"I've always thought of myself as pretty cool under pressure," says Brad Kearns, who runs the DaDMum Facebook page. "But the first time I got that call that my wife's waters had broken, something changed. The excitement of almost being a dad went straight out the window because holy f*ck, a tiny human was about to come out of my wife."
Likely not the first new dad in history to freak out a little during his wife's labor, Brad continues his post, recounting the events of the day with maybe just a tiny bit of embellishment.
Now as a man I obviously couldn't feel the pain. But let me tell you, when those contractions were hitting, I had a pretty good idea what was going on. . . . I was doing 160 kph down the motorway. . . . The louder she got, the higher my heart-rate spiked and the faster we went.
Parked as quick as I could, rang the sh*t out of the buzzer, threw her in a wheelchair and sprinted to the maternity ward like it was the f*cking Olympics. This woman strolls over and opens the door for us. I've just put in a performance that would rival Usain Bolt over the 200 m whilst pushing a wheelchair, and this old lady casually opens the door like it's a book club meeting and I'm 20 minutes early. . . .
When your wife breaks your arm and demands an epidural with a demon-possessed voice and it's too late to administer . . . you're f*cked. I'm just going to put it out there and say that those classes didn't teach me sh*t all. Why did we watch that stupid 1980s video where a woman pops this kid out like a morning poo? We should have been watching the f*cking Exorcism of Emily Rose. I would have at least known what to expect. I would have taken a vial of holy water just in case.
Brad's hilarious narrative continues on a sweet note, followed by a disclaimer: "Knox was eventually born and it was beautiful. . . . Childbirth is actually amazing. I don't get how they even go through that? (This is heavily dramatized, I swear I'm not a sociopath)."