After a bombshell episode three, fans of HBO Max's "Succession" were eagerly awaiting an update on how the Roy kids were grieving the death of their father, Logan Roy. And April 16's episode four showed that the answer appeared to be: it's complicated. That makes sense, considering the fact that Connor, Kendall, Shiv, and Roman had a difficult and often strained relationship with their dad when he was alive.
All four kids had been hurt by their father in unique ways, and all four kids were coping with the death differently. Somewhat unexpectedly, Roman appeared to be holding things together the best — on the surface at least. At one point, he said, referring to his dad's death: "I wonder if I've just thought about it so much in one way or another that I've, I don't know, maybe pregrieved?"
While pregrieving isn't exactly a thing (although anticipatory grief is), daydreaming about loved ones dying and how we might cope might sound a little morbid , it's actually incredibly common, says psychologist Breylan Haizlip, LPC, LMHC, who adds that "it's human [and] an essential function of our brains."
In fact, fantasies about death often function as a way for us to process a real-life loss. Experiences that cause us pain can bleed into the unconscious brain, prompting us to imagine future, hypothetical discomfort, Haizlip explains. When this happens, people often turn to daydreaming to "project the feelings onto a loss that makes more sense to our minds," she says. Simply put? When we feel hurt, we think about feeling hurt.
But daydreaming about losing a loved one can often leave you feeling guilty or strange. So we asked Haizlip and other experts why our thoughts can lead us in that direction, how common it really is, and if it's ever the sign of a problem.
"One-third to one-half of our waking hours are spent daydreaming. It's not only normal; it's a sign of a healthy human brain," Haizlip says. If this sounds like a lot of time, note that people only daydream in short spurts, a couple minutes at a time.
According to Haizlip, there are three main types of daydreams, and all are the brain's way of processing — or avoiding — emotions.
The short answer is yes. "It's very normal and natural to think about the 'what ifs,'" says Olivia Lynch, licensed professional counselor (LPC) and EMDR program manager for Newport Healthcare. "As humans, we often think about things that could go wrong or the worst possible scenarios."
As stated above, daydreaming about loss is typically a fairly normal stress response. In some cases, this type of daydream can be seen as an unconscious way of mentally preparing yourself to handle those "worst-case scenarios," Lynch says — especially if you have already been through a loss or are anticipating a loss (as with, for example, a terminally ill loved one).
That said, while imagining how you'd feel or act if you lost someone close to you is sometimes a way to process the pain of an actual loss (from death or a breakup), it's not always. Most of us are exposed to plenty of traumatic events simply from scrolling through social media or following the news, Lynch points out. "This can be anxiety producing in and of itself and cause us to worry and think about those situations happening to us or people we know or love," she says.
And although it's common to feel guilty after playing out one of these imaginary storylines, it's important to understand that daydreaming about a tragic event doesn't mean you want it to actually happen, Lynch says. "It's more about our love for [the person we're thinking about] and feeling like we wouldn't know what to do without them," she explains.
In general, you shouldn't be worried about daydreaming of any type — about the death of a loved one or otherwise — as it's a normal part of the human experience. However, if you experience any of the following red flags, it's worth taking note.
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, Lynch suggests seeking professional support from a therapist or mental health counselor.
But if you occasionally find your mind drifting to thoughts about how you'd cope with the death of a loved one, you can rest easy; it happens to many people, and it's totally OK. But it is often a sign that you're going through a stressful period. So if you do notice your thoughts wandering in this direction, consider it a reason to take some extra time to yourself and spend it on what nourishes and relaxes you — and you may find your daydreams turning toward greener pastures.
Also worth noting: daydreaming about a loved one dying doesn't inoculate you against feeling grief when that person does eventually pass — no matter what Roman Roy says.