointments, and make sure everyone has balanced meals and clean clothes and doesn't look like they crawled out of a dumpster. But if we don't do it all perfectly, balance everything (without chipping our manicures), and make it look easy, we're labeled as not quite good enough. Not having our stuff together. Lower-caliber parents, not a natural, perpetually operating a few steps behind, "good mom" level.

However, for doing the exact same things, fathers are lauded as amazing, involved, hands-on dads. Whether they do it well or not is of zero consequence — all that matters is that they're trying. People figure dads are just automatically going to be sub-par, so they get mad props just for participation, while moms are expected to do it all and kick ass (and face harsh judgment and unfair assumptions if they don't).

Seriously, people?

My husband is a military veteran, a lightning-quick thinker, a charismatic achiever, and a personally and professionally accomplished human being. So I don't buy for a minute that he needs to be held to a lesser standard in the child-rearing department just because he happens to be a dad instead of a mom, and neither should anyone else. He's a great dad. A capable dad. But he didn't get that way just by showing up, and he deserves more credit.

Sure, fathers may handle things a little bit differently, but that's not to say their methods aren't equally effective. To assume they're having trouble because they're somehow inexperienced or inferior does them a huge disservice. If they're having trouble, it's not because they're dads; it's because parenting is hard. Whether you're a man or a woman.

And personally, I think we all deserve a medal just for keeping our kids alive some days.