You'll Do a Spit-Take at This LOL-Worthy Glossary of Parenting Terms
A person's most frequent vocabulary words change through different phases of life — especially once they become a parent. Suddenly things like "Mommy Brain" and "Helicopter Parenting" are rolling off the tongue constantly — replacing things like "Wine Night" and "Day Off" — but in all reality, those terms have so much more meaning in the parenting world than one can convey in a short, one- to three-word phrase.
Scroll through for 33 parenting terms you hear often and what they should actually be called.
- Attachment Parenting: Is That Your Son or a Barnacle? (see "Babywearing")
- Baby Poop: Toxic Sludge
- Babyproofing: Maybe We Should Just Bubble-Wrap the Kid
- Babysitting Fee: Any Amount of Money in the World, Just Take My Kid
- Babywearing: I Need Four Hands to Take On This Day but I'll Settle For Two
- Bedtime: Time For My Kid to Suddenly Become as Thirsty as a Desert Camel
- Boppy Pillow: A Gift From the Feeding Gods
- Carpool Line: For the Love of God, Don't Park Here and Walk In With Your Child
- Childcare: I Get Paid Less Than This Daycare Costs (see "Babysitting Fee")
- Cosleeping: Getting Pushed to the Edges of the Bed Until You Fall Off
- Date Night: HAHA Let's Just Take a Nap While the Babysitter Watches the Kids
- Free-Range Parenting: I Walked 40 Blocks Alone to School in My Day, My Kid Will Be OK
- Getting Dressed (Babies): They're Going to Poop Just as Soon as You Do Up That Final Button
- Getting Dressed (Kids): Fine, Wear the Damn Cape to School
- Helicopter Parenting: You Can Take a Step Back, Judy, He's Fine
- Introducing Solid Food: How Far Can My Kid Fling Those Mashed Peas?
- Kid Homework: Good Luck Figuring Out This Rocket Science
- Lovey: This Stuffed Bear Is Going to Be in Our Lives Forever and My Kid Won't Let Me Wash It
- Mommy Brain: Sorry, What'd You Say?
- Morning: Any Time Between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. When Your Child Wakes Up Screaming
- Nanny: Thank God You're Here, They're Driving Me Nuts (see "Childcare")
- Naptime: The Determining Factor as to Whether This Day Goes Well or Not
- Normalize Breastfeeding: Seriously, I Don't Care What You Think of My Boobs, My Kid Is Hungry
- Potty Training: What Surface Will I Clean Pee From Next?
- School Morning: For the 30th Time, Put Your Damn Shoes On So We Can Leave
- School Night: What Do You Mean That Project Is Due Tomorrow?
- Sleep Deprivation: Too Tired To . . .
- Stay-at-Home Mom: 24-Hour Childcare Factory, Send Help
- Stroller: Half of Our Belongings Shoved Into a Basket on Wheels That My Kid Won't Sit In
- Temper Tantrum: No, No, No, Not Here, Please — You Can Have Dessert Before Dinner, I Swear!
- Terrible Twos: Toddlers Are Generally Terrible From 18 Months Onward
- Time Out: Sit in the Corner. No, This Isn't Funny. I Said, Sit. In. The. Corner. Ugh, Forget It.
- Working Mom: Thank God It's Monday, Get Me to the Office