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BelindaLong1420654589 BelindaLong1420654589 1 year

These are pet peeves of mine as well. I cringe when I hear a parent tell their child "It's fine," "Stop crying," or "shut up." There is definitely something wrong or at least the child feels there is something wrong that is causing them to come to their parent with a concern, boo-boo or emotional outburst. Taking time to really listen to the child and acknowledging his or her feelings really helps the child calm down quicker and lets him or her know you are trying to understand what is bothering them. If we pay attention to these "smaller" problems now effectively, then it is more likely the child will come to us when they have bigger issues. I also feel is it important for children to learn the reason a request is being made so they can learn the value of doing what is requested. Once you have taught the reason/value, then you can just give quick reminders instead of saying "because I said so..."

KimberleyMertz KimberleyMertz 1 year

1) Telling my child "don't cry" doesn't necessarily mean I'm saying "buck up sister!" if there is something wrong. I comfort them, talk about what is wrong and will gently tell them not to cry, it's all okay. Also, my children might cry when I tell them they can't play with the iPad, in my opinion, that's not something to cry about and my children need to learn that just because they're told "no", it's not a reason for a meltdown. 2) You'll be fine: Again, not minimizing my children's pain when they fall and hurt themselves or when they're feelings get hurt but guess what: They'll be fine! You let them have their moment and then reassure them that, in fact, everything will be fine. 5 minutes later they're back to having fun, laughing or repeating the event that got them hurt in the first place. 3) Because I said so: Generally when my children ask me why when I say no, I explain it to them. After the 7th time of them asking the same question that I've already answered 6 times, the final answer will most likely be "because I'm the mom and I said no". I'm very affectionate and sensitive to what my children are going through. They know that they can express their feelings and talk to my husband or I about pretty much anything and that they are safe and loved. I have a hard time believing that I'm failing as a parent because I've told my children not to cry, that they'll be fine and because I said so.

KatieRodgers KatieRodgers 1 year

if she's raising them she does, like my nana did

Cindy-MarieBarnett1360879510 Cindy-MarieBarnett1360879510 1 year

I can think of more important ones not to say. "You're stupid", "You will never amount to anything"...I grew up with these...I'm 57 and still in therapy. That one that said "when you grow up I hope you'll have kids just like you" was said a lot too.

LaustCawz LaustCawz 1 year

Then you have no right to be indignant if, one day, your child (grown, perhaps) says (or does) something & refuses to explain anything to you. You'll still be an adult, though. I'm sure you'll have no trouble figuring it out.

LaustCawz LaustCawz 1 year

Authority is not infallible.

LaustCawz LaustCawz 1 year

"I hate you, too."

Whatever you did (or didn't do) regarding the child
to cause enough resentment that he/she says "I hate you",
if you say "I love you anyway", this is bound to confuse
or even infuriate the child, who may grow up equating hate with love
& rendering both terms absolutely meaningless.
One possible alternative might be "I wish you didn't."

"Here, I'll do it."

Perhaps any parent who acts this way should ask if,
whatever "it" is, does it need to be done
more for the parent's sake or for the child's sake?

"Wait 'til your _______ gets home."

Such a statement assumes that your partner feels exactly as you do,
a possibly problematic assumption. It's also almost as much of a cliche
as "Because I said so;";

&, speaking of cliches, let's also get rid of "It's for your own good",
which, let's face it, is not always true; & when it is, I don't think
it's asking too much for a good & reasonable explanation to be given as to why.

Btw, in my 8th grade psychology class, we were told that
"Because I said so." is the typical "parent" mentality,
the typical "child" mentality being "Because I feel like it.",
&, of course, the typical "adult" mentality is "Because it's there."

DeniseArbuckle DeniseArbuckle 1 year

I've said "because I said so" before, but what I usually say is that I am the adult and I don't have to explain myself to children every single time I say something.

LizMason1390162469 LizMason1390162469 1 year

It's not particularly clear in the article, but this is actually about saying "your dad is an idiot" or "your mum is an idiot". It goes without saying you shouldn't call a child an idiot!

davidbenson1397083974 davidbenson1397083974 1 year

your stupid should also be one of them

jackpogue1362510954 jackpogue1362510954 1 year

You are a wonderful person and a fabulous mom. That is the way it should be in every family. Raise a child to respect their peer's and have respect for themselve's. That's the way I've treated my children and g'children.

Lizzie14624171 Lizzie14624171 1 year

I always hated "because I said so. " as a child. As a parent and caregiver at a treatment center, I say it alol the time. Not because I'm not willing to explain why, but because some times I don't have time to sit and explain why they need to wear shoes to school, particularly to teenagers who should know why. If they want to come back to be another time and talk to be about it; I'll happily sit and explain in. But in a world of time lines and deadlines, I can't stop everything and explain the most inane tasks to every child. At some point not giving them all the information they want encourages critical thinking, which is extremely over looked in our society.

ChristineSherrod ChristineSherrod 1 year

If an explanation and open communication is happening, there is nothing wrong with some of these phrases. To use them without talking to your child, then yes, they can be hurtful and invalidate your child's feelings. I have told my child more than once that there was no reason to be scared, then explained why. I have also told my children that there was no reason to cry and be upset when they have misinterpreted a situation, and again, explained why. And I tell my children all the time that I hope they have children just like them... Beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, funny and well adjusted.

Anne26155 Anne26155 1 year

I partially agree with you, it's hard enough to parent and most of us feel some degree of guilt no matter what. But on the other hand, lists like this are a good reminder to stay grounded when we get caught up in the momentum, and to be careful what we say. My mom always used to tell me she wished I had a daughter like me some day. She did not mean it kindly, and it always stood out in my memory. Granted, when hearing this as a child I always thought I'd be a better mom to this mystery child that would be just like me...and now that I have a 7 year old with many of my challenging (as well as lovely) characteristics, I appreciate where my mom was coming from much better! And I'm sad my mom passed away too early for me to get to tell her this, too. Sometimes we need a reminder to cherish what we have when we have it, and as naughty as our children can be sometimes...treating them with both firm rules and kindness and respect gets better results than some of these verbal traps we all (some of them...I hope not many parents say i hate you and shut up to their kids as that starts teetering over to verbal abuse IMO) fall into sometimes...

AlishaAskew1417644376 AlishaAskew1417644376 1 year

This was a great article and really put into perspective on why these phrases can do
more harm than good! I grew up hearing most of these phrases, only a few from my parents but mostly on TV or around other moms. You are right there are not perfect parents and there are no perfect humans but we do need to make a strong effort in spreading more of a positive light and discipline when necessary. Your words are the most powerful source in shaping how your children grow up and perceive themselves. Speak love, encouragement, and positivity into your child’s life and they will not only have confidence in who they are but how far they can go.

Peace, Joy & Love, The Purpose Driven Mother

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