An Open Letter to People Who Don't Understand Subway Etiquette

To the people who don't understand proper subway manners,

Allow me to start by introducing myself. I'm a recent New York City transplant, originally hailing from the Sunshine State. I've only been living here for four months, so I am by no means an expert on all things New York City (besides the pizza, of course). But one thing I do understand is manners — a seemingly foreign concept to you and most other regular subway riders.

Visiting tourists, you get a pass on this, so you can stop reading now and continue taking photos with your selfie stick in Times Square. And if you started reading because you thought this was a lesson on proper ways to order your favorite $5 footlong sub, then I'm sorry to disappoint. But if you're a New York City resident and you don't understand appropriate subway behavior, I'm here to teach you a thing or two about respect, à la Aretha Franklin. Who knows — maybe you're aware of these unofficial yet still pretty official rules, but you just choose to ignore them and blame it on the fact that you're "in a hurry." Well, guess what? So are the rest of us. Trust me; you'll still be on time to your job or your hot yoga session or your coffee date if you use proper subway etiquette.

Let's start with the subway turnstiles, shall we? If you're trying to leave the subway station via the turnstiles, let incoming riders use them first. Why? Because chances are they're trying to make it onto the subway you just got off of. Speaking of entering and exiting, you should always step aside and let riders exit the subway car before you hustle your way onto it. It's like trying to park your car in a parking spot before another car has left it; it just doesn't work. I thought this one was common sense, but apparently not, because I always see you nudging your way through as soon as the doors fly open.

As for subway seating, I know you're tired and your stilettos are hurting your feet and you want to just sit and read your book, but please give up your seat to a pregnant woman or elderly person. The subway conductor plays an automated announcement about this every few stops, so it's about time you start listening to it. Then again, you're probably playing your music too loud to hear even it. When you're old and your balance isn't what it used to be, you'll be wishing for younger able-bodied people to give up their seats for you. Pay it forward, people.

If you do manage to score a seat and there are no pregnant or elderly people nearby in need of one, please, please just take up only one seat. Manspreaders and large backpack carriers, I'm looking at you. You can sit normally to make more room, and you can most definitely put your backpack on the floor instead of on the seat next to you.

For the strange subset of subway riders who avoid sitting like the plague and choose to hover by the doors instead, listen up real quick. I understand what's going through your head — something along the lines of "Oh, I'm getting off in, like, two stops, so I'll just stand here by the door so I can beat everyone else out of the car." To you, it seems logical, but to the rest of us trying to get in and out of the subway, it's a damn nuisance. News flash: it may not seem like it, but you will get off at your stop before the doors close and you will make it to your destination on time and you will be able to go on your merry way if you just shuffle toward the middle of the car and grab a handrail like the rest of us.

In case you haven't realized by now, the cramped quarters of the subway can get pretty smelly, especially in the steamy Summer months. With a plethora of body odors already filling the air, the last thing we need is the stench of your leftover tuna salad. By all means, munch on your granola bars, bagels, and other odorless foods, but for the sake of your fellow subway riders, leave the pungent foods at home. And on the subject of eating, have you ever heard of trash cans? Apparently you haven't, because you always throw your wrappers and bottles on the subway tracks, which is pretty unsafe. Do your part in keeping this city as clean as humanly possible.

Look, I get it. You're in a rush to get to your final destination, and the last thing you want to deal with is the hotter-than-hell, cramped subways. But we're all in the same boat car here, and using proper etiquette will make your and everyone else's experience a whole lot more endurable. Get your hustle on — but please do so politely.

Sincerely,
A Florida native seeking some like-mannered New Yorkers to restore her faith in humanity