After 10 years of marriage, I thought my husband and I had faced every challenges a couple could encounter, and conquered them all with flying colors. We'd been broke, moved to a new state, and welcomed three children together. We'd fought and made up, endured romantic dry spells, and dealt with in-law drama. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but we were doing OK. Until we lost a pregnancy late in the second trimester, and our world, and our marriage, fell apart.
When you are forced to confront your biggest fear head-on, you learn a lot about yourself, and your partner. There we were, dealing with a shocking and painful turn of events, in completely different ways. I wore my raw emotions on my sleeve. He carried on for our family, stoic and strong. My resentment toward him quickly grew. There was suddenly a space between us. In the fog of my grief, I couldn't help but think that we'd lost our baby, so why bother to save our marriage? I told him one night, "We aren't going to make it."
That's when we turned to couples counseling, something we had never considered before. But I feared if we didn't get help, a separation was inevitable. I remember sitting on that sofa in the therapist's office for our first session, feeling numb. I couldn't believe we were here, but on some level, I must have been open to getting help. There was no way we were equipped to successfully wade through the overwhelming emotions of loss alone. I didn't know where to start, as my fears, guilt, and sadness permeated every aspect of our lives, threatening to take our marriage down with the ship.
Therapy wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. I didn't feel pressured to talk about things I wasn't ready to discuss. There was no hot seat, no feeling trapped in a small room, or having your insecurities laid bare under a microscope. The key to counseling working for us was finding a couples counselor with whom we both felt comfortable talking to. It was also essential to want to be there; to want to get help. Here's what else I learned about couples counseling during our experience, and how it stands to benefit any struggling marriage:
Ultimately, couples counseling was constructive for us in so many ways. I know it is one of the reasons we are still together almost a year later. To any couple struggling, I would highly recommend trying therapy, before you give up on the person whom you promised to love and cherish, in good times and in bad.