Every new parent has been there — learning to function without sleep. Even if you were a pro at it in college, it's now a completely different experience of feeling partially numb for an amazing reason. And if you thought you'd stop doing stupid things once you gave birth and the pregnancy brain was over, think again! Whether you're willing to admit it or not, every new mom can relate to these partially unpleasant thoughts that sneak up when you're woken up every hour on the hour and start to feel like a milk machine. But thank goodness for Amy Poehler, who can make us laugh at anything — even at our utter sleepless desperation!
Is my baby just a cruel and unusual torture device?
I think she's laughing at me now.
I swear, if one more person asks me why I look so tired . . .
How many more cups of coffee can I have before my blood becomes purely cold brew?
Why didn't I appreciate all the sleep that I used to get?
If I just slowly put him in the crib and tiptoe out, he'll never know!
I'm so tired, I almost feel drunk — is that even possible?
Is my face numb?
Is my child broken? Did I break her?
This baby has been up as long as I have, so why isn't he just as tired?
Does it make me a bad mom for wanting to drop them off and then go right back to bed?
Would it be inappropriate to put my husband in timeout?
I'm starting to visualize my life one nap at a time.
I just need to eat my feelings in order to feel better.
And to think, there was a time I thought that cry was cute.
Is this what the rest of my life is going to be?
Why aren't other moms struggling as much as I am?
And to think, I really loved that glider when I first bought it.
Why is nobody understanding me right now? Am I speaking a different language?
How did I pull those all-nighters in college?
That's it. Anyone who asks to see the baby when they know she's sleeping has officially lost their mind.
When was the last time I showered? Or put on a bra . . . ?
Thank god for Instagram at 2 a.m.
Am I the worst mom ever for wanting a night to myself?
If I could sleep through the tears, my life would be so much better right now.
Why did I just think that? I'm actually the world's worst mom!
Did I really just put breast milk in my coffee?!
Do baby whisperers exist and where can I hire one?
This is definitely the strongest form of birth control I've ever had.
Did she really just have the audacity to ask if my baby is sleeping through the night yet?
Was there ever a time that nights were for sleeping?
When did the thought of sleep become such a big turn-on?
Now I understand that whole bourbon-in-the-baby-bottle thing.
If anyone has a suggestion on how to get him to fall asleep, I'll take it.