When Your Pet Is No Longer the Baby of the Family

Judging human choices is always a double-edged sword. There I was, muttering on the soccer fields last week about the unfriendly Pit Bull someone brought to a field teeming with under-6 soccer players. I didn't think it was a wise decision, as kids naturally careened toward the dog and the owner had to leash it back and tell people not to engage it. To be honest, I sort of hate the whole dogs-in-child-busy-places routine. I don't want dogs in grocery stores, at farmers markets, or at playgrounds. That's how I feel, even if most of them are harmless. But especially if they aren't acclimated to kids — if the dog is lunging around or the owners wave off your excited child when you get within 10 yards — I get annoyed. I think people who assume they can control their dogs in those places have bad judgment.

I question these parents and dog-owners, but then, I have a cat at home — large, aged, half-blind, and easily spooked — that bites my children. They have to provoke him, but, being children, they do that. He is not the sort of cat to stand down or give up his spot on the couch. Cat bites are painful and prone to infection. I've seen the look on people's faces when I mention he bites my kids. Why, they are thinking. Why do that to your kids? Why have that cat? Of course, I've also felt the disapproval of animal-lovers who seem to be wondering why I had kids in the first place.

As many parents with less than ideal pets might tell you, it's a long story. We have, many times, considered getting rid of this cat, the "baby" that arrived four years before our first child. He can be a total nuisance. He's not a great cat, certainly not for children. (And for his sake, the children do add stress to his life.) One time, he sprayed the crib mattress when we left town, and the beds had to be moved so the floor could be refinished. We came home to a new floor, but our entire bathroom and the crib mattress reeked of cat urine. He has puked on every rug in the house. It's a given that if you buy a new rug or bring any new fabric into the house, he will manage to puke on it.

I'm hesitant to give my cat to someone who might not be as forgiving. I raised this cat, and I feel responsible for him. It's tough to rehome an old, blind cat that bites and pees out of sheer spite. I've had this conversation with our vet several times, and they usually steer me back toward behavioral management of said cat. We also love him. He reminds me of the little cottage we lived in for a time in Palo Alto, CA, where we got him, and that was a special place. That doesn't mean I haven't wanted to strangle him, at times.

What can I say but, this is our family. It's not the perfect situation. The biting doesn't happen often. I can't remember the last time it did now that my toddler has learned how to treat him (or how not to be chomped). And early on I decided it was perhaps somewhat useful for my kids to learn that not all animals are nice and that treating them kindly and safely is still required. It's still our cat's home, too. (Even as he slowly ruins it around us.) My older daughter treats him as she would a sibling, for the most part. She keeps her distance while hissing at him, for example. She knows what she can get away with. He used to avoid her at all times, and now, if we're reading on the couch, he may sneak into our laps and sit.

I know other parents who feel less rosy about their pets now that they have kids. Part of it is the energy you need to ration. I remember we didn't really mind that our cat woke us up at 5 a.m.; it was just an annoyance — until the baby woke us up all night long, and it was intolerable to have something else (that effing cat) waking us up.

We have good friends whose house we visit often. We hear about the dog. And yet I've never actually met their dog. (She's older, often sleeping upstairs somewhere.) But it's another example of what happens to pets, or parents, when kids come along. If there are behavioral, fit, or jealousy issues, it's sometimes easier to separate animals and young children. We talk about not liking our pets, but it's more of a change in the family-hierarchy structure. You can't really give your pets preference over your kids. I don't think it's allowed. What you can do is muddle into some kind of working relationship while ostensibly teaching your kids how to treat animals. All of us are not quite sure how we got here, from those early times with our easily loved, perfect pets, but through moves and babies, as everyone grows, I have the feeling our cat may get to be the baby again as the kids move rapidly past him. He'll have the last laugh. Maybe I'll be that lady — nutty, proud, not embarrassed — pushing the geriatric cat in the kids' old tattered stroller.